Apologies to a Baby From a Loving Mother

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No one's perfect. We all owe our kids a dozen little apologies every day; one mom decided to blog hers over at Dear Baby XO.

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A Rotating Sink

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At Least the Kids Didn’t Forget Your Birthday

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This Will Be a Hell of a Party!

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Classic: And That’s the Story of Fire Trucks, Kids

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Bird Uses Bread As Bait

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Awesome Snow Dragon

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How Adulthood Usually Works

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She Was Hit By a Meteorite

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The Decemberists Turn Crappy Youtube Comments into Beautiful Lyrics

Always Value Your Skills

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Ever Seen How Guitar Strings Actually Vibrate?

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Oh Oklahoma, You So Silly

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That Pretty Much Sums it Up

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(+44): If you don’t turn up on…

(+44): If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today.

Recording Of Your Voice

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(815): I’m so high. I’m…

(815): I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.

(765): A boy in some branch of the…

(765): A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase.

The Light Saber Of Your Father

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(330): It’s been two whole…

(330): It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.

(456): It’s days like today,…

(456): It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...

I Love This Kind Of Advertising

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Hallmark is Hitting the Frozen Theme Pretty Hard

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Can’t Wait to Meet Him!

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The Elements Song

Mark Twain Is Always Right

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(604): What’s clit gel and why…

(604): What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.

(325): I mean if you can’t…

(325): I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.

Pretty Accurate And Sad

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(308): The more I drank he just…

(308): The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad.

(624): That moment when a stripper…

(624): That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...

I Never Thought About This And I’m Afraid It Happened To Me

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Ready to Bomb Some Batter?

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( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

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(818): I spent three hours in the…

(818): I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit.

(330): There was nowhere else for…

(330): There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.

Basically My Life

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(715): Come share oat with me in…

(715): Come share oat with me in your robe.

(517): I had to bail out of the…

(517): I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life.

Panda, Like The Bear

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(919): Had the weirdest dream last…

(919): Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.

(317): He slapped my ass… He…

(317): He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.

Clever Glass Of Milk

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When You See It…

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Just Be Yourself

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Rowlf The Muppet Rocks ‘Just A Friend’ In Biz Markie Mashup

We got what you need on a Monday: Rowlf from "The Muppets" appears to perform Biz Markie's 1989 crossover hit "Just A Friend" in this great new video mashup.

The clip was posted on YouTube by isthishowyougoviral (a.k.a. Mylo the Cat). Last year, the same account gave the world the now-classic Muppets-Beastie Boys mashup of "So What’cha Want."

Finger Attack

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Clear Your Schedules For Saturday

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How Ron Tests Things

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New Herb and Jamaal for 01/26/2015

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New Dogs of C-Kennel for 01/26/2015

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New Andy Capp for 01/26/2015

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New The Other Coast for 01/26/2015

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New Heathcliff for 01/26/2015

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New B.C. for 01/26/2015

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New Momma for 01/26/2015

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New The Meaning of Lila for 01/26/2015

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New Wizard of Id for 01/26/2015

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New Agnes for 01/26/2015

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Updated: Mon Jan 26, 2015Ads by Yahoo!

They Have A Purpose

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The Weirdest People On Earth

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There’s A New Way To Challenge A Rival

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This Guy Did His Job Right

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The Truth About Getting Friendzoned

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How To Easily Offend A Girl

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Grandmas Did It First

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Perfectly Matched

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I’m Going To Do This After My Next Trip

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At Least He Got Something

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This Becomes More And More True The Older I Get

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Batman Knows It

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My Favorite Nope Gif

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These Were My Favorite

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Randy Is Such A Smooth Talker

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5 Perfect Quotes From HBO’s ‘Girls’ Season 4, Episode 3

Here at HuffPost Women, one of the things we love most about Lena Dunham's HBO show, "Girls," is the incisive, witty and hilarious dialogue that Dunham and the rest of her writing team come up with every week. So instead of simply recapping Season 4, we decided to pick five quotable gems from each episode.

