(907): My life just got so…

(907): My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned.

(330): I will give him this, every…

(330): I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.

(425): I was so drunk I got motion…

(425): I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.

(732): I just found a contact in…

(732): I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?

(785): I just had mom give me…

(785): I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play.

(860): He just looks like he’d…

(860): He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that.

Explain That, Carl Sagan

carl sagan cosmos forever alone galaxy single space universe We Are Dating - 5351349760

Submitted by: (via www.reddit.com)

Overly Attached Michelle Obama is Not a Fan of the Danish Prime Minister

barack obama politics overly attached girlfriend - 7949926656

Some people just aren't a fan of selfie-taking European Union ladies, it seems.

Submitted by: anthropocene

Great Photo Op Guys… Guys?… Guys!

family photo classic - 7446793216

Submitted by: Unknown

Tagged: family photo , classic

Colbert’s ‘Late Show’ Has Ominous Theory On What’ll Happen To The Mueller Report

Stephen Colbert's team reveals what could be the final resting place of the Russia investigation.

Andy Capp for Feb 22, 2019 for 02/22/2019

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Updated: Fri Feb 22, 2019

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Updated: Fri Feb 22, 2019

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Updated: Fri Feb 22, 2019

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Updated: Fri Feb 22, 2019

I Have No Idea What’s Going On

Caption that reads, "Everyone else: Actually understanding the class; Me: ..." above a pic of a cute fluffy dog looking confused

...And at this point, I'm too afraid to ask.

Submitted by: (via cottoncandies)

Colbert Hits Trump For Attacking ‘SNL,’ Ignoring Alleged White Nationalist Terror Plot

The "Late Show" host slams the president for condemning "Saturday Night Live" but not the alleged terrorist in the Coast Guard.

In Your FACE

Caption that reads, "When you and your friend argue and Google confirms your dominant intellect" above a pic of an ancient Greek statue holding up another guy's head

Suck it friendo.

Submitted by: (via cottoncandies)

48 Funny Memes And Tweets To Soothe The Soul

Scottish twitter twitter random memes funny memes funny tweets music memes post malone the office relatable animals - 7793157

We've got your memes and tweets here, fresh off the press! Memes to make you laugh and make you feel heard, because what's better than really feeling like someone else just gets you? It's a pretty damn comforting feeling. That's really what we're here for, because we care about you!

Submitted by:

Burned By Dad

Text conversation where kid asks dad if they were adopted, dad replies, "No, why the f*ck would I pick you?"

Why do dads always have the best jokes and the best roasts on their kids?

Submitted by: (via cottoncandies)

15 Times The Elderly Couldn’t Quite Grasp The Internets

adorable wtf the internets clueless facebook generational gap Yahoo Answer Fails old people social media old people facebook elderly FAIL - 7786501

Old people really are true gems on the internet with their adorably innocent presence on Facebook and other social media sites. We can't really blame them for their ignorance - after all, they grew up in a completely different era long before the internet ever existed. But we certainly appreciate their technological illiteracy at times for its comedic effect!

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Game Changers: Indiegogo Campaign For A Hand Pump For Peanut Butter Jars

Say goodbye to your knives *throws knife into roommate's leg* because this is the Indiegogo campaign for the $25 Peanut Butter Pump, the brainchild of inventor Andrew Scherer. The pump attaches to any standard 40-ounce jar of smooth or crunchy peanut butter (not malt liquor or penises), and can be hand-pumped to dispense the jar's contents, all the while creating enough suction to perfectly clean the sides of the jar as its used. Impressive! It also comes with two nozzles: a flat ribbon nozzle for covering max bread real estate when you're making a sandwich, and a stream-style nozzle for making smaller snacks like ants-on-a-log. Now as I'm sure anybody who knows me intimately is aware (along with a bunch of strangers on the internet now), peanut butter is my go-to midnight snack. "It's true, he gets up like four times throughout the night and always comes back to bed smelling like peanut butter." And? "And chocolate milk." That's correct. Sometimes I'll eat a Greek yogurt or blast some spray-cheese straight down my gullet, but usually it's just peanut butter and chocolate milk. What can I say -- I'm a creature of habit. "He's a peanut butter monster." Honey I'm pretty sure these folks don't want to hear us have the monsters are creatures too argument again. Keep going for an infomercial style video.

