These Hilarious Costumes Prove Halloween Is Nothing Without A Great Pun

Whether you're a fan of DumbleDora the Explorer or more of a Bud Light Year kind of person, everyone pretty much agrees there's nothing better than a punny Halloween costume.

Proving this point, Jimmy Fallon asked his fans to submit their own homemade costumes via Instagram, and the results might even inspire some ideas of your own.

"The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon" airs weeknights at 11:35 p.m. ET on NBC.

This Is What A Perfect Dog Adoption Looks Like

Right from the start, Gunnar the dog showed himself to be a great fit with his brand new adoptive family in San Jose, California -- by sticking his tongue out for a photo, just like they did.

"It's funny because we do tongue pics as a joke all the time," says Antonio Beretini, who's sitting in the driver's seat below, next to partner Chad Winningham. "So having Gunner do this as soon as he sat in our car between the kids was just too funny to pass on capturing!"


This picture was taken about a week ago, and Gunner had only just been adopted from Red's Bully Rescue, a California-based pit bull-focused group. Red's had rescued Gunnar from a high-kill facility, right before his euthanasia date.

"On our arrival at the shelter, Gunner was so excited to see us that he pulled us out for a walk," says Beretini. "Since then he has been giving us kisses and been taking us on regular daily walks"

What else has changed: Gunner is now called Dash, and Dash has picked up a host of adorable habits. For example, he now loves watching movies with the kids -- upon whom he he plants a surfeit of kisses -- and has become a big fan of morning cuddles in bed.


And when Dash isn't cuddling, or licking, or attacking squeaky toys, these days he can often be found admiring himself in the mirror.

"He thinks he is pretty, I guess," Beretini says. "Dash also farts a lot, but that's been somewhat controlled with organic food and no corn or starches in his diet."


Beretini says he loves the photo of everyone sticking out their tongues for a whole lot of reasons. For one, it sends a positive message about pit bulls.

For another, it is "a representation of happiness and rescue of someone who if we haven't picked him up could have been killed," he says. "It represents us as a family."


Find out more about Red's Bully Rescue on Facebook. And get in touch at if you have an animal story to share!

Kitten Takes On Spooky Remote-Controlled Spider

This Halloween ain't big enough for the both of 'em.

Watch a kitten taking on a remote-controlled spider in a spooky showdown. (The music is the perfect touch.)

According to the video's YouTube description, our feline friend and her foe have since become friends: "The kitty and the spider have become best friends. She is now sleeping and cuddling with the spider."

Happy Halloween, you two.

H/T Tastefully Offensive

‘Ladyparts Justice’ Parody Shows Just How Scary Personhood Legislation Really Is

It's becoming increasingly difficult to discern satire from reality when it comes to women's issues. As three states could decide that life legally begins at conception, a new parody conveys the rather frightening possibilities of the personhood amendments with a bit of humor.

Created by Ladyparts Justice the "Personhood Cops" sketch follows a police officer as she arrests a couple after they have unprotected sex. The personhood legislation will be on ballots in North Dakota, Colorado and Tennessee and states that life begins at conception, essentially criminalizing abortion and possibly leading to a ban on birth control.

Shot in the gritty, ride along style of "Cops," "Personhood Cops" follows police officers enforcing the new law. "Now that the law is life begins at conception, from the second that sperm touches that egg, it's got the same constitutional rights as you and me," one explains.

In the clip, the cop arrests the couple on three counts: 1. Endangering the life of a child (drinking after sex); 2. Exposing oneself to a minor (being naked in bed); and 3. Murder (having an IUD). While the video is an exaggerated satire, it's not too far from what could happen if this legislation is passed.

So, yes, your vote matters. Get out and vote on Nov. 4.

H/T WifeyTV

Will you be voting on November 4th? We want to know! Join the conversation on Twitter or Instagram using the hashtag #WhyImVoting.

This Is What Happens When An Airbnb Guest Finds Your Vibrator

If Armistead Maupin had lived in the era of Airbnb, then this might be a tale of the city...

I have been renting out my one-bedroom apartment for three or five days at a time while I go up north to write. My guests have been lovely. Sheryl left homemade jam in the fridge, Himoko from Japan was sweet, and the others have been entirely respectful and gracious that I have opened my home to them.

Enter Rick. Rick made a request when he inquired about the apartment. He wanted a pot and pan, since he would be here for five days. I said, "OK, I will get you a pot and pan." (If I could go back in time, I would say, "Sorry buddy, no special treatment for you.") (The backstory: I have celiac disease, which means I need to be super careful about gluten; this is a medical issue, not a preference. I put away pots and pans when guests come because I can't expect they will read every ingredient label to be sure they are not using gluten.)

On the day of Rick's arrival, in addition to arranging for the professional cleaners to come and make the place oh-so-spotless and shoving all my random belongings (bills, dirty laundry, etc.) in the closet, I went out looking for a pot and pan. I found a gleaming new pot and couldn't find a suitable pan at the local hardware store, and decided to let him use one of my pans and replace it later.

Rick arrives. He is in his mid-twenties, from New York, here on furniture business. He is no-nonsense, no-pleasantries. When I say, "How are you?" he responds very quickly, "fine," and doesn't ask how I am back. I give him the keys, and I'm off.

An hour and a half later, the phone rings. I answer while driving up north.

"Hi, it's Ethan from Airbnb."

Never before have a I gotten a call from Airbnb. If guests had questions or concerns, they just wrote me directly.

"I want to get your side of the story," Ethan says.

"My side of the story?"

"Rick has some complaints. He says the pan is not usable. He says it's dirty."

"Dirty? I cleaned it in a rush before he came, but if he doesn't like it he can clean it. There are sponges."

"He says there is a stain on the sheets."

"That's an ink stain. The sheets and the towels and the bathroom rug were all washed this morning. They are all clean."

"He says there is an ink stain on the couch."

"Yeah, there is an ink stain on the couch. I have had that couch for 10 years. That stain is in the photo that is on the website too."

Ethan says, "You're right. The couch is an unnecessary complaint."

Here it comes. Ethan tells me, "He went behind the headboard of your bed and he saw that you have a vibrator. That made him very uncomfortable."

"What he was he doing looking behind my headboard?"

"He said he was looking for a plug."

"There are many other plugs in my apartment. That's very invasive. Tell him to stop looking at my stuff."

The upshot: Ethan mediated an agreement. Rick got $134 off his bill to go to Bed, Bath, and Beyond and buy new sheets, a duvet cover (made no sense, there was nothing wrong with the duvet cover) and a fry pan. I was off the grid in a place with no cell phone service, so I agreed via email. A day later, I wished he were just out of my place.

What did he do with the vibrator? I will never know.

I met a girl named Jessa while I was away and told her about his vibrator complaints.

She couldn't stop laughing.

"OK, first thing, you should have hid your vibrator better."

"Yeah, I know. Lesson learned. What about my books? Maybe he's freaking out because I have sex books. In the future, I will write in the profile, 'Need to be OK with bookshelves that contain books like The Tao of Sexology: The Book of Infinite Wisdom."

"People always want to look," she says. "I was staying at an Airbnb in Marin. I couldn't resist looking in the closet. The coat closet. There was -- get this -- a skinned wolf hanging from a hanger. Head and all."

We are all voyeurs, but if you snoop, you might not like what you find.

Here's the thing: People use Airbnb because it's affordable and you get to have an authentic experience of living in a real neighborhood in a real home. It's not a hotel. You cannot expect to stay in a home stripped of personality. If you want to stay in a real person's home, you have to realize, it is a real person's home. That person, if she is a woman, may have a vibrator. Or a wolf hanging in the closet.

When I came back, I found a messy kitchen. My other guests had taken care to wash up everything they used. Rick left disinfectant wipes that protect against H1N1 on the kitchen counter. Clearly, he was a man concerned about contamination. I felt bad for him for being so controlled by his fears. He also left a large bud of pot. I had a feeling this was not a gift for me, but rather, a forgotten item.

I needed to do something to reclaim my space. Energy clearing, as it were. I stripped the sheets he bought (dark boy colors) to wash them and then I took that bottle of disinfectant wipes and wiped off the head of the HItachi Magic Wand. Just in case.

Ahhh, home sweet home.

Postscript: Some have commented that I should throw away the vibrator. In that case, Airbnb (or Rick) should buy me a new one.

Sasha Cagen is the author of Quirkyalone: A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics and To-Do List: From Buying Milk to Finding a Soulmate, What Our Lists Reveal About Us. Shes also leads Tango Adventures in Buenos Aires where women learn how tango can help them find confidence on and off the dance floor. Read more quirky adventures at

Costumes So Cute, It’s Scary

We recently took a family trip to the local Halloween superstore for some supplies for my daughters' costumes. While we were browsing, my wife Patti noticed they had a "Boys' Career" section, complete with doctor, fireman and astronaut costumes.

We thought it would be interesting to compare the boys' choices with the choices the girls were given in their career section. Would they get equivalent options? Or would they be offered nurse, secretary and cheerleader instead?

The good news is that I was wrong. The girls were not saddled with nurses and secretaries as their only career paths. The bad news is there was no "Girls' Career" section at all. None.

They did, however, have an entire section -- I am not making this up -- labeled "Flutter Fairy." This was separate from the regular fairy section. I'm guessing because there is more "fluttering" involved.

What message does that send to girls about who their heroes are? About whom they should aspire to be?

Looking more carefully at the costumes, we compared the "Boys Fright" section the "Girls Fright" section. The boys were given some truly terrifying options. Freddy Krueger, Jason, "Bloody Skeleton," and more.

Over on the girls' side, there was literally nothing that was legitimately scary. From "Feisty Fairy" to a tutu-clad "Zomberina," real terror was in short supply. Instead, the emphasis was on looking adorable.

I said to my wife, Patti, "None of these costumes are scary in any real way. They all are cute."

A passing employee chimed in, "Most of the scary costumes involve a mask. Girls don't like to cover their face." She added helpfully, "They want people to see them."