Episode 3: "Female Author"

In true Hannah-fashion, Hannah is already bored of graduate school and her slow schedule of only one class a week. While Elijah is keeping her company with college parties and hugs, Hannah is still missing Adam. Adam, however, has his own stuff to figure out after he and Jessa get arrested because she urinates on the street in broad daylight. Ray, who has stepped up as the father-figure of the group, bails them out and reprimands them. The entire encounter reminds Adam that Jessa is a bad influence. Ray saves the day again when he talks some sense into Marnie and reminds her she shouldn't be anyone's mistress. After an encouraging meeting with a record label about Marnie and Desi's music, Marnie confronts him about their affair. While nothing is really solved between the two, Marnie seems relieved to finally stand up for herself. Hannah gives an impassioned speech to her entire writing class about being honest with one another. Sadly, her preaching came across more rude than honest and only turned her classmates against her even more.

jemima


1. Jessa on being caught between Adam and Hannah's long-distance relationship: "This whole thing is why I hate relationships between white people."

2. Elijah on the awesome party house him and Hannah attended: "This party sucks dick." - Hannah. "What are you talking about? The twins that live here have legal access to medicinal mushrooms and ecstasy. It's like… you're welcome." -Elijah

3. Marnie telling Desi how she really feels about their affair: “We're building a future together, a musical future together. So why the fuck do you still have a girlfriend who isn't me?"

4. Elijah on why he started taking so many pictures: "I just realized that I got so good at taking selfies that I wasn't feeling challenged anymore. Then I thought what would happen if I turned the camera around."

5. Hannah's classmates on Hannah's ridiculous and honest speech to the group: "I think we just found our own Lindsay Lohan.”

Need It For Awesome Purposes

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The Smell Of Winter

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Missing Her Vaccinations?

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You’re Not Useless

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They Can’t Solve The Riddle

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The Imperfect Person

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Not The Smartest Cat In The Neighborhood

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You Can’t Say That On TV Now

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Deer With It

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Not Good For Everyone

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Cat-Calling

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Never Brush Your Curly Hair

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An Amazing Decoration You Can Only See In Darkness

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They’re Going To Believe Everything

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Gordon Ramsay Has A Heart After All

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Well, It Had To Happen

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Senators Are Even Farther Distanced From The General Population

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The Internet Needs More Wiggle

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Love My Beets By Dre

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He Looks So Comfortable

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Losing Weight With Chris Pratt

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He’s Waiting For His Bingo Buddies

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This Generation’s Toys

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Voldemort’s Selfie

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Well Done, Grumpy

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Another Fruitful Thought From The Brain

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Marvel’s Next Project

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When I Fall In A Dream And Wake Up

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Green Friendly Bike

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My Face Every Time

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This Scanner is Amazing!

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How to Annoy People in Smash: Endless PK Arcfire

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It’s how the light gets in…

So, yesterday we got a dog.

Most people would end that sentence with an exclamation mark, but honestly I wasn’t looking for a dog. I’ve said “no” to hundreds my daughter has begged for (and even a few I wanted myself) because it hurts too much to lose one. When Barnaby Jones died  four years ago I said “never again“.

And then Hailey fell in love with this tiny dog. And then Victor fell in love with this tiny dog. And then I said, “No.  Get it away from me.”  But the puppy ignored me and curled up in my lap as Victor explained that this dog was practically medicinal, and is well-suited to being an emotional support dog, which he thinks  might help with my anxiety disorder.

So I said yes…and it was very sweet to watch her frolic with Hailey, but my heart is still broken from dogs so I kept my distance.  (Much like Hunter S. Thomcat, who was similarly reserving judgement, as you can see below.)

puppy

Then last night she whimpered as she was put in her crate, so I moved her next to my bed and put my hand on her until she was comforted enough to sleep. I told myself not to look, but at midnight I turned on my phone so I could use its glow to check on her.

She’d curled into a small, content ball and the odd markings on her side smooshed together to make a tiny perfect heart. Well, not perfect exactly, as a small line broke the heart in the middle.

heart3

Then, as I watched, she snuggled up tighter and the heart became whole. And she was mine. And vice-versa.