Anti-LGBT Emoji Hoax Has Spawned A Ton Of Dank Memes

Memes from the anti-pride emoji, anti-pride flag emoji, lgbt.

The internet bore witness to some serious emoji controversy this week over an emoji that doesn't actually exist. Twitter user @mioog tweeted a crossed out pride flag, later claiming that he had found it in Apple's code. The tweet inspired more tweets, some claiming it was an Apple creation, and others making jokes that were pro-LGBT. As can be expected, there were also many, many memes. It was soon revealed on Reddit that the emoji is actually a combination of unicode characters, and not, in fact, a sinister homophobic emoji of Apple's creation. This comes as a relief, and allows us to enjoy some of the dumb memes that have come out of this internet debacle.

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Oh, You Know, Just A Pregnant Red Crab Casually Eating Some Babies

This is a video of a pregnant Christmas Island red crab casually popping some young offspring in her mouth like they're candy. That's some pretty hardcore snacking. Some more info while I make a mental note to do everything in my power to never be reborn as a red crab:
Every year, 50 million Christmas Island red crabs migrate from their jungle homes out to the coast to spawn their eggs into the sea in a spectacular event, timed with the tides and a special phase of the moon. The baby crabs drift around out at sea for the first month of their life and if they are lucky, the currents bring them back to Christmas Island. If some spawning crabs decide to migrate a month late, aiming for the same tide a month later, occasionally you'll have this remarkable situation of pregnant female crabs coming down to the coast to spawn at the same time as last months baby crabs are coming back out of the water in a living red carpet heading into the jungle. Amazingly, filming this crab on her way down to spawn, she was stopping along the way to feast on the tiny returning crabs
Man -- it's a cold, hard world out there. One minute you're being born, and a month later somebody else's mom is eating you and your siblings like a bag of Skittles. Mother Nature: she's a cruel mistress. She might be an even crueler wife though -- just ask Father Time. "She tied my balls to the hour hand of the town clock at 6PM." Wait, what?! "Help it's almost 11." I'll call the fire department, I'm not touching those old prunes. Keep going for the whole video while I contemplate if the circle of life is really just an arc.

So Inspirational

Caption that reads, "Some garbage is okay" above a still of a guy in a dinosaur suit with text that reads, "Some garbage is okay"

The first step in the road to self-acceptance.

Submitted by: (via SaladBalladFun)

1980’s Edition Trivial Pursuit With A Stranger Things Theme

80s-stranger-things-trivial-pursuit.jpg This is the $20 Back to The 80's Edition of Trivial Pursuit, with a Stranger Things theme (shipping May 1st). There are 1,500 new questions on 250 cards in six categories: Movies; TV; Music; Famous People and Events; Trends, Tech and Fun; and Stranger Things. Plus the board has portal spaces that if landed on send all players to the Upside Down (the board flips up to represent the Upside Down, seen on the left side of the photo, regular playfield on the right), where you can lose wedges for incorrect answers. Fun! Man, I can still remember the first time my dad ate a Trivial Pursuit card. I think the question was dated so the answer actually was incorrect. Or, who knows, maybe he just wasn't getting enough fiber in his diet and had a craving. *shrug* I've eaten the bark right off of trees before. Thanks again to Closet Nerd, who knows what I like, and I like alienating friends after a particularly heated game night (piss off Greg, Michael, Audrey, and Dave).

28 Cursed Images That Are Just Plain Wrong

Funny cursed images, animals, creepy, photoshops.

From terrifying photoshops to ill-advised marketing campaigns, here's a big batch of pics that will either give you the heebie jeebies or make you wonder WTF you're looking at.