The superheroes aisle was not much better. Spider-Girl wore a tutu and had a "princess wand." Batgirl was clad head to toe in hot pink (perfect for crime-fighting.) There were dozens of choices designed to help a girl look cute. But what if she wants to look tough? What if she wants to look scary? What if she wants to look professional?

It was easy for me to draw a line in my mind connecting row after row of costumes that tell little girls that the only thing that is important is that they look "cute" to the row after row of costumes that tell young women that the only way society values them is if they look "sexy."

Halloween is my favorite holiday. I love the spookiness, the costumes and the creativity. I've dressed up in costumes that ranged from silly, to creative, to scary. Hell, if I could pull off sexy, I might go for that, too -- but I really appreciate the fact that when I go to the store, I have other choices.

I hope that someday my girls will be able to say the same.

The John Oliver Video Sweepstakes

by John Herrman

Each week, the ᴄᴏɴᴛᴇɴᴛ industry observes a sacred ritual: Together, but not quite in sync, dozens of websites embed and then post the longest segment from John Oliver's HBO show, Last Week Tonight. This video is made available by HBO shortly after the show airs—this week's, about the sugar industry, is timestamped October 26th.

That John Oliver's weekly video(s) will go viral is, at this time, a given. Whether or not the posts that embed those videos will go viral is another matter altogether. Each time around there are winners, losers, and mere participants. Here's what happened this week. READ MORE


That’s an Odd Name

That's an Odd Name

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That Kinky Moon Action

That Kinky Moon Action

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All The Creepy Laughs From ‘The Twilight Zone’ Because Evil Is Sometimes Hilarious

Sometimes evil, sometimes delirious, but always creepy. No one laughed at people quite like "The Twilight Zone."

This month is the 55th anniversary of "The Twilight Zone," and with Halloween upon us, what better way to celebrate than with one of those super creepy laughs from the series. Or all of them. In one glorious mashup.

Check out the supercut above and just remember that no one is laughing with you... in "The Twilight Zone."

BONUS: Here's every Rod Serling opening and closing Twilight Zone monologue made into a word cloud in the shape of Rod Serling.

twilight zone rod serling word cloud

11 Times Mr. Bean Taught You To Embrace Your Inner Child By Acting Like One

Few words describe Mr. Bean (and he says even fewer).

Believe it or not, Rowan Atkinson created Bean around the same time he was studying for his Masters in Electrical Engineering. Since that time, Atkinson's character -- which he described as "a child in a grown man’s body" -- has developed into a worldwide phenomenon, sparking multiple television series, sketches, movies and more.

Halloween marks the anniversary of the 13th episode in the original Mr. Bean series, "Goodnight Mr. Bean," which first aired on Oct. 31, 1995 on ITV. Only 14 episodes were ever created in the original run, and there is a lot of discrepancy when the 14th aired, with many sources saying it never debuted until 2006 on Nickelodeon, which would make "Goodnight Mr. Bean" the last new episode of the series to air for 11 years.

In honor of that Mr. Bean anniversary, here are 11 times he taught us to embrace our inner child by totally acting like one:

1. The time he flew in an airplane

2. The time he became a hairdresser

3. The time he saved a goldfish

4. The time he had an eating competition

5. The time he was falling asleep in church

6. The time he rode a roller coaster

7. The time he learned self defense

8. The time he went to the beach

9. The time he was packing for trip

10. The time he couldn't find parking

11. The time someone took his pants

What's your favorite Mr. Bean moment?

American Voices: Town Bans Clown Costumes After Wave Of Terror

A French village has imposed a ban on people wearing clown costumes this Halloween after pranksters dressed as scary clowns roved the streets terrorizing residents with pistols, knives, and bats.

Let’s Go Home, Everyone, This Girl Wins at Pumpkins

Let's Go Home, Everyone, This Girl Wins at Pumpkins

Master pumpkin carver ceemdee has been carving pumpkins for Halloween for years. Focusing primarily on video games, she has over 100 carvings in her deviantART gallery, and hopefully she keeps carving for years to come. Ladies and gentlemen, the bar has been set.

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Being Too Big


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Noël Wells Plays a Monster Manager in ‘Cracked’s New Halloween Web Series

by Megh Wright

Cracked premiered a new web series this week called Monster Managers featuring Soren Bowie and SNL alum Noël Wells that's the perfect way to celebrate Halloween. In the above episode, the PR managers reveal the true secret to sustaining a career as a working zombie. Click through to watch two more episodes from the series.


Jude Redfield From WDRB News in Louisville, KY Had One of the Best Costumes This Halloween

Jude Redfield From WDRB News in Louisville, KY Had One of the Best Costumes This Halloween

Is this the best costume of the day?

Louisville-based Meteorologist Jude "Bones" Redfield cleverly incorporated the green screen into his costume Friday morning, delivering the weather forecast as a skeleton.

And in other news, it's going to rain in Louisville tonight.

Submitted by: (via @JudeRedfield)

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The Only Thing Nokia Couldn’t Withstand Was Getting Bought Out

The Only Thing Nokia Couldn't Withstand Was Getting Bought Out

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Wait for it… Wait for it…

Wait for it... Wait for it...

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Classic Moose


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Report: 80% Of All Traffic Accidents Caused By Drivers Gawking At Shirtless Hunks

WASHINGTON—Signaling an alarming and dangerous trend for the nation’s motorists, the U.S.

It’s Only An Onion


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Sooooo… Frozen is Quite a Popular Costume Motif This Year

Sooooo... Frozen is Quite a Popular Costume Motif This Year


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As Usual, Celebrities Went All Out For Halloween

There's nothing better than staring at pictures of celebrities in Halloween costumes. Good thing, too, since the stars went all out this year, dressing as everything from a giant Cheeto (hey, Katy Perry!) to Grumpy Cat (kudos, Chris Colfer!):

My Heart Melts For This Baby Minion Costume



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Vanilla Ice Helps Couple Announce Their Pregnancy, And It’s The Chillest

There are some amazing ways to announce a pregnancy.

Having help from Vanilla Ice is definitely one of them.

Check out this happy, hilarious announcement from Jason and Emily Teck, a South Florida couple who found just the right neighbor to make the punchline "ice, ice baby" work better than anyone ever has before.

(function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); = id; js.src = "//"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, 'script', 'facebook-jssdk'));
Post by Emily Aronoff Teck.

Emily, a children's musician, told The Huffington Post the joke has a special meaning: Jason used to rap "Ice Ice Baby" to her while they were dating.

"But only in the car," she said. "That's his jam."

So when the couple learned they were pregnant with their first child, they reached out to Ice's manager -- and found the rapper was totally down to stop, collaborate and pose for a photo. Jason's marketing agency, S4T Group, then designed the announcement.

Anything less than the best, after all, is a felony.

Well Someone Thinks Highly of Themselves

Well Someone Thinks Highly of Themselves

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How to Speak in Public Without Puking on the Podium

I'm often asked to give keynote speeches to various groups because I have a gift for bullshit and I can use silly finger puppets and a bag of cheap props to make even the crabbiest audience laugh for a few minutes. Every public speaker has inevitable worries: Will they laugh at my jokes? Do they understand three-syllable words? Am I going to have explosive diarrhea?

Counting the live and televised audience, more than 10,000 people heard my commencement address at the University of Idaho. I'd like to think that I encouraged and motivated them to use their talents to achieve greatness, take risks, and live with an attitude of gratitude. In reality, the graduates were taking notes about how to hook up after the ceremonies, and the parents were planning where to get the best gin and tonics.

My most difficult speech occurred several years ago with a group of serious engineers at the corporate headquarters of Tectronix in Portland, Oregon. I could tell by their body language that they resented attending the workshop organized by the director of human resources. So I distributed finger puppets and within 20 minutes they were laughing and singing rounds with their puppets. For a brief moment in time, I helped them lighten up, reduce stress, and transfer their anxieties. I suspect many of them haven't laughed out loud since then, but for all of us the momentary reward was worth the risk.

The podium can be seductive. Here are some tips for speaking in public without puking:

1. Have a mighty message. Your audience is giving up 30 minutes of their lives to hear you speak, so don't waste their time. Know your message and believe it will make a powerful impact on them. If you don't like or endorse your talk, why should they?

2. Speak with authority. Repeat your speech out loud in front of a mirror until you're sick of it. Then revise the bullet points as you're driving to the event. Then make note of the audience and adapt as necessary. Extemporaneous comments create memorable moments that can either destroy your credibility or propel you to greatness. What could go wrong?

3. Arrive early and stay sober. Try the podium and microphone, double-check any equipment you will be using, casually meet other attendees, and find some characters and stories you can use or exploit in your speech.

4. Go to the bathroom. Trust me.

5. Anticipate problems. Electric power could go out, the Master of Ceremonies may not have your biography, some obnoxious drunks could heckle you, there's always a jerk who doesn't turn off a cellphone, babies will cry, a waiter will drop a tray of dessert, your brain could freeze, and a chubby salesman from Toledo will be winking at you from the front row. Ignore all of these distractions and continue with your excellent speech so that you triumph over the tragic turmoil.

6. Connect with your audience. The old method was to scan the room, corner to corner, during a presentation. It's more effective to make eye contact with and address separate individuals throughout the group and speak directly to them. This creates an intimate bond with the entire audience.

7. Open and close like a preacher at a tent revival meeting. Hook the audience with humorous anecdotes at the start of your talk and then close with bigger, better, and funnier stories at the end. Make them want to jump up and yell "Hallelujah! You changed my life!" That may be a stretch, but it's a good goal to visualize.

8. Volunteer to give speeches. Civic organizations and clubs need guest speakers. They may not pay anything, but you'll gain experience and name recognition. Each completed presentation boosts your self-confidence and leads to additional opportunities. The local garden club is non-threatening, unless you insult their salad. Don't do that.

Over the decades, I've given hundreds of speeches. Some were brilliant, some sucked. But never has anyone thrown rotten vegetables at me, or walked out, or hissed that my words were straight from the devil. My intent is to deliver words that enlighten, humor, and inform. I'm just a woman with a microphone and they're regular people who had to pay for a babysitter or take time off work so I better add some value for their efforts. If I do it right, the added value will be mine, also.