So now we need a name.  These are the contenders to far:

Dorothy Barker Louise L’Amour Lola Little Sheba Happy Valentine Rabbit Charlotte Penelope (pronounced PEE-nuh-lope) Rocket THE MONARCH Little Edie Bunny Dixi Gracie

PS. I just read that Marie Antoinette had a papillon and carried it all the way to the guillotine as a comfort to her.  Conclusion: I think Marie Antoinette invented the first emotional service dog, and look how well things worked out for her.

 ******************

And now, the weekly wrap-up of awesomeness:

sid

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.): If you’re looking for a good Valentine’s Card I suggest this.  Or this.  (All cards half off today if you enter the “cardsforlove” code at checkout.) Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-awesome: Kick-ass stuff I pinned. I joined Instagram although I’m still not sure why. Good company. You got this, Travis. Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome: Someone buy me this shirt.  And then make a movie based on it.

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by CAMP TxSC, a weekend retreat for lady bloggers and business owners with a focus on networking, renewing creativity, and eating a crop ton of s’mores.  Plus, I’m a keynote speaker which means these people have made the questionable decision to give me a microphone.  Register now and use code BLOGGESS for 25% off until Feb. 1.

Bill Nye Says Belichick’s ‘Deflategate’ Explanation Doesn’t Make Any Sense

Count Bill Nye among those who aren’t buying the scientific explanations Bill Belichick is cooking.

"The Science Guy" told "Good Morning America" on Sunday that the New England Patriots coach’s recent explanation for why the team’s footballs were under-inflated during the AFC Championship Game “didnt make any sense.”

“I’m not too worried about coach Belichick competing with me,” Nye said, referring to the Internet dubbing Belichick “the science guy” after the coach's complicated Saturday press conference. “What he said didn’t make any sense."

Belichick said during the press conference that after carefully studying the issue, he had concluded that his team acted in accordance with NFL guidelines.

Belichick blamed the deflation of the team’s footballs on factors including “atmospheric conditions” and the team’s process of rubbing footballs before the game to wear them in, per the preference of the team’s quarterbacks.

But Nye, for one, wasn’t buying the idea that a little rubbing can deflate the football in any significant way.

“Rubbing the football -- I don’t think you can change the pressure,” Nye said. “To really change the pressure, you need one of these, the inflation needle.”

pressureBill Nye told "Good Morning America" on Sunday that New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick’s “deflategate” explanation “didn’t make any sense.”


But there's one thing you should know about Nye: It appears he's a Seahawks fan. "I cannot help but say, 'Go Seahawks!''' he admitted to "GMA."

ESPN reported last week that the NFL had found 11 of the Patriot's 12 footballs were significantly under-inflated during the AFC Championship Game against the Indianapolis Colts. None of the footballs provided by the Colts were under-inflated.

H/T FTW

Netflix Captions Are Gold

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A Chapter Of My Autobiography

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‘Mortdecai’ Is One Of Johnny Depp’s Worst Flops Ever

It's only January and 2015 isn't looking good for Johnny Depp. His latest comedy, "Mortdecai," has been called possibly the worst movie of 2015, and now it's the actor's biggest flop in years.

The comedy, which cost $60 million to make, was expected to gross around $10 million this weekend, but has earned a mere $4.1 million since its release on Friday. (Clint Eastwood's "American Sniper" dominated the box office again, earning $64.4 million this weekend.) That makes the film Depp's worst wide release opening since 1999's "The Astronaut's Wife."

But that's not all. "Mortdecai," which currently has a 12-percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes, is also Depp's worst opening for a film debuting on more than 2,500 screens. To put that into perspective, "The Rum Diary," "Blow" and "The Ninth Gate" all opened on fewer screens than "Mortdecai" and still had higher debut frames.

Depp has gone from big box office attraction to major flop over the last several years. The actor's biggest opening weekend ever was with 2006's "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest," which earned $135.6 million. But it was after the fourth "Pirates" installment, "Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides," that things started going south for Depp. Here's a look at his box office decline since 2011:

depp openingsGraph via HuffPost

Dog’s Everyday Struggle

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Guy’s Chin Debuts As ‘Ed Sheerchin,’ Perfectly Performs ‘Thinking Out Loud’

World, meet the latest ginger-haired singing sensation: Ed Sheeran Sheerchin.