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Man Autotunes His Very Talkative Bengal Cat

autotuned-cat.jpg This is a video of Joaquin Baldwin's Bengal cat Elton meowing after getting the autotune treatment. Why? That's the question that will haunt me for countless nights, and undoubtedly make its way to my Tuesday afternoon counseling sessions, where I'm fairly certain my therapist just listens to podcasts with his AirPods in and nods at me.
Autotuned the cat because he won't shut up in the mornings. I don't know how this helps but I did it anyway. Yes, he's a Bengal, his name is Elton. I used an app called Voloco for iOS to make the autotune sounds. And no, he's not thirsty, he just happened to be by the faucet in part of the video because I was brushing my teeth. This is his "love me now" voice, he comes to bed in the morning to knead and purr and loudly meow to get some scritches.
At least he's meowing and not clawing. I used to have a cat that would wake me up in the morning by reaching up under the covers from the side of the bed and clawing whatever flesh he could stick his little needles into. Usually my feet. Plus if I tried closing the bedroom door he would just scratch at it or throw all his weight against it over and over. For as long as I knew him I don't think I ever slept in on a single weekend. I still miss him though. "Well that took a sad turn." The Rainbow Bridge is real, I know because I've seen it (my heart stopped during surgery once and God thought I was a pug). Keep going for the video.

‘Happiness Noise’ Is Our New Favorite Wholesome Doggo Meme

Happiness noise meme, cute, husky, dogs, doggos.

There are very few doggo memes out there that aren't wholesome, and this one is no different. The format features a blurry still of a husky from this viral video, paired with descriptive noise text. The meme is being used to describe some very relatable situations that make us happy - as well as some meta Reddit memes that can be found here. We're more interested in warm and fuzzy than Reddit in-jokes, so we've put together the memes that had us making happiness noises ourselves.

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Explosives Expert Rates Movie Explosions For Plausibility, Scientific Accuracy

explosive-expert-vs-movie-explosions.jpg This is a longer form video (14 minutes, or about 42 times the average attention span) of Columbia University explosives engineer Rodger Cornell rating ten movie explosions for plausibility and scientific accuracy. Movies include Indiana Jones (the new one), Transformers, Django Unchained, X-Men, The Dark Knight, Desperado, and more. So how do they stack up? You'll just have to watch and find out. "You didn't watch it, did you?" Hey, I love explosions as much as the next guy with a bedside table full of fireworks, but my attention span is even below average. "And your intelligence?" Also below average. "Penis?" Off the charts above average. If my penis was graded on a curve, kids graduating college 100 years from now would receive straight A's. "That's not how grading on a curve works." Did I mention it can also bend the very fabric of space-time? Keep going for the video.

Get It Right People!

'Is this a pigeon' meme where the butterfly represents "Correlation" and the bottom text reads, "Is this a causation"

This mistake gets made way. too. often.

Submitted by: (via SaladBalladFun)

People Share The Most ‘On Brand’ Things They Did As A Kid

I guess people really don’t change!

Patterns emerge from a young age and a lot of the time it’s easy to see who someone is going to become based on what they do as a kid. For instance, I goofed off in class and never stopped talking and now I work in comedy, and any kid who drinks Monster Energy and yells at his mom while playing Xbox is probably gonna grow up to still suck just as much.

So based on that, one twitter user asked the question,

In other words, what’s the most YOU thing you did as a kid that wouldn’t come as a shock to anyone who knows adult you? And the responses people had were great.







Schmidt Gifs to Help Get You Through the Rest of the Week

Everybody needs a little bit of Schmidt

It’s Thursday folks, which means the week is almost over and even though we all had Monday off, doesn’t somehow seem like this week was thirty years long? How does that happen? Where did that work-free day even go? So to help you power you through the next 48 hours, who has more chaotic workaholic energy than Schmidt from New Girl.

To pump you up before that first cup of coffee

Even if maybe you’re not a fan of coffee

Hopefully your job doesn’t entail actually sticking your head into an open casket repeatedly but sometimes it can feel like it

UGH did the interns forget to take change the printer toner AGAIN?

And maybe you didn’t rehearse your Thursday presentation as well as you thought

But so what? You crushed it anyway

And now you have to act shocked to hear that word around the water cooler is Karen’s not up for that promotion anymore

You don’t have to act too humble though, come on - it’s almost the end of the week and you’re killing it. You can gloat a little

And before you know it, the work week’s over!

You know what that means.

It’s time to hunker down in your kimono and binge New Girl on Netflix alllllll weekend loooooong.