If you're really serious about public speaking as a career, there are online resources to study, national associations to join, and local groups such as Toastmasters. If you're comfortable with occasional appearances, have a couple of reliable talks you can give and enjoy the ride. Finally, if you're giving a speech and feel like everything is going wrong and you might vomit, pull out a bag of finger puppets. Find them in bulk quantities at any party store. This easy gimmick can engage your audience and save your reputation. Then use the leftovers for Halloween treats.

This Pooch Is So Overjoyed To See Her Human, All She Can Do Is Dance In Delight

Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle.

That's exactly what Bella the boxer dog does when seeing her human. In this video uploaded to YouTube, the pup shakes her tailfeather in excitement as she greets her owner. The clip is a few years old, but is going viral again this week, thanks to a boost from

Now imagine if people greeted one another like that.

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You Can’t Dislike Him


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Paul Reubens Gives Some Unqualified Advice for ‘The Tonight Show’

by Megh Wright

Recent Tonight Show guest Paul Reubens sat down for the latest installment of "Unqualified Advice," where he offers up tons of tips for convenient vacation spots, appropriate birthday party venues for 40-year-olds, and a very Pee-wee's Playhouse-style Halloween costume suggestion.


The Most Oddly Satisfying GIF of the Day

The Most Oddly Satisfying GIF of the Day

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Parenting Pro-Tips

Parenting Pro-Tips

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Vine Star Jerome Jarre Tried to Fly Wearing Only a Speedo, Then This Happened

Vine Star Jerome Jarre Tried to Fly Wearing Only a Speedo, Then This Happened

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The Supply Rocket’s Explosion Was Tragic

The Supply Rocket's Explosion Was Tragic

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‘Late Night With Seth Meyers’ Sets You Straight On Halloween Costume Dos And Don’ts

Blackface. You just don't do it, white people.

On the Thursday edition of "Late Night," Seth Meyers went through some important dos and don'ts regarding Halloween costume choices. For example, DO dress weather appropriate and DO make your costume topical. DON'T dress in blackface.

Check out the "Late Night with Seth Meyers" clip above and understand that this really can't be stressed enough: If you're a white person dressing in blackface, your intelligence is seriously in question. Just don't do it.

This Is Actually The Cutest Thing I’ve Ever Seen


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UCB’s Series ‘Gary Saves The Graveyard’ Is The Horror Comedy You Needed

The gate that surrounds the cemetery is not to keep people out ... but to keep the dead in. And it's hilarious.

In UCB Comedy's new series "Gary Saves the Graveyard," Gary (Jim Santangeli) is takes over as the new graveyard caretaker, and just in time too, because the dead have risen. Aaaaaand he just accidentally let them all loose on the world.

It's perfect for watching while you're getting into your Halloween costume this weekend and freaking out because nothing looks like it did in the picture.

Watch as Gary reunite with his deceased best friend as they catch up the way all friends do: Finding booze.

Stephen Colbert Is Just As Worried About The New Citizenship Law As Fox News

The co-hosts of Fox News' "Outnumbered" were recently very critical of a new policy by the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS) that extends the definition of "mother" and "parent" to include someone who might not have a genetic relationship to the child.

According to the decision, women who use a form of assisted reproductive technology (ART), like an egg donor, would still be able to give their U.S. citizenship to the child. Fox News contributor Pete Hegseth slammed the ruling on air, calling it "a total erosion."

And now Stephen Colbert is chiming in as well. And guess what, he totally agrees.

"It's a total erosion," Colbert said jokingly. "All of us know that citizenship is genetic! And as a Christian, I believe 'American' begins at conception."

Colbert then went on to cheer the classic "USA" chant with a slightly new, Fox News-inspired twist:

"UterUS-A! UterUS-A! UterUS-A!"

But for Colbert, there's something even worse than women becoming pregnant overseas and passing on their American citizenship.

"I'm scared this law could inspire a whole generation of American women trying to cash in by moving abroad and carrying anchor zygotes," he said.


H/T Mediaite

Enjoy Cleaning Your House The Next Morning


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The Perfect Halloween Pokémon Pumpkin Carving

The Perfect Halloween Pokémon Pumpkin Carving

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Fourth-Graders Differ Over How Much Allergic Classmate’s Face Swelled Up

SAN JOSE, CA—With estimates ranging from “two marshmallows smushed together” to “the size of a basketball,” fourth-graders at Greystone Elementary differed in opinion over how much their allergic classmate’s face swelle...

Head In A Jar Decoration


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I’m With Stupid: Brother Love’s Non-Traveling Salvation Pumpkins

It's Halloween, which means that by virtue of living in central Colorado, I am once again privy to the miracle of the pumpkins, an annual happening I became aware of several years ago on a drive to a trailhead.

There is a road near where I live that follows a river back into the hills toward a lake, and if you drive it this time of year, you will see dozens of strategically placed pumpkins and a few gourds on both sides of the road. Look closely, and you might even see some in the river. On a recent drive from the lake to town, my wife, my son and I counted 75 pumpkins, and that was looking into the sun, so we probably missed a bunch.

Unlike a certain local newspaper, I won't reveal the name of the road, as I feel the miracle is more fun when one stumbles upon it unexpectedly, but it's pretty easy to find.

The miracle pumpkin drive has become a Halloween tradition in my family, apparently. Both my wife and son, independently, asked to do it on the same day a couple of days ago. We took my mom and sister on the drive two years ago, with my mom insisting on stopping to photograph each pumpkin, and I think the year before that is when I first discovered it and drove it three times.

No one knows who's responsible for the miracle of the pumpkins. Theories range from "some local" to "the pumpkin fairy," but thus far no local fairy has copped to the deed. I think, however, that if we put some thought into this we can figure out who the culprit must be based on certain geographical considerations.

The first suspect is the mysterious Norrie Colony, which can be found up the road, past the lake. I don't know who Norrie is or what he's up to, but when you put the word "colony" in a name like that, I can't help but feel it must be a wacko cult of some sort. Those lunatics are probably up there right now plotting their next big caper.

Watch your step, hippies. We're on to you.

The second suspect is, indeed, the pumpkin fairy. I think we can safely rule this one out -- not that there's anything wrong with fairies. I just think it would be pretty difficult to fly with 75 pumpkins if you didn't have a sleigh.

The third suspect is the principal at my son's school, who lives a few miles up the road and suspiciously has no pumpkins on his property. For a long time I thought for sure that he was the pumpkin fairy, but then I realized some of the pumpkins had been put on rocks that were more than 6 feet tall, and that pretty much ruled him out.

The fourth possibility is Johnny Pumpkinseed, who is believed to live deep in the woods way up the road, just shy of Hagerman Pass. Legend has it that ol' Johnny used to farm pumpkins in secret on national forest land -- like one of those Salvadoran drug gangs in California, only with pumpkins instead of marijuana -- and then each October he'd go out and place them all around. He remains a suspect.

I have a different theory, however. I think that if you really want to learn the identity of the pumpkin fairy, you have to ask yourself the question, "Who stands to profit the most by there being dozens of pumpkins placed alongside the road?" When you look at it that way, the answer becomes clear: Neil Diamond.

Think about it: He has a house a few miles up the road, and if you play "Brother Love's Travelling Salvation Show" backward, you can hear Diamond chanting, "Peter, Peter pumpkin eater" over and over again. It's also a little-known fact that Diamond owns thousands of hectares of pumpkin farms in the pampas of Argentina. Plus, I just did some research and learned that there is a direct correlation between pumpkin sales and sales of Neil Diamond albums. Why, back in the great pumpkin surplus of '01 alone he sold 17 million copies of "Three Chord Opera."

He's got the means, he's got the motive, and he's got the product. Who else could the pumpkin fairy be but Neil Diamond?

I'd say go bust the celebrity scofflaw right now, but I need to experience the miracle of the pumpkins each October, so maybe we can let the Jazz Singer slide.

Todd Hartley talks, but he can't sing and dance, and he can't ... well, he can walk, but definitely the other stuff. To read more or leave a comment, please visit

Why Science Says Ghosts Don’t Exist

Why Science Says Ghosts Don't Exist

Albert Einstein suggested a scientific basis for the reality of ghosts; if energy cannot be created or destroyed but only change form, what happens to our body's energy when we die? Could that somehow be manifested as a ghost?

It seems like a reasonable assumption — unless you understand basic physics. The answer is very simple, and not at all mysterious. After a person dies, the energy in his or her body goes where all organisms' energy goes after death: into the environment. The energy is released in the form of heat, and transferred into the animals that eat us (i.e., wild animals if we are left unburied, or worms and bacteria if we are interred), and the plants that absorb us. There is no bodily "energy" that survives death to be detected with popular ghost-hunting devices.

Submitted by: (via Live Science)

Tagged: ghosts , science , funny Share on Facebook

Ricky Gervais and Eric Bana to Star in French Comedy Remake ‘Special Correspondents’

by Megh Wright

ricky gervaisLegendary comedic duo Ricky Gervais and Eric Bana have teamed up for a new film. THR reports that the pair will star in a remake of the 2009 French film Envoyés très spéciaux. While the original film focused on the war in Iraq, Special Correspondent centers in Ecuador:

The story tells of a once-hot radio journalist (Bana), and his technician (Gervais) who, when tasked with reporting on a rebel uprising in Ecuador, fake their own kidnapping, pretending to be on the ground while actually “reporting” from the comfort of a hideout above a New York City restaurant across the street from their station. As their false reports of the conflict escalate, so does the world’s response to their situation, which ultimately forces them to sneak into Ecuador and find the rebels they’ve been reporting on.

In addition to starring with Bana, Gervais will also direct the film, making it his solo feature directorial debut. Producers of the original film Chris Coen, Aaron L. Gilbert, and Manuel Munz are also onboard, and the project is slated to begin filming in Vancouver and New York in spring 2015.


The Peace Machine


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You Can Be Too Soon, Right?

You Can Be Too Soon, Right?