Redditor DevilDevine uploaded a hilarious video Saturday featuring his friend Shaun Solomon and his chin-with-a-face cheerfully lip-syncing to Ed Sheeran’s hit song “Thinking Out Loud.”

The performance is disconcertingly uncanny and entirely wonderful.

Watch it above.

Historic Money

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Don’t You Wish Dating Was Like GTA

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Video Games These Days…

The Colorful Light of Cygnus A

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Via NASA:

Celebrating astronomy in this International Year of Light, the detailed image reveals spectacular active galaxy Cygnus A in light across the electromagnetic spectrum. Incorporating X-ray data ( blue) from the orbiting Chandra Observatory, Cygnus A is seen to be a prodigious source of high energy x-rays. But it is actually more famous at the low energy end of the electromagnetic spectrum. One of the brightest celestial sources visible to radio telescopes, at 600 million light-years distant Cygnus A is the closest powerful radio galaxy. Radio emission ( red) extends to either side along the same axis for nearly 300,000 light-years powered by jets of relativistic particles emanating from the galaxy's central supermassive black hole. Hot spots likely mark the ends of the jets impacting surrounding cool, dense material. Confined to yellow hues, optical wavelength data of the galaxy from Hubble and the surrounding field in the Digital Sky Survey complete a remarkable multiwavelength view.

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Whatever, Just Show Me the Way to Sesame Street

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Finally They’re Doing The Right Thing

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Guy Performs Voice Impressions Of 100 Cartoon And Film Characters In One Rapid-Fire Take

To celebrate the milestone of reaching 100,000 subscribers on YouTube, voice artist Brian Hull recently treated his fans to a jaw-dropping feat. He performed impressions of 100 cartoon and film characters, as well as celebrities -- in just one take.

It took Hull 3 minutes and 42 seconds to imitate the voices of Minnie Mouse, Kermit the Frog, Winnie the Pooh, Napoleon Dynamite, Sean Connery and dozens of others.

We didn’t think Hull could top his viral performance last year of Idina Menzel’s “Let It Go” as 21 different Disney and Pixar characters.

It seems we were wrong about that.

Watch Hull’s 100 impressions marathon in the video above.

The True Domino Effect

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That Dreaded Question

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‘Saturday Night Live’ Reveals Who’s Really Behind Deflategate In Cold Open

Tom Brady and the New England Patriots' "deflategate" press conference on Thursday was pretty funny on its own, but the "Saturday Night Live" take on the football scandal was even more ridiculous.

The "SNL" cold open was a parody of an "Inside The NFL" segment, in which Patriots coach Bill Belichick quickly denied any knowledge of altered footballs from the AFC championship game before throwing quarterback Tom Brady "under the bus."

"I love him like a son, just more of an estranged son that I wouldn't trust around footballs," Belichick (played by Beck Bennett) told the reporters.

Brady (portrayed by Taran Killam) played dumb at the conference, saying that any knowledge about the footballs is "above his pay grade."

"Look, all I know is that a football is a pigskin, so I just assumed that the air in the football is how much air was inside the pig when it died," he said.

The sketch ultimately revealed the truth behind the alleged cheating scandal when Patriots "assistant equipment co-manager" Dougie Spoons took the stage. Watch the full clip above.

The Resemblance Is Very Creepy

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Are There Drugs in My Drinking Water?

The Regret Is Palpable

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That Feeling When You Can’t Twitter While Going #2

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A Pro CS:GO Player Was Banned Midstream for Cheating

Step Up Your Snow Game

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Office Humor

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Your Dog Is A Rebel

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Eye Contact During A Exam

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The Best Juice Bar I’ve Ever Seen

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Don’t Let Go of Me

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GIF me your hand.

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A Grrrrreat Yearbook Photo

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Some People Take FOREVER

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He Drives a Hard Bargain

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It Seems It’s Going To Be A Fine Day

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That’s Actually Super Clever

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‘Orange Is The New Black’ Beats ‘Modern Family’ At PGA Awards

Orange is most definitely the new black when it comes to awards praise.