Post Releasing Limited Edition Chicken & Waffles And Maple Bacon Donut Cereals

chicken-and-waffles-bacon-donut-cereals.jpg Because humanity is determined to reach its full potential or die from complications from diabetes trying, these are the limited edition Chicken & Waffles and Maple Bacon Donut breakfast cereals developed by Post and available at Walmart beginning March 7th (appropriately, National Cereal Day). Some more info while I swear to myself I'm going to start taking better care of myself and eating right (after Easter):
the Chicken and Waffles cereal will feature mini chicken drumsticks and tiny waffle shapes, while the Maple Bacon Donuts flavor will feature doughnut-shaped cereal sprinkled with individual "bacon" bits. Boxes will sell for $2.98 each, and once they're gone, they're gone for good.
So, what do you think? "I'd try them." Then it's a date -- Saturday morning cartoons at your place! "I never said that." I'll bring sleeping bags so we can stretch out on the living room floor. Is there anything else should I bring? "The wrong address." Your words hurt me. Thanks to Closet Nerd, who plans on stockpiling both cereals in the likely event of an upcoming apocalypse. Just don't forget the powdered milk.

Thirst Trap Abe Lincoln Statue Is Driving Twitter Absolutely Wild

Funny tweets about shirtless abe lincoln statues.

Los Angeles is pretty much known for being a shallow place, but this Abraham Lincoln statues takes this to the next level. Twitter user @MuseZack kindly reminded the internet that the City of Angels had commissioned a shirtless, thirst trap of an Honest Abe Statue in 1940. The saucy statue has been receiving a lot of attention ever since. Some fans started penning punny tweets, while others dug deep into the archives to find more of the beautiful statue's history. We're most interested in the statue's fanfiction, but we'll let you be the judge of which gold is the shiniest.

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Damn Rich People: $1,860 Mammoth Tusk Chopsticks

mammoth-tusk-chopsticks.jpg Seen here looking remarkably like a regular pair of chopsticks, these are the $1,860 Siberian mammoth tusk chopsticks available from Georg Jensen. They're made with authentic mammoth tusk and cost approximately 1,860 times what I'm willing to pay for a decent pair of reusable chopsticks. Now I'm not sure where the mammoth tusk was unearthed, but I would hate to be a part of any sort of illegal smuggling operation. I mean except-- "Butt smuggling." That I do for fun, even if it's just candy and soda into the movies. Thanks to v, who agrees nobody needs $1,860 chopsticks. You should at least spend $2,000.

14 Fresh ‘N’ Dank Elon Musk Memes In Honor Of The World’s Most Meme-able Billionaire

funny memes the boring company elon musk tesla billionaire mosque twitter elon musk tweets cringe funny tweets - 7784965

Behold, it's our favorite meme-loving cringey billionaire! Aside from his constant meme-ability, Elon Musk has made headlines recently for tweeting on Monday that he had recorded a highly anticipated episode of Meme Review with Pewdiepie, one of YouTube's biggest creators. So of course, we had to take this opportunity to round up a new batch of memes featuring ol' Musky himself.

Submitted by:

Madelaine Petsch

dailyhaha funny picturesPicdump : Click to see all pictures.

It Has To Be Here Somewhere

Funny meme about looking for a presentation that doesn't exist.

I'm sure I uploaded it to the server.

Submitted by: (via ty4freedoge)

Boating Through A Massive Fever Of Rays In A See-Through Canoe

This is a video released by See Through Canoe of a watersporter canoeing through a massive fever of cownose rays in St. Petersburg, Florida. So *cracking knuckles* are these the ones that took out our man Steve Irwin? "No, that was a short-tail stingray." Whew, because a million to one aren't very good odds and I really didn't feel like fighting to the death today. Keep going for the whole video.

Ron Burgundy Wants To Talk Christmas All Year Long in The Ron Burgundy Podcast Episode 3

A truly evergreen topic

Sure, we might be a few months deep into the new year, with the holiday season firmly in our rear view. Does that mean Christmas is a completely off-limits subject? Not if you’re Ron Burgundy. In fact, if it were up to him, Christmas would be discussed all year round!

Ron and producer Carolina reminisce about their most cherished holiday memories: favorite gifts, favorite seasonal commercials, and of course favorite songs, including a few Ron Burgundy originals that are sure to become future classics.

They also go head-to-head over “Die Hard” and its categorization as a Christmas movie. Admittedly, it’s less of of a debate, and more just Ron repeating the film’s most notable catch phrase over and over, but you get the idea.