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Hope Restored

Hope Restored

Submitted by: Unknown

Tagged: lions , Meerkats , lion king , funny Share on Facebook

And That’s How Babies Are Made

And That's How Babies Are Made

Submitted by: (via Tarampampam)

Tagged: booze , kids , funny , pregnant Share on Facebook

Halloween By The Numbers

Ronald Dillon Suspended For Using Robot Voice With Customers

It may sound pretty funny to answer customer-service calls at an IT help desk in a robot voice ... but Ronald Dillon didn't stop when his boss told him to.

Now he's been suspended from his job at New York City's Health Department, without pay, for 20 days.

Single Mom Ready To Get Back Out There During 30 Minutes Per Week She’s Not Working Or Watching Daughter

TACOMA, WA—Saying she’s ready to have some fun and meet somebody new, local single mother Denise Tripp told reporters Friday she hopes to get back out there and start dating again during the half hour or so each week when she’s not busy ...

These Parents Are Not Amused

funny-Asian-couple-not-smiling-wedding funny-Asian-couple-not-smiling-Disneyland

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After Watching the Anime…

After Watching the Anime...

Submitted by: (via poke-stache)

Tagged: Pok

5 Superhero Costume Mistakes You Should Avoid This Halloween

5 Superhero Costume Mistakes You Should Avoid This Halloween

Looking for last minute costumes for Halloween? It may seem like a good idea to put on your exercise clothes and tie a tablecloth around your neck to be an impromptu Superman, but be careful which version your dressing as.

Here are some common superhero design mistakes and some simple solutions to avoid them:

Don't Be:

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Tagged: costume , list , halloween , superheroes Share on Facebook

The Funniest Someecards Of The Week

What. A. Day.

It's Friday, it's Halloween, did we mention it's Friday?! We have so many reasons to celebrate (okay, two reasons), so put on your party pants and let's get this weekend started.

How should you get your weekend rockin' and rollin' you ask? Start by reading the silliest Someecards of the week, of course! We've compiled the best below.

11 Times It’s OK To Tell A Woman To Smile

If you've been on the Internet in the past couple days, you've probably seen that viral video showing all the catcalls one woman received while walking around New York City for 10 hours. If you haven't -- go watch it.

As its 16-million-plus YouTube views suggest, the video -- despite presenting problems of its own with its execution -- resonated with many women who have to endure such unsolicited comments on a daily basis, and whose complaints often fall on deaf ears. It's a compliment! You should be flattered! Except a catcall is a bullshit compliment and thinly veiled sexual aggression.

Telling someone to smile might seem particularly innocuous -- you just want her to look happy! But that, too, is a directive that undermines a woman's agency in the name of making her prettier, and thus less threatening. Indeed, the actress who refused to smile in the aforementioned video is now receiving rape threats from viewers who totally missed the point.

The point is this: Don't tell us how to look when we're out doin' our thing. These are pretty much the only situations where it's OK to tell a woman you don't even know to "smile." Ahem.

1. You are a professional photographer taking a picture.


2. You are a sign at a store telling someone they're under surveillance.

smile youre on camera

3. You are Tigger from Winnie the Pooh.

tigger eeyore

4. You are dentist tryin' to get a look at some chompers.


5. You are dressed as a clown at a child's birthday party.

clown party

6. A woman just asked you, "Do I have lipstick on my teeth?"

questioning woman

7. You are Charlie Chaplin or Lily Allen.

lily allen smile video

8. You are directing a toothpaste commercial.


9. You are quoting Dr. Seuss.

smile because it happened

10. You are the host of "Candid Camera."

allen funt

11. You are this bird.

And that's it. Got it?

Food For Ants


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Autumn in Multi-Focus

Autumn in Multi-Focus

Submitted by: ToolBee

Tagged: autumn , glasses , gifs , focus Share on Facebook

The One Thing That Will Make Me Never Use Your Website

The One Thing That Will Make Me Never Use Your Website

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Tagged: facebook , you know what really grinds my gears Share on Facebook

Happy Halloween from Game of Thrones. Sort of.

I bought my Halloween costume months ago because I fell in love with the sleeves and Victor was like “Who are you supposed to be?” and I didn’t really have a good answer so I just said, “Game of Thrones.  I’m going as Game of Thrones.”  Then he said, “You can’t be ‘Game of Thrones‘.  You can’t be a whole tv show.”   But I disagree because technically I don’t know who I’m dressed as.  I just liked the outfit.  But Victor kept pushing for an answer so I was like, “I’m Game of Thrones.  I’m a really important character who George R.R. Martin hasn’t actually invented yet.  She’s super bad-ass.  I’m cutting-edge, futuristic Game of Thrones.”  

I don’t have a picture of me wearing it but it’s this:

I look just like this but with less hair and more everything else.

I look just like this but with less hair and more everything else.

Then he stared at me as if I was crazy, and I was like, “She’s a mysterious stranger with a dark secret.  She likes pina-coladas and getting caught in the rain.  She avoids weddings.  I don’t know, Victor.  I DON’T KNOW GEORGE R.R. MARTIN’S END GAME.”  And then Victor shook his head, but technically I could have said I was any current character and he wouldn’t be able to dispute it because there are so many characters now we’ve pretty much renamed Game of Thrones: “Wait.  Who is that?  Is that girl new?  What’s happening again?  Are you sure we’re even watching the right show?”  

(And also, I sort of look like Maester Luwin but without the necklace, or the penis.)

 Then Victor was like “I can’t believe you spent money on burlap.  Long-sleeved burlap.” and I was like, “THE LONGEST SLEEVES.  SLEEVES FOR DAYS!” and he said “This is Texas.  You’re going to get heatstroke” and I stared at him and whispered, huskily: 

“Winter is coming.”  

Then he shook his head at my idiocy and I smiled and reminded him that “Once you’ve accepted your flaws, no one can use them against you.”  Or at least that’s what I’d like to say happened, but I can never think of the right quotes to use at the time and I was distracted because Ferris Mewler started chasing after my sleeves because he thought they were cat toys and he was hanging off the end of one while I tried to shake him loose, screaming: “MY DIREWOLF HAS BETRAYED ME” and then Victor just walked away.

Hailey, on the other hand, loved my costume and decided we should match and I explained I was dressed like a non-existent character from a book about bad-ass warriors and dragons and danger, so she picked out a Viking Guard costume because she thought it would be a good fit with mine.  (We also created a very complicated back-story for each of our characters but I can’t write it all here because I don’t know how litigious George R.R. Martin is.)

Anyway, Hailey’s costume came in last week and Victor said, “Cool.  Are you supposed to be a Norse Warrior?” and she was like, “Nope.  I’m Game of Thrones.”


She comes by it naturally.

Happy Halloween, y’all.


Skeleton’s Humor Is To Die For

funny-skeleton-Halloween-conversation funny-skeleton-Halloween-conversation-bones

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Kelly Ripa And Michael Strahan Dressed Up As All Your Favorite TV Characters For Halloween

Kelly Ripa and Michael Strahan covered it all on "Live's Best Halloween Show Ever Seriously" special on Friday.

The talk show hosts started off the show dressed as zombies and -- with a little help from Gelman and Art Moore -- went on to spoof TV's hottest series, including "Downton Abbey," "Orange Is the New Black," "Game of Thrones" and "Mad Men." They even poked fun at Kimye's wedding, Taylor Swift's "Shake It Off" music video and NBC's "Peter Pan LIVE!"

A video posted by LIVE with Kelly and Michael (@kellyandmichael) on Oct 10, 2014 at 5:49am PDT

A video posted by LIVE with Kelly and Michael (@kellyandmichael) on Oct 10, 2014 at 5:57am PDT

Be honest. Is there something in my teeth? Happy Halloween boos!

A photo posted by Kelly Ripa (@kellyripa) on Oct 10, 2014 at 8:17am PDT

Time to change into the next costume...standby! #LIVEzombies #LIVEHalloween

A photo posted by michaelstrahan (@michaelstrahan) on Oct 10, 2014 at 6:28am PDT

@kellyripa dressed as Joan, and @michaelstrahan dressed as #DonDraper from #MadMen!! Tomorrow's #LiveHalloween is going to be #AMAZING! #KellyandMichael @MadMen_AMC

A photo posted by LIVE with Kelly and Michael (@kellyandmichael) on Oct 10, 2014 at 8:28am PDT

A photo posted by LIVE with Kelly and Michael (@kellyandmichael) on Oct 10, 2014 at 9:07am PDT

A photo posted by LIVE with Kelly and Michael (@kellyandmichael) on Oct 10, 2014 at 11:21am PDT

A photo posted by LIVE with Kelly and Michael (@kellyandmichael) on Oct 10, 2014 at 4:20pm PDT

A photo posted by LIVE with Kelly and Michael (@kellyandmichael) on Oct 10, 2014 at 7:14am PDT

kimye kelly

peter pan


Aidy Bryant on ‘SNL’ Reviews: “We’re Definitely Aware of It”

by Megh Wright

"I mean we're definitely aware of it. We hear things. Some of us read more and some of us don't. One of the things we talk about a lot within the cast is how much the show now is broken down into three-minute chunks and dissected. I don't think that happened in the '90s and the '80s and I wonder if there's a purity to that that I envy sometimes. I think that if you went to go see a stand-up show or a sketch show live, you'd take it for what it is and just enjoy it … But it's become such a math problem of 'who has the most to do this week,' or 'who had the most screentime?'"

- Aidy Bryant shares her thoughts on the rise of SNL reviews in a new interview with The Daily Beast. Sorry, Aidy.


Kung Fu Dad


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Crash Test Dummies Getting Fatter Thanks to ‘Murica

Crash Test Dummies Getting Fatter Thanks to ‘Murica

Well it's official, we have a reached a new low in America's obesity epidemic.

Humanetics, the Michigan-based company that manufactures crash test dummies, will now be making fatter 270-pound models to better reflect the current population, compared to the previous 167 pound versions which were created in the '80s.

"The dummy is a little taller because the population is now taller — but to be frank, it's all in the butt, thighs and midsection because that's where the weight gain has occurred," said Humanetics CEO Chris O'Connor.