The Netflix show may have been shut out by the undefeated "Modern Family" for Best Comedy at the Emmys last year -- which people weren't too pleased about -- but Jenji Kohan's series has finally triumphed.

At the Producers Guild Awards on Saturday night, "Orange Is the New Black" took home the 2015 PGA Award for Outstanding Producer of Episodic Television, Comedy. The women's prison comedy beat out "Modern Family," which has won for the past four years, as well as "The Big Bang Theory," "Louie" and "Veep."

"OITNB" also received acclaim when named one of the American Film Institute's top 10 television programs of the year last December. While "Modern Family" had been included on the AFI list from 2010 to 2013, the ABC comedy was left off last year.

The two series will go head-to-head again on Sunday night when they'll compete for the Screen Actors Guild Award for Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Comedy, which "Modern Family" has won for the past four years. Will the ladies of Litchfield upset the Dunphys and Pritchetts again?

The 21st annual SAG Awards air on Sunday at 8:00 p.m. ET on TBS and TNT.

Happy Birthday Turtle

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Oh Yeah, Spaghetti

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High Folks Are Easy to Please

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Living the Life

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The Three States of Matter, and Dinosaurs

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I Can’t Save Everyone While I’m Thirsty!

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Johnny Depp, Gwyneth Paltrow And Paul Bettany Play ‘Never Have I Ever’

Johnny Depp, Gwyneth Paltrow and Paul Bettany, all stars of the new big-screen comedy “Mortdecai,” played a round of the party game “Never Have I Ever” with Ellen DeGeneres -- and we certainly learned a (naughty) thing or two about the four celebrities.

The foursome played the game during an episode of "The Ellen DeGeneres Show" this week, gamely answering even the most prying of questions.

So, just who’s frolicked on a nude beach, had sex in an airplane or gotten inked with a tattoo they now regret? Watch the video above to see for yourself.

Respect To This Hero

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Sense Of Humor Is Essential

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The Bridge Looks Ghostly

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College Degrees Don’t Make You Tactful

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Never Trust a Biscuit

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We’re Tired of These Impossible Standards!

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Orchids Have The Coolest Shapes

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It Has Everything I Need

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He Probably Pays Better Child Support

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Yeah, They’re Gonna Make It

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Did Astronomers Find a New Planet?

Two Babies Enter!

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Take a Look Back at Some of the Best Commercials to Ever Air During the Big Game

That’s Exactly How It Feels

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Those Are The Best Parties

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Frozen Spider Web

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A Good Reason to Have a Drink

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A Guide for All the Thirsty Bros Out There

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The Tardigrade Cupid

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Not a Mug You Want Your Dad to Own

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My Daily Routine When I Have No School

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Science Can Explain It All

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She Has Her Priorities Sorted

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Brilliant Teacher Finds a Sneaky Way to Teach Kids How to Properly Use Condoms, Because in Mississippi That’s Illegal

Turn Any Chair Into a Play Kitchen!

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The Dark Farmer Rises

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So That’s Why Bikes Are The Most Sustainable Form of Transportation

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He Was Weirdly Popular With the Cheerleaders…

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(727): Just got a motivational…

(727): Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am.

The Perfect Argument For Pizza

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(765): I mean when you laced a…

(765): I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it.

(781): I feel better now, I have…

(781): I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again.

Just Another Dad Being A Dad

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(928): I wish everyone could suck…

(928): I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.

(636): Started crying to…

(636): Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!

The Most Romantic Way

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Astronomy With the Naked Eye

The Grapes of Wrath is Horrifyingly Accurate Nowadays

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We Go Forward – A Fantastic Animation From an Emotional Web Comic

(843): He really only has clothes,…

(843): He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.

Too Much Pressure

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(530): My diet has been 80%…

(530): My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.

(601): He? As in you personified…

(601): He? As in you personified your dick?

The World Has Some Marvelous Places

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(785): You sent me a naked picture…

(785): You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal.

(616): My ex’s new girlfriends…

(616): My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here.

Put The Seat Down

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That Looks Like Quite the Rave

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Nothing Kawaii About It

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(954): Go makeout with Mickey…

(954): Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets.

What Did I Just Watch?

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(641): They were out of soap so…

(641): They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch.
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