They’re ultimately joined in the studio by Andrew, a self-proclaimed “Christmas expert,” who helps to keep the spirit of Christmas alive with both Ron and Carolina.

So if you’re looking for ways to keep the spirit of Christmas alive all year long in your heart, start with your ears and give the latest episode a listen right now.


New episodes of “The Ron Burgundy Podcast” drop every Thursday. Check out all the available episodes “The Ron Burgundy Podcast” on iHeartRadio now.

39 Chuckle-Worthy Memes That Won’t Let You Down

random memes funny memes pointless memes twitter funny tweets dogs animals tumblr joe rogan Cats - 7784197

If you're looking for a little comedic relief, then you've come to the right place. These memes combine a little bit of everything - witty tweets, animals and...Ozzy Osbourne. Yep, that's right, the Prince of  Darkness himself. If it's comedy you're looking for, we've definitely got something for your bored brain.

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A Bot Reviews ‘A Star Is Born’

This robot has a lot of strong opinions on A Star Is Born

Hello I am a robot and I recently viewed the 2018 feature film, ‘A Star Is Born.” Here is my review:

A star is born is a movie starring Lady Gagá and Bardley Cooper. Lady Gaggle plays Allie, a waitress who has a really good voice unlike me. Everytime i sing i sound like Fred Flinstone when he says “Yaba Dababada Doo.” The movie begins with Allie doing a poop in the bathroom.

We then meet Jack, played by Bradle Cooper. He is a very famous country singer who is rugged and fine A F and looks like a damn snack, but has problems with pills and booze and suffers from Tinnitus which is a shitty disease that makes you kind of deaf.

You can view the video form of my full review in the video above. I spent a long time on it and I hope you enjoy it.


CREDITS

Writer: Tamara Yajia
Writer: Ben Rosen
Producer: Darren Miller
Editor: Chris Greybill

(973): i thought the time we went…

(973): i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?

(504): You walked into the frat…

(504): You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything.

Admit It, We All Do This

Fake headline that reads, "'I'll have to check that show out!' says woman who has already forgotten the title" above a pic of a curly-haired young woman

Yeah I was never gonna check them out, sorry...

Submitted by: (via SaladBalladFun)

(805): i’m not sure you can…

(805): i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts.

Finally (We Guess?): A Sex Doll You Can Eat

Spice up your love life with a variety of flavorful options for the bedroom.

It’s here, and it’s gross. If you’re looking to try something new, then Dr. Richard Ticklish has just the thing: an erotic addition for your boom-boom time for the discerning man with lots of taste(buds).


FIELD NOTES FROM THE FUNNY OR DIE STAFF

Spicing things up in the bedroom is hard. You could engage in a vulnerable conversation about your turn-ons and fantasies with your partner, and listen with an open mind to what boundaries they’d like to test as well. Then, whether your’s or your partner’s taste ranges from the delightful to the dirty, or from the salty to the sweet, agree on a way to take steps in those directions while still feeling safe.

Or you could skip all that crap. And just get this edible sex toy. I mean one of flavors is Chicken Skin. What is more romantic than chicken skin?

This tasteful treat comes via Bad Duck Media.


CREDITS:

Directed by Sam Haft
Written by Sam Haft, Tommy Kang, David Wall
Starring Sam Haft, Tommy Kang, Rosa Escandon
Produced by Sam Haft, Tommy Kang, David Wall


Check out more from the Funny Or Die community here and if you have something you think is worth featuring, make sure to submit it for review by the Funny Or Die team here.

Genius

Funny pic about veterinarians, funny, death, animals, taxidermy.

Be more like Dr. Enderlin.

Submitted by: (via catchymemes)

(615): Why are you hurting?…

(615): Why are you hurting?
(630): Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.

(325): Every time I see this chick…

(325): Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?

Full of win gifdump

dailyhaha funny picturesPicdump : Click to see all pictures.

Hott

Funny meme about working at a restaurant and server dating the dishwasher.

Huge income discrepancy in this relationship.

Submitted by: (via @memebase)

Seth Meyers Chews Out ‘Desperate’ Donald Trump Over Cow Lies: ‘Fake Moos’

The "Late Night" host explained why Trump's take on the Green New Deal is wrong.