Good job 'Murica!

Submitted by: (via USA Today)

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You Chose Right, Nerd

You Chose Right, Nerd

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Tagged: drama , anime , relationships , Overshare , breakup Share on Facebook

Way to Go Internet

Way to Go Internet

Submitted by: Unknown

Tagged: internet , genius , funny Share on Facebook

You Can Feel the Sexual Tension

You Can Feel the Sexual Tension

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This New Technology May Help Us Communicate Better With Dogs!

This New Technology May Help Us Communicate Better With Dogs! "There are two types of communication technologies," says Alper Bozkurt, an assistant professor of electrical and computer engineering at NC State and co-lead author of a paper on the work. "One that allows us to communicate with the dogs, and one that allows them to communicate with us."

"Dogs communicate primarily through body language, and one of our challenges was to develop sensors that tell us about their behavior by observing their posture remotely," Roberts says. "So we can determine when they're sitting, standing, running, etc., even when they're out of sight – a harness-mounted computer the size of a deck of cards transmits those data wirelessly. At the same time, we've incorporated speakers and vibrating motors, called haptics, into the harness, which enable us to communicate with the dogs."

Submitted by: (via Laboratory Equipment)

Tagged: awesome , dogs , science , technology Share on Facebook

When You Realize You’re Fighting Bruce Campbell

When You Realize You're Fighting Bruce Campbell

No bones about he'll GIF ya splitting headache.

Submitted by: catophile

Tagged: hate it when that happens , rage , doh , gifs , skeletons Share on Facebook

What Is The Internet Doing To You, Neil?


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Ruth Baby Ginsburg

Ruth Baby Ginsburg

Submitted by: (via @taffyakner)

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The Best Headline Ever


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Chris Rock Counts Down The Year’s Top 5 Halloween Costumes

We have seen the light!

Chris Rock, star of the movie "Top Five," made a visit to "The Tonight Show" Thursday to count down the year's top five Halloween costumes. The best part was that Rock delivered the list in the style of a preacher, breaking into dance after each costume was revealed.

The preacher bit, along with the costumes themselves, definitely gives us something to believe in.

"The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon" airs weeknights at 11:35 p.m. ET on NBC.

Veronica Osorio (@vaov) on People-Watching and Reading Tweets Out Loud

by Jenny Nelson

vaovVeronica Osorio is a comedian, writer, and actress raised in Venezuela and living in New York City. She performs regularly at the UCB Theater in New York with her Maude team (212), and she’s made and starred in a variety of web series and videos that you can find on her Youtube channel. On Twitter, Osorio writes under the handle @vaov. I recently spoke with Osorio about three of her favorite tweets plus capitalizing on trends, reading tweets out loud in a person's voice, and naps.

Learn from me: Making cat noises won't distract your boyfriend from trying to kill a swarm of something-somethings in that game he plays.

— Veronica Osorio (@vaov) March 12, 2014

Osorio: Well, I tried everything to get my boyfriend to look away from this game in which he is a band of bugs swarming around or some crap, and he wouldn't. I showed him my best sexy dances and made little noises and bigger noises… nothing! Eventually, I thought if he was ignoring me so I feel like I got a free pass to tweet about it. He saw it later and I think he thought it was funny and got the message… not that he applies it.

When tweeting about real life stuff, are there certain areas that you draw the most from, or that you won't even touch?

I think I don't leave things out but I rarely feel inspired to tweet about relationship stuff. I like people-watching and bad interactions the most. I'm observing and guessing what people are thinking and why they are doing what they are doing all day, at a small scale too, a walking-down-the-street level. AND THEN Star Trek, because I just finished TNG back-to-back and I'm watching DS9 from the beginning.

Do you think there are jokes that are equally as good on Twitter and in person?

Yes! There are some but they are rare. Funny is funny but some tweets are cleverer, more laugh-inspiring on Twitter than in life, like they resonate more with people in written form but if you say them out loud people are thinking, "so snarky!" or, "Oh OK," and that's it. Sometimes I read tweets and I imagine the person saying it in their voice and tone and I just want to hear them say that out loud.

RT if you believe in goats

— Veronica Osorio (@vaov) March 15, 2012

This is one of my favorite tweets, I think about it about twice a month I think. It was the time in which everyone was asking everyone to retweet things, and that thought just popped into my head and now it's out in the world. Also we all believe in goats, I think, it would be crazy not to, so I got some sure RTs out of it, which I exchanged for a large sum of money in the Twitter headquarters, and now I needn't to worry about a thing in my life.

What are your feelings on topical jokes, or generally keeping up with what's current on Twitter?

I love seeing what people do with topical stuff, you can learn a lot about joke writing, you can search any topic and see what EVERYONE on Twitter has written about it. That way I gauge what the obvious jokes are. I personally like surreal humor a little more, however it's so satisfying to nail a topical joke… hm I should try it more.

How many naps is considered "productive?"

— Veronica Osorio (@vaov) September 6, 2014

I had one of these days in which I napped three times and I felt like that should count for something, that takes a lot of effort and commitment. You sweat more when you nap and also get the weirdest dreams and wake up the thirstiest so… I feel like I was putting in some real effort. Maybe I was being a little self-congratulatory that day because I also thought writing that tweet was a huge "writing progress."

What's the longest amount of time you've spent on a tweet?

Oh God, in a row? Maybe an hour? But so many more get incubated in the drafts folder for a while before they even leave. Then sometimes I tweet the first thing that comes to mind about farts and I get more faves than ever.

What are your favorite and least favorite things about Twitter?

My favorite is when any of my friends just silently retweets something dumb someone else says, also imagining the people I read saying the tweets in their own voice. Personally, I like saying weird things and finding out, through favorites, who's the crowd for that specific tweet. Even guessing, ahead of time, which of your friends will favorite it.

I don't like: I wish I could spell check without deleting the whole tweet. Not only this is my second language but I'm dyslexic as hell so, that'd be awesome.

Jenny Nelson writes, lives in Brooklyn and works at Funny or Die.


How To Properly Decorate You House For Halloween


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Ebola Pickup Lines

Ebola Pickup Lines

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Tagged: ebola , halloween , funny , pickup lines , wtf Share on Facebook

That Would Be the Best Explanation

That Would Be the Best Explanation

Submitted by: Unknown

Share on Facebook

Very Funny, Kid…

Very Funny, Kid...

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Tagged: costume , pizza , kids , freezer , parenting , grocery store Share on Facebook

New York Jets Player Eric Decker Asks Fans Why They Love the Jets, Things Get Hilariously Sad

New York Jets Player Eric Decker Asks Fans Why They Love the Jets, Things Get Hilariously Sad

NY Jets wide receiver Eric Decker asked fans to tweet their #jetsdiehardfan stories. What he got was a look inside the minds of exasperated fans of the struggling team. Here are some of the best.
Hat tip to CBS Sports.

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Tagged: football , hashtags , sports , twitter Share on Facebook

Guess That Wasn’t a Potion After All

Guess That Wasn't a Potion After All

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Tagged: Skyward Sword , link , acid , zelda Share on Facebook

Nation, The Last Episode Of ‘The Colbert Report’ Will Air On December 18

If you're a "Colbert Report" fan and get depressed around the holidays, you might have a particularly difficult time this year.

On Thursday night's episode, Stephen Colbert announced that our beloved "Report" will air its last episode on Dec. 18.

Of course, we'll be seeing more of Stephen when he takes over for David Letterman as host of "The Late Show" in 2015. That date, however, has not been set.

Colbert couched his show's expiration date in a plug for the paperback release of his book, "America Again."

"The point is, Stephen Colbert, the guy you've seen here every night for 9 years, will be gone. And all you'll have left of me is this book," he said.

Considering that Colbert does not plan to bring his signature "character" to his new late night gig, that's unfortunately true.

I’m So Blessed!

CATHY! OMG! I am SO sorry for the late reply! I feel horrible that it took me a week and a half to reply to your email! Wait - was that two weeks? What, three? Super sad panda sorry! (Ha ha I saw that on Facebook today). Time goes by so fast! My life is so hectic! I'm in a blender! So many exciting things going on! Things have been crazy! So many projects! So many important meetings! I am just so blessed!

Crazy busy! That's what makes it SO hard for me to reply to the JILLIONS of emails I get DAILY! Phew! I barely have a moment to sit down and think! So, wow, sorry for the late reply, geez, I feel pretty bad but - SMILEY - ack - how do I say this - in the scheme of things, my life is pretty busy and that means my life is probably more important than yours. I have a lot going on and I'm pretty sure that you don't. Oof, hope that didn't come out weird.

Arrgh! Awkward!

But anyway, here I am, responding to your email about - what was it? Your aunt? A job? A vacation? Right, good! Good for you! Man, I wish I could make this email longer but I have a lot of important things to do. You would not believe the important things I have going on. If it's not one project it's another, if it's not one business trip it's another, I just cannot keep up! And the kids!

How do I do it, you might ask? THANK YOU STARBUCKS! Lol!

Love and Light,



No, you're right to point out that I don't have kids. I deserved that. And your aunt's death - not funny. My bad. Ugh! When are they going to invent robotic arms so I can do more things at once, I would have replied much sooner! I have so much to do that I need a clone! You are so lucky that your life is so slow and simple, like a Quaker or something! I can't even imagine!

You must love living the slower life. I envy you! Well, be careful what you wish for, right?! I am just so blessed! So blessed and busy! Sometimes I think I should slow down some and enjoy life more but I just have so much to do! Sometimes people ask me, Kelly, how do you get it all done and I just laugh - because I have no idea! I'm like the Energizer Bunny! But honestly, I wish I could be more like you. Living the simple life. I bet you find so much meaning in just like, picking up your kids from school and baking and things or your job or whatever.Jealous!

Love and Light,



Wow. I'll be honest. The reason that it took me over two weeks to reply to your last email is that I was super duper busy but also, really, really shocked by your tone. Obviously, we have drifted apart. I thought we were friends. If you can't support me and my exciting life then I really think you need to take a yoga class or something. I'm serious. You have time. What I said was a compliment about the Quakers. Did you ever hear that song 'Tis a Gift to be Simple?! I guess not. Well, honestly, I am too busy to continue this conversation. Your negativity is way too negative.

p.s. Yes, I do realize that I post on Facebook a lot - it's called social media? You may have heard of it?

p.p.s. Don't bother replying. I don't have time for this.