(616): There are only a few things…

(616): There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.

(860): I’m a history major and…

(860): I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?

(626): It was beautiful and filled…

(626): It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
(1-626): I asked how you were doing?

(614): I just found out through a…

(614): I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.

(317): We could just go to Vegas…

(317): We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.

Drunkies 45

dailyhaha funny picturesPicdump : Click to see all pictures.

So That’s Where It’s Been Hiding

explorers g spot hiding poland so-thats-where-it-is - 6260434688

Submitted by: Unknown

You Don’t Believe in the Sex Gods? YOU HEATHEN

atheist dating fails forever alone never getting laid sexual atheist - 6286507520

Submitted by: (via Science, Love, and LSD)

(724): I cant tell you how much…

(724): I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing.

(224): I feel like my entire body…

(224): I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
(847): You're a god amongst men today.

5 New Ways Businesses Are Screwing Their Customers

By Ian Fortey  Published: February 21st, 2019 

5 Reasons You Should Totally Hate Unboxing Videos

By Mark Hill  Published: February 21st, 2019 

Andy Capp for Feb 21, 2019 for 02/21/2019

Andy Capp for Feb 21, 2019

Updated: Thu Feb 21, 2019

Heathcliff for Feb 21, 2019 for 02/21/2019

Heathcliff for Feb 21, 2019

Updated: Thu Feb 21, 2019

Momma for Feb 21, 2019 for 02/21/2019

Momma for Feb 21, 2019

Updated: Thu Feb 21, 2019

Dogs of C-Kennel for Feb 21, 2019 for 02/21/2019

Dogs of C-Kennel for Feb 21, 2019

Updated: Thu Feb 21, 2019

Herb and Jamaal for Feb 21, 2019 for 02/21/2019

Herb and Jamaal for Feb 21, 2019

Updated: Thu Feb 21, 2019

Wizard of Id for Feb 21, 2019 for 02/21/2019

Wizard of Id for Feb 21, 2019

Updated: Thu Feb 21, 2019

B.C. for Feb 21, 2019 for 02/21/2019

B.C. for Feb 21, 2019

Updated: Thu Feb 21, 2019

Pretty OK With This Future

Funny meme about netflix, murder shows and baking shows.

Why doesn't Netflix find a way to combine cakes and murder?

Submitted by: (via memebase)

Colbert Already Has The ‘Book Report Version’ Of Mueller’s Trump Investigation

The "Late Show" host has a preview of the special counsel's report.

Hell Yeah

Funny meme, pun meme, killer whales, killer whale, orca, tanks.

Submitted by: (via memebase)

33 Time-Wasting Memes For Procrastination Mode

Funny memes, procrastination, tweets, tumblr, harry potter, anti-vaxxers, vaccinations, medicine.

We've officially made it through hump day. May this assortment of shitposts, tweets, and relatively stupid memes help you get through the rest of the week.

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Just One Reason Middle School Is The Worst

Funny memea bout 8th grade boys using axe body spray instead of showering.

They should make this crap illegal.

Submitted by: (via @memebase)

26 Sassy Insults & Comebacks That Deserve Our Respect

Funny insults and comebacks, creative

It's important for people to strive for creativity in their professional lives and their outside interests. We also firmly believe that it's important to strive for creativity when putting people in their damn place. If you're trying to really get someone good, profanity ain't gonna cut it. You really gotta reach into your vocabulary, get colorful, and use some serious f*cked up imagery. If you're not sure what we mean, just take a gander at these hilarious and savage pics of masters in action.

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Genius Girl Scout Sells Cookies Featuring Shirtless Jason Momoa

This is really the only way anyone could make Girl Scout cookies better

There are five seasons: winter, spring, summer, fall, and Girl Scout cookies.

The Girl Scouts have been an institution in the world of yummy snack foods since 1917. That’s right folks, they’ve been selling cookies since before World War II. Through the Great Depression and fad diets, Girl Scouts cookies have beaten all sorts of odds.

They’ve capitalized on societal changes with ingenious sales tactics like setting up shop outside of weed dispensaries, but that seems a little obvious. If stoners won’t buy cookies then who will. One demographic which is tougher to crack, however, is the suburban mom. Whether it’s because they’re trying to get the family to eat better or their own kids are Girl Scouts and they’re just so sick of looking at the cookies, moms can be a tough market.

What are most moms sure to love though? Hot men.

Specifically, the current king of hot men, Jason Momoa.

So with this thought in mind, brilliant fifth-grader-turned-mom-whisperer Charlotte Holmberg of Colorado printed and cut out shirtless pictures of Jason Momoa and turned her boxes of cookies from samoas into Momoas. (get it?)

Because truthfully, meh, cookies are optional, but TOPLESS JASON MOMOA IS EXTREMELY, EXTREMELY NECESSARY.

This Trending Loki Meme Is Being Used To Portray Total Obliviousness

loki Thor funny memes thor ragnarok ive never met this man in my life infinity war superheroes avengers history memes Pokémon Team Rocket ignorance - 7783173

We'll never get tired of Avengers memes, and we hope you feel the same way. This trending meme references a scene in Thor: Ragnarok where Loki lies that he's never met his brother Thor in his life. The meme makes fun of the ridiculous plot-hole ignorance of TV characters and more.

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Marie Kondo Isn’t F*cking Around Anymore

Caption that reads, "Either there's a Netflix glitch or Marie Kondo's methods have escalated" above a pic of "Netflix Original" "Tidying Up with Marie Kondo" over a pic a female sniper running in the desert

 She's taking more extreme measures.

Submitted by: (via professorpickles)

Falcon sex hats

Red Scharlach tweeted this out yesterday: …and then about a billion people forwarded it to me and were like, “THIS MADE ME THINK OF YOU” and that’s concerning because other people get “I saw the sunrise and thought of you” … Continue reading

14 Perfectly Cringey Fantasy Parodies From The Depths Of Twitter

Funny fantasy parody tweets from Awful Fantasy.

Hey nerds! Have you been sleeping on the incredible Twitter account @AwfulFantasy? It's as if The Onion started writing 280 character articles about science fiction and fantasy. As one can imagine, the passages range from devilishly clever to laugh-out-loud hilarious. We've put some of our favorites together here, but for more of their five years of content, go ahead and peruse their Twitter.

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Citizens Respond to the Very Real and Serious National Emergency

Make sure you stock up on your supplies!!!

ALERT. ALERT.

In case you somehow haven’t heard, we are in a NATIONAL STATE OF EMERGENCY. Time to panic everybody. What’s the emergency, you ask? Oh. It’s BAD.

Trump CAN’T FUND HIS BORDER WALL.

gasp

Just to refresh everyone’s minds, the actual definition of a state of emergency is “a situation in which a government is empowered to perform actions that it would normally not be permitted. A government can declare such state during a disaster, civil unrest, or armed conflict.” In other words, not being able to fund a border wall is not a valid reason to declare a state of emergency, but that hasn’t stopped Trump, because why would it? When has actual logic and protocol stopped him from doing anything he wants?

So, in response, people have taken to twitter over the last few days to keep the world updated as to how we’re all surviving this national crisis.




















38 Enlightening History Memes That’ll Pump Your Brain Full Of Sweet Knowledge

history memes history soviet union allies funny memes Historical world war II world war i ancient history dave chappelle twentieth century eric andre - 7778309

Instead of sitting through a boring high school history class, why not browse through these educational memes? Who's ever really learned anything by reading boring-ass textbooks, anyway? That being said, we do recommend that you pay attention in your history class so that we can't be held accountable if you fail your tests...

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Wow, Time To Feel Old

Tweet that reads, "In like 15 years, somewhere in a crowded, fashion-savvy nightclub, a DJ is gonna drop Baby Shark and the place is gonna EXPLODE"

Baby shark do do do do do

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Why You Shouldn’t Date Someone Who Doesn’t Have Netflix

If you find yourself on a date with someone who doesn’t have Netflix, congratulations on finding A HUGE RED FLAG.

Jessie Jolles gets real about how to Netflix and chill with a date who doesn’t have an account. Spoiler alert: they’re psychos, get out of there now.