Alabama Boosters Under Fire After Paying For Nick Saban’s Sex Change

TUSCALOOSA, AL—Drawing widespread condemnation from fans and pundits alike, boosters from the University of Alabama Crimson Tide Foundation are facing heavy criticism after it was revealed Friday that the organization fully funded head football coac...

Then We Ask Ourselves Why Cats Will Uprise


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White House Receives Letter Addressed To Gerald Ford Or Current President

A Chart of the Most Popular Halloween Costumes From 2009-2013

A Chart of the Most Popular Halloween Costumes From 2009-2013

The interactive chart is at NPR's Planet Money blog.

Submitted by: (via Laughing Squid)

Tagged: halloween costumes , halloween , charts Share on Facebook

Stare Into The Abyss Long Enough…

Stare Into The Abyss Long Enough...

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Tagged: sad but true , pop culture , void , web comics Share on Facebook

Sportsgraphic: Fantasy Football Week 9: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em

Onion Sports has expert analysis on which players to keep and which players to drop from your fantasy football starting lineup this week: Start ’Em Andrew Luck (QB): Luck is unlikely to be fooled by Giants players’ attemp...

Everyone Praying At Midfield Thinking About Court Appearance

Just Have A Great Day


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Ken Marino’s Kids Have Learned His Famous Catchphrase from ‘The State’

by Megh Wright

Marry Me star Ken Marino was a guest on last night's Late Night, where he admitted to teaching his five and seven-year-old children that his famous The State catchphrase is just how adults greet one another. So there you have it: Somewhere out there there's a mini Ken Marino saying "I wanna dip my balls in it" on the playground, which is the kind of enduring legacy we can all believe in.


Dog vs. Chicken Nugget Is A Battle To End All Battles

Dog vs. chicken nugget: It’s a battle for the ages, but who will be the victor?

In this video, uploaded by America's Funniest Home Videos, a nugget-loving pooch will impress you with his single-minded determination to get the chicken morsel from the seat of a baby's highchair.

With this kind of resolve, we know who we’d put our money on.


H/T Tastefully Offensive

Gardening Can Be Confusing


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What You’d Actually Do with a Real Mech Suit


She Sounds Like a Real Catch

She Sounds Like a Real Catch

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Tagged: wtf , tinder , relationships , parenting , dating Share on Facebook

Always Practice With Both Hands

Always Practice With Both Hands

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Ebola Has Gone too Far!

Ebola Has Gone too Far!

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Tagged: photoshop , ebola , science Share on Facebook

The Story of the Government

The Story of the Government

Submitted by: Unknown

Tagged: anonymous , government , dont-care , funny Share on Facebook

Real Scientists Understand His Limitations

Real Scientists Understand His Limitations

Submitted by: (via The Upturned Microscope)

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A Cartoon Alpaca Voiced By Amy Poehler Explains Economic Inequality

Ever dream Amy Poehler would explain economic issues to you in the form of a cute alpaca? Well, you're in luck.

Directed by Adam McKay, a new video for We The Economy called "The Unbelievably Sweet Alpacas" features Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph, and Sarah Silverman. The trio voices adorable alpacas who have just graduated from their sweetness schools and are about to enter the work force for the first time. Unfortunately, their quest to the lollipop factory in search of jobs takes a turn when they're met with the harsh realities of the current economic climate. Systematic inequality and social immobility have never been quite so ... rainbow.

H/T Washington Post

‘Conan’ Prop Master Bill Tull Offers Some Budget-Friendly Halloween Costume Ideas

by Megh Wright

Fancy Halloween costumes can be a drain on the wallet, but during last night's Conan, prop master Bill Tull made another appearance and offered up some costume ideas that are more potentially offensive, dangerous, and/or deadly than they are expensive.


It’s All About That Base


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5 Things You Didn’t Know About ‘The Simpsons’

"The Simpsons" has been around for nearly 25 years, but even the show's most avid watchers may have missed certain key facts. For instance, do you know why Maggie's "price" as she's slid across the cash register is $847.63? No? Then watch away:

H/T Mashable

The American Invasion of Buckingham Palace

The American Invasion of Buckingham Palace

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Yes, Compare GamerGaters to Ebola Patients, That Won’t Make Anyone Upset

Yes, Compare GamerGaters to Ebola Patients, That Won't Make Anyone Upset

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11 Amy Poehler Stories You’ve Never Heard Before, But Will Totally Relate To Your Life

Yes, yes, yes.

With celebrity memoirs, there's always a hope that the author will divulge crazy details about their life. Amy Poehler's new book, Yes Please, certainly delivers. The book includes amazingly detailed stories, like that time she was a worked at a Chicago restaurant and served Oprah, who naturally gave her tablemates gifts. Poehler also recounts befriending the star player of the New York Knicks upon moving to New York and scoring free courtside tickets. The funny lady even jumped on George Clooney's lap at the Golden Globes without asking. But these moments are probably not that relatable.

Unfortunately for us you, it is unlikely Hillary Clinton will write your first child a letter upon his birth, or that you'll get to be in a cult classic movie like "Wet Hot American Summer," which Poehler describes as "a film whose behind-the-scenes stories would make for a steamy beach read." At 43, Amy Poehler already has so much to share.

Yes Please also contains quite a few LOL stories that -- if you ignore the celebrity names -- could totally happen to you. Poehler may have hinted at these stories in interviews over the years, but Yes Please gives a lot more to the perfect narrative of Poehler's life. This is a book that will make you recall the phrase Leslie Knope and Ben Wyatt share with each other in "Parks and Recreation," and say, "Amy Poehler, I love you and I like you."

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1. Amy Poehler threw a "losers party" with Jon Hamm and charged only people who had won awards to get inside.


Both Amy Poehler and Jon Hamm are notorious for receiving multiple awards nominations, but never winning. In Poehler's book, she has a whole chapter called "Gimme That Pudding," in which she discusses that while awards shouldn't matter all that much, perpetually coming so close to the "pudding" and not getting it can get you down. Referring to the 2010 Emmys:

The following year I was breast-feeding a six-week-old Abel. I was too tired to think of bits but my hormones were telling me to just jump onstage and grab the award before they announced the winner. Luckily I had enough oxytocin floating around in my body that I didn't care or notice who won. (Edie Falco.) Jimmy Fallon hosted and crushed. I sat in the front row and heckled the after-party with what Tina referred to as my impressive "temporary rack." I broke my toe on the banquette I was dancing on. That's right. ON. I acted like the blue-collar party machine I had been raised to be. Jon Hamm and I held Emmys that weren't ours. We called ourselves losers all night and years later threw a losers party where winners had to donate money to charity to get in.

Really the best way to handle that situation.

2. Amy Poehler was voted third runner-up for "Most Casual" in high school.

Raised in Newton, Massachusetts, Amy Poehler graduated from Burlington High School in 1989. In her high school yearbook, classmates bestowed upon her a pretty prestigious honor:

I weaved in and out of activities and groups, and hid on occasion. My school was big and sprawling, with four hundred students in my graduating class. I played basketball and soccer for a while and I thought I might be some kind of athlete ... Softball was the most fun because of the opportunity to shit-talk. But my enthusiasm for team sports fell away once I realized I would never be great. (Once they move you from shortstop to second base, you might want to start making other plans.) I was a cheerleader for a while. I did student council. I started to hang with the popular crowd but was never considered the prettiest or most interesting. I tended to blend. In my high school yearbook I was voted third runner-up for "Most Casual." I never figured out if that meant most casual in dress or in overall manner. In any case, I didn't come in first. I guess the two ahead of me wanted it less.

Poehler's whole high school experience wasn't just winning superlatives though; the Boston suburb had a rough crowd. As she explains in the book, many of the boys were jocks who'd beat each other up and "the girls were a tough bunch as well. I was pushed into a locker and punched by a cheerleader. One girl pulled my hair at lunch because she thought I was 'stuck up.'"

3. While binge-watching "Law & Order," Amy Poehler's water broke when the "bam bam" noise happened.

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Amy Poehler had been planning to appear on an episode of "Saturday Night Live" hosted by Jon Hamm that coincided with her due date. After a day of rehearsals and writing, she was exhausted and, as she explains: "I went home and got in bed. It was three thirty in the morning and I put on my favorite TV show, 'Law & Order,' to go to sleep. I heard the 'bam bam' sound effect in the opening credits and my water broke."

Poehler missed "SNL," but in one of her lowest moments during the week of preparation, when she learned her doctor had died and wouldn't be able to help her deliver the baby, Jon Hamm helped to drastically change her mood:

I cried and cried in my "Mad Men" dress. Jon Hamm held me by the shoulders and looked at me and said, "I know this is very sad, but this is a really important show for me, so I'm going to need you to get your shit together." This made me laugh so hard I think I peed. Going from crying to laughing that fast and hard happens maybe five times in your life and that extreme right turn is the reason why we are alive, and I believe it extends our life by many years.

4. During a recess in kindergarten, Amy Poehler became accidentally handcuffed to her best friend when the two lost the key.


A friend at school had brought in handcuffs, the origin of which was mysterious but not really questioned at the time. Since Poehler and her childhood best friend, Keri Downey, were already inseparable, it made sense to handcuff themselves to one another. As Poehler explains in the book:

Keri and I immediately took them and then shared a look as we locked them on to our wrists. Keri discreetly dropped the key to the ground and then we pretended it was lost. We faked being upset while a small group of kids gathered around, excited about the idea of handcuffs and lost keys and people being stuck together. The general hubbub turned into real concern once we couldn't actually find the key we had dropped.

The two eventually found the key, but not before causing a lot of angst for the staff, who had hatched a ridiculous plan to set them free before the girls' parents found out.

Poehler says, "The school called us the Handcuff Girls, which will be my band's name when I become a rock star in my mid-sixties. It was the most exciting thing that had ever happened to me up to that point, and it was the perfect kind of scary story that only lasts a few hours and ends up well."

5. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler trade special dog tags back and forth when one of them is feeling down.


The friendship between Tina Fey and Poehler is well-documented, but, in the book, Poehler gives a very sweet detail about their friendship immediately following Fey's exit from "SNL." "When Tina left, I gave her dog tags that read 'Pleasant Tomorrow.' Recently she gave them back to me while I was going through a tough time," Poehler wrote. "I like to think we will give them back and forth to each other whenever needed."

The two came up in the improv world together and the book includes many stories of their touring days. Here's a particularly funny one involving a dominatrix:

We traveled all over Chicago and the United States in a van with hilarious men and women. I think we were paid $65 a show. We would drive across Texas and perform three or four times and come back to Chicago deep in debt. Those van rides were tiny comedy labs. I remember a lot of beef jerky and bits. Tina taught me how to pluck my eyebrows. During our Texas tour we stopped at a Dallas S&M club and drank warm Diet Cokes as we watched a woman lazily whip a guy. Nothing is more depressing than a tired dominatrix.

6. Amy Poehler had an intense stoner year out of college.


There's a chapter in Yes Please entitled "Obligatory Drug Stories, or Lessons I Learned on Mushrooms."

"I've tried most drugs but avoided the BIG BAD ONES," she wrote. One of the ones Poehler "tried" quite a bit was pot, although it didn't help her be any funnier:

High school and college came and went and I smoked pot very rarely. Then I arrived in Chicago and lived the life of a stoner for a year. I would smoke in the morning and listen to Bob Marley. I would wear headphones and buy records and comic books. I would make mac and cheese while watching "Deep Space Nine." I am not one of those people who smokes weed and suddenly has a burst of creativity. I am one of those people who smokes weed and spends an hour lightening my eyebrows. It slowed me down and helped with my Irish stomach and anxiety and the constant channel-changing that happened in my head. I can't perform, drive, or write stoned, and therefore I smoke pot a lot less than I used to.

Image: "Parks and Recreation"

7. Almost every day on the set of "Parks and Recreation," Amy Poehler leads a spontaneous dance party.

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Hopefully, with the finale of "Parks and Recreation" approaching, spontaneous dance parties between the greatest cast of all time won't end as well. Amy Poehler explains in the book about why dancing is so important:

Spontaneous dance parties are important in my life. I have one in the makeup trailer almost every afternoon on "Parks and Recreation." Dancing is the great equalizer. It gets people out of their heads and into their bodies. I think if you can dance and be free and not embarrassed you can rule the world.

8. After an angry man shoved into her for talking throughout a flight with Tina Fey on their way to film "Mean Girls," Amy Poehler lost it and chased him.


Amy Poehler was flying with Fey and Ana Gasteyer in first class, en route to shoot scenes for "Mean Girls" in Toronto. They talked throughout the flight and a man seated nearby became audibly aggravated and eventually shoved into Poehler as they were exiting the plane, trying to tell her off and suggesting that she does not deserve to be in first class. Poehler wasn't having that:

All of my lower-middle-class Boston issues rose to the surface. I don't like it when bratty, privileged old white guys speak to me like I am their mouthy niece. I got that amazing feeling you get when you know you are going to lose it in the best, most self-righteous way. I just leaned back and yelled, "FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU." Then I chased him as he tried to get away from me. "You rich motherfucker! Who do you think you are? You're not better than me. Fuck you and your fucking opinions, you piece of shit." And on and on. Tina was laughing. Or horrified. I don't remember...

Poehler admits she's still figuring out the right balance between finding her voice and apologizing.

9. Amy Poehler had apartment horror stories when first moving to New York City, including run-ins with a "Peeping Tom."

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Moving to the big city with her boyfriend at the time, comedian Matt Besser, to see if their Upright Citizens Brigade improv group could break through, the two had some rough times. Poehler describes one such Manhattan apartment:

Each evening Matt and I would roll our change and throw pennies at the rats outside our windows. We put bowls over our stove at night so the mice wouldn't come up through the burners. Once i pulled back the curtain and locked eyes with a masturbating Peeping Tom, and he just waved at me like someone saying farewell from the deck of a ship. It was the closest I have ever felt to Patti Smith. I loved it.

10. Amy Poehler likes to write topless.


From the first section of the book, "Writing Is Hard: A Preface," Poehler writes, "One of the things I have learned about me while writing about me is that I am really onto myself. I have got Amy Poehler's number, I'll tell you. I also learned that writing topless tends to relax me. Go figure. Life is a mystery."

11. A "Saturday Night Live" sketch in which Amy Poehler gets flustered and starts humping Justin Timberlake was based on the fact that she was "flummoxed" around him in real life.

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A whole chapter in Yes Please is entitled "Humping Justin Timberlake." (Nobody is safe from the charms of JT.)

[Emily] Spivey and I wrote a sketch based on a real moment we had with the handsome and talented Justin Timberlake. He was hosting and came into the office one writing night. We both got very flummoxed, and it caused us to write a scene where I was attempting to give him notes backstage during a show. I was dressed as a leprechaun with a giant orange wig. I ended up getting tongue-tied and eventually just started humping on him. Justin had a lovely Southern woman who was his ex-teacher and "handler" at the time. She did not think it was a good idea for him to be shirtless during this sketch. I point to these boundaries as one reason why Justin has kept his shit together.

And now, a few more stories from the chapter about "SNL" hosts:

Christina Aguilera: Poehler danced with her in a club.
Antonio Banderas: He "smelled the best of any host."
Colin Farrell: He was "super hungover and super nice."
James Gandolfini: Poehler made him a drink before a piece on "Weekend Update" to "settle his nerves."
Paul Giamatti: Responded to Poehler's question as to whether or not he was having fun by saying, "This is a fucking nightmare!"
John Goodman: Amy Poehler's favorite as "he was nice to [her] when no one knew [her] name."
Hugh Jackman: He was "incredibly kind and sent everyone a case of Foster's beer."
Ashton Kutcher: While leaving an "SNL" after-party, Poehler was smoking outside with Seth Meyers and future "Parks and Recreation" creator Mike Schur. After Kutcher said a casual goodbye, Poehler screamed, "Love you, Ashton. You're the best!" She described this as a "very uncool" thing to do.

On second thought, maybe Amy Poehler's life is a bit too awesome to ever be truly relatable...

All images Getty unless otherwise noted.

‘Today’ Co-Hosts Channel Classic ‘SNL’ Characters For Halloween

The "Today" co-hosts brought their A-game once again this Halloween:

Can every day be Halloween?! #HalloweenTODAY

— TODAY (@TODAYshow) October 31, 2014

The co-hosts, and entire crew, arrived at the plaza Friday morning dressed as some of our favorite "Saturday Night Live" characters -- and it was nothing short of incredible. Matt Lauer dressed as Pat, Natalie Morales as Mary Katherine Gallagher, and Willie Geist and Tamron Hall as the Spartan cheerleaders. But, our personal favorite, Savannah Guthrie, Meredith Vieira and Jenna Bush Hager donned the stylish "mom jeans" made famous by Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Rachel Dratch, and Maya Rudolph:

"We're wearing butt pads!" @SavannahGuthrie & co. slip into Mom Jeans for #HalloweenTODAY:

— TODAY (@TODAYshow) October 31, 2014

Check out all the costumes:

.@NMoralesNBC is... Mary Katherine Gallagher! #HalloweenTODAY #superstar

— TODAY (@TODAYshow) October 31, 2014

.@AlRoker & @LesterHoltNBC are…The Blues Brothers! #HalloweenTODAY

— TODAY (@TODAYshow) October 31, 2014

.@MLauer is…Pat! #HalloweenTODAY

— TODAY (@TODAYshow) October 31, 2014

It's Matt! @MLauer made channeled Pat for #HalloweenTODAY!

— TODAY (@TODAYshow) October 31, 2014

.@KathieLGifford & @HodaKotb are…Wayne’s World! #HalloweenTODAY #schwing

— TODAY (@TODAYshow) October 31, 2014

.@WillieGeist & @TamronHall are….The Spartan cheerleaders! #HalloweenTODAY

— TODAY (@TODAYshow) October 31, 2014

Nobody rocks the mom jeans like @JennaBushHager @SavannahGuthrie & @meredithvieira! #HalloweenTODAY

— TODAY (@TODAYshow) October 31, 2014

.@SavannahGuthrie brought ‘Mom Jeans’ to the plaza! #HalloweenTODAY

— TODAY (@TODAYshow) October 31, 2014

Even the control room got in the SNL spirit! #HalloweenTODAY

— TODAY (@TODAYshow) October 31, 2014

And we continue to be grateful to Matt Lauer for not making us live through this again. Happy Halloween, everyone!

Asparagus Pee Is Real, But Only Some Of Us Can Smell It

Everyone's pee smells like asparagus after they digest it. Deny this all you like, but those green stalks contain something called asparagusic acid, among a couple other compounds, that gives urine that unique odor.

As your body digests food, it breaks down different compounds through the enzymatic process. In the case of asparagus, its compounds are volatile and released as a vapor through the urine. That's the aroma you smell when the compound exits your body, according to HuffPost's conversation with Dr. Anish Sheth, a gastroenterologist at Princeton Medical Group and author of What's Your Baby's Poo Telling You?.

If you insist you've never before smelled what's been informally dubbed "asparagus pee," it's because you lack the ability to detect the odor. The smell is there, you just can't smell it. "The digestive process is pretty constant from person to person, but a person’s ability to detect these odors varies," Sheth says. This is because our perception of smell -- just like our perception of color -- is completely personal. "We all have our own idiosyncratic smell perception of the world," Dr. Ian Davison, a biology professor at Boston University, explains to HuffPost. "Our experience of different smells is completely unique." The inability to smell this asparagus pee is an instance of specific anosmia, where a specific scent cannot be detected by a specific nose.

Illustration by Eva Hill

There are about 400 different genes for the different receptors in every nose. Some people have a mutation in one of these genes that affects the ability of that receptor to respond to the chemical that makes pee smell funny. The defect seems a bit arbitrary -- Sheth chalks it up to "an odd quirk of human evolution;" up to 50 percent of people can detect the smell. Davison guesses the mutation happened over time. He says that for many animals, sense of smell is key for survival. Humans, on the other hand, rely so strongly on their visual sense that smell devolved, and these random errors -- like not being able to smell asparagus pee -- started creeping through.

Asparagus pee is not the only scent for which people experience specific anosmia. Every two or three people out of 100 have a tough time detecting vanillin, the main compound found in vanilla. Some are particularly sensitive (or insensitive) to androstenone, a component of sweat. "It flips between weak and pleasant to powerful and quite nasty," Davison says.

We can't control much of this. But if your asparagus pee is really getting to you, Sheth suggests cutting off the tips of the vegetable before consuming it. "That's where the bulk of the compounds are found." He, personally, sees no reason to take this step, as he finds the tips to be most delicious and worth the consequences.

Want to read more from HuffPost Taste? Follow us on Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest and Tumblr.

Stephen Colbert Announces His Last ‘Colbert Report’ Episode Will Be December 18th

by Megh Wright

During last night's Colbert Report, Stephen took a moment to shamelessly hawk the paperback edition of his 2012 book America Again: Re-Becoming the Greatness We Never Weren't, but not without good reason: Colbert announced that the official date for the final episode of the show is now Thursday, December 18th. "Stephen Colbert, the guy you've seen here every night for nine years, will be gone. All you'll have left of me is this book."


A Very Classy Banana Split


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He’s Been Doing This Ever Since I Taught Him Where Eggs Come From

He's Been Doing This Ever Since I Taught Him Where Eggs Come From

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How Jedi Take Selfies

How Jedi Take Selfies

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Very Expressive

Very Expressive

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Don’t Mind Me, Just Putting My Phone on Silent

Don't Mind Me, Just Putting My Phone on Silent

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Now That’s a Plan for a Sexy Evening

Now That's a Plan for a Sexy Evening

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Of Course Robots Will Never Become Our High-Tech Overlords… Or Will They?

All that talk about robots rising up to become our high-tech overlords is pretty far-fetched--or is it?

Sure, that Roomba keeping your floors clean isn't very menacing (except maybe to this dog), and you're not losing sleep worrying about the Looj that's sweeping out your gutters. But when you watch those videos of that Terminator-like PETMAN robot and that freaky robotic pack mule, you begin to wonder.

Alas, our new "11 Reasons To Fear Robots" mash-up video (see above) doesn't offer much reassurance. But it's fun to watch anyway.

Note: Parts of the video are NSFW.

The Geek Is Strong With This One


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Criminal Ghosts


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Adam And Eve Started The Tradition


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Maybe This Guy Shouldn’t be on the Force

Maybe This Guy Shouldn't be on the Force

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What Your Trash Says About Your Relationship

What Your Trash Says About Your Relationship

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The Gruesome Truth About Getting Shot (a First-Hand Account)

By Robert Evans,Ryan Jarcy

The Horrifying Secret to the Success of Zombie Movies

By Daniel O'Brien,Abe Epperson

21 Casting Ideas That Would Have Changed Movie History

By CRACKED Readers

6 Halloween Costumes You Won’t Believe Aren’t CGI

By E. Reid Ross

7 Insane ‘Halloween Party Guides’ (That We Tested)

By Evan V. Symon

4 Underrated Horror Films for Never Leaving the House Again

By Adam Tod Brown

Some Girls Don’t Want to Let it Go

Some Girls Don't Want to Let it Go

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Snake-Like Robots Maybe Able to Maneuver Up Sanddunes

Snake-Like Robots Maybe Able to Maneuver Up Sanddunes Limbless organisms such as snakes can navigate nearly all terrain. In particular, desert-dwelling sidewinder rattlesnakes (Crotalus cerastes) operate effectively on inclined granular media (such as sand dunes) that induce failure in field-tested limbless robots through slipping and pitching. Our laboratory experiments reveal that as granular incline angle increases, sidewinder rattlesnakes increase the length of their body in contact with the sand. Implementing this strategy in a physical robot model of the snake enables the device to ascend sandy slopes close to the angle of maximum slope stability.

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Good Guy Vex

Good Guy Vex

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I Don’t Care if It Would Kill Me, I Want It

I Don't Care if It Would Kill Me, I Want It

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(248): Just ate an entire BBQ…

(248): Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits.

They’re The Same Guy!


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(732): I told her I had a small…

(732): I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I.

(503): Btw, I feel the need to…

(503): Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.

The Simpsons Possibilities


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(270): The fact that we all…

(270): The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life.

(618): I’m pathetic. I’m…

(618): I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.

Saturday Mornings With Kids Vs Saturday Mornings Without Kids


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You’re Not Wrong

You're Not Wrong

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In a Quarter-Mile, Turn Right at the Secluded Motel

In a Quarter-Mile, Turn Right at the Secluded Motel

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She Doesn’t Even Know Those Are Fake Cats

She Doesn't Even Know Those Are Fake Cats

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Captcha Wants You to Keep You Relationship Fresh!

Captcha Wants You to Keep You Relationship Fresh!

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The Pumpkin That Reminds Us of the ACTUAL Most Terrifying Thing

The Pumpkin That Reminds Us of the ACTUAL Most Terrifying Thing

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Look Out! Sharknado!

Look Out! Sharknado!

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“The Inn Crowd”

By Jerry Zezima

If I can afford to retire when I am eligible in five years -- I took a vow of poverty when I went into journalism, so I may be working posthumously -- I'd like to be an innkeeper.

My wife, Sue, who is a teacher, thinks it's a great idea -- that I retire, not that I continue to work even after I am dead -- because she'd like to quit, too.

Then we can be like Bob Newhart and Mary Frann, who played the husband-and-wife owners of a Vermont bed and breakfast that was frequented by kooky characters on the old TV sitcom "Newhart."

To B&B or not to B&B -- that is the question Sue and I have been asking ourselves. To find the answer, I spoke with Neil Carr, 83, a lovable character who owns the Sea Beach Inn in Hyannis, Mass., where Sue and I stayed when we spent a very pleasant weekend on Cape Cod recently.

"I love people -- that's why I am in this place," Neil told me. "You have to have a positive outlook."

"Do you ever get any kooky characters here?" I asked.

"You mean like you?" Neil responded.

"Yes," I said.

Neil chuckled and said, "You're not kooky. In fact, you're normal compared to some of the guests I've had. One of them is here right now."

He was referring to an exceedingly fussy woman who had traveled from Missouri to watch her daughter play in a field hockey tournament.

"She's a pain in the butt," Neil explained. "She wants bacon and eggs every morning. I told her that we serve only a continental breakfast. She said, 'Is that all I'm getting?' I said, 'That's it, honey.' She's also been driving the cleaning girls crazy. One of them came down and said, 'What's going on in Room 2?' I said, 'She's here for six days. It's good money. Humor her.' That lady has been avoiding me and I've been avoiding her. And where's her poor husband? Back home. He's probably been drunk since she left."

Neil has also had his share of crazy adventures since he and his late wife, Elizabeth, bought the Sea Beach Inn in 1987.

"About 10 years ago I decided to add a prefabricated garage with a room on top," Neil recalled. "I had a spot cleared off and the footings put in. Then I got a call from a guy on Route 6 who said he had this building in a big dump truck. Part of the building brought a wire down, so now I had the cops on my hands. This guy was a terrible driver. He had to turn the truck around in a parking lot and come down the street, and there was traffic piling up behind him as far as you could see, and it looked like he was going to wreck the lawn of the people across the street. The woman who owned the house used to own the inn. She sold it to me. So now she wanted to kill me. She said, 'Now you can look down into my living room.' I said, 'Who'd want to look at you anyway?' She moved into a condo, but I hear she's still alive. She must be 98. She used to pop out from behind trees. She could have been in a cartoon."

"Or," I added, "a sitcom."

"This is just the place for one," said Neil.

"Would you ever sell the inn?" I inquired.

"One couple recently asked me that," Neil replied. "They followed me around. The wife said, 'This must be a wonderful life for you. We'd like to get a B&B.' I said, 'Really? I'll tell you what. I'll call the bank and find out what I still owe them. You go upstairs and get your checkbook. Pay me for what I still owe on the place, add two dollars to it and I'll be out by 5 o'clock this afternoon.' "

"Maybe my wife and I will buy it in five years," I said. "Until then, we'll come back as guests."

"You and your wife are always welcome," Neil said. "I could talk to you until the cows come home. We don't have any cows, but two horses used to live here. They could have been in the sitcom, too."

Stamford Advocate columnist Jerry Zezima is the author of "Leave It to Boomer" and "The Empty Nest Chronicles." Visit his blog at Email:

Copyright 2014 by Jerry Zezima

Jon Stewart’s Message To Texas Dems: ‘You Poor Bastards’

Jon Stewart brought "The Daily Show" to Texas this week, and on Thursday night he tore apart the notion that the red state is turning blue.

“Texas has been a conservative state since dinosaurs roamed it 6,000 years ago," Stewart said. "At least, that date's according to the Texas state high school textbooks."

To make his point, Stewart looked at the candidates leading races across Texas, from statewide office to the district level.

Greg Abbott, who currently holds a commanding lead in the race for governor, once posted an ad on Facebook showing a photo of a gun and a Bible that read: "Two things every American should know how to use... neither of which are taught in schools."

Dan Patrick, the state's leading candidate for lieutenant governor, has backed teaching creationism in school, allowing guns on campuses, ending direct elections of U.S senators and outlawing all abortion.

“You couldn’t be redder than that guy if you took Clifford the Big Red Dog and shoved it into the Devil’s rectum,” Stewart declared. "That's as red as red can red."

So call Stewart skeptical that the state will be turning Democratic blue anytime soon.

"You poor bastards," Stewart concluded. "Democrats in Texas are like the drunk guy at the bar who won't stop hitting on a girl even though we know she's a lesbian."

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