FIELD NOTES FROM THE FUNNY OR DIE STAFF

Modern dating is hard. Fortunately, Jessie Jolles has a few tips to help you find that special someone as part of her series It’s A Date! with Just For Laughs. In this episode, Jessie points out that you’d have to be an insane person not to have Netflix in 2019. It’s core to everything about unwinding and relaxing in our modern age. Sure, we may be watching documentaries about murderous psychopaths to unwind, BUT! If you aren’t spending your leisure time learning about the gruesome murders perpetrated by certified psychos on Netflix then obviously you are a certified psycho. It’s science, bitch.


CREDITS

Written & Created by Jessie Jolles, Pat Stango, & Clayton Gumbert
Starring Jessie Jolles
Directed by Danny Jolles


Check out more from the Funny Or Die community here and if you have something you think is worth featuring, make sure to submit it for review by the Funny Or Die team here.

Girls just wanna have Fun gifdump 3

dailyhaha funny picturesPicdump : Click to see all pictures.

16 Orderly Marie Kondo Memes That Will Remind You To Yeet What Doesn’t Spark Joy

cleaning twitter drakeposting marie kondo star wars konmari Drake spark joy redecorating funny memes askreddit trending memes mess home does it spark joy yeet depressing depression mental health tidying up with marie kondo netflix - 7777029

The internet is pretty dang obsessed with Marie Kondo right now, so we're here for any trending memes that honor the creator of the KonMari Method. This newest trending meme has been compared to classic Drakeposting - used to represent the things that "spark joy," and the things that don't. It's, of course, resulted in some serious responses, and in classic internet fashion, some snarky ones that we can all relate to. Enjoy!

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Yoyo Ninja Demonstrates His Skills

This is a video of 2A Yoyo World Champion Shu Takada demonstrating his yoyo skills, along with a bunch of acrobatics for BONUS STYLE POINTS. And you know how I feel about bonus style points. "You like them a lot." Exactly, they're right up there with breakfast in bed. AND dinner in bed (pass the butter and gravy). Keep going for the video while I try not to strangle myself with my Duncan.

30 Expert Tinder Bios From Amateur Comedians

funny tinder bios

Swiping through Tinder can often be a supremely thankless and tedious activity. Everyone's looking for their "partner in crime," and everyone likes pizza and craft beer. Every now and then, however, a bio comes along that speaks volumes. A bio that showcases humor and intellect. If you're lucky the photos will be stimulating, too. This is a collection of the bios we like - may we all stumble upon them in our hunt for love.

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#OldPeopleProblems

Tweet that reads, "I called the cops on my own party last night because I was ready to go to bed"

It's rough being over the age of 25.

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Classic: The Ol’ Kick A Beer Bottle Open Trick

bottle-kick-trick.jpg Note: Hey guys, I've been dealing with a sickness and need to go to the doctor today even though I hate going to the doctor because he always tries experimenting on me to secretly make me worse but I'm gonna do what I can but I'll be back tomorrow for sure and maybe make it up to you with some weekend writing provided I'm still alive and the pharmacy at the grocery store accepts my Blockbuster card for insurance. This is a short video of an Australian man casually kicking a Corona bottle open, using the cap of another beer for leverage. Impressive, but what about the other bottle? How are you gonna open that one to drink? Beers don't come in pairs for no reason, you know. Keep going for the video while I wish I could be half as excited as the guy filming about anything in life.

(503): Man, I miss taking bong…

(503): Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.

37 Silly Pics That’ll Distract You From All The Bad Stuff

Funny random memes.

Alright, people! We're back with another boredom-busting, laugh-inducing batch of dumb pics. Because we all need a little break once in a while.

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Quentin Tarantino Joins Wes Anderson for ‘Isle of Reservoir Dogs’

“Are you gonna bark all day, little doggie, or are you gonna bite?”

Quentin Tarantino (Reservoir Dogs) and Wes Anderson (Isle of Dogs) link up for the kind of heist movie that we really want to see right now: a stop-motion crime drama remix that combines Tarantino’s Reservoir Dogs and Anderson’s Isle of Dogs into The Isle of Reservoir Dogs.

Six dogs with pseudonyms, and each forced to overcome their instinct of stranger danger on an island trash heap, try to carry out the perfect robbery of maggot-filled garbage food. The heist is ambushed by animal control and the inadvertent appearance of a young boy. The gang of pooches are forced to claw their way out, and at their dump of a rendezvous, the canines discover their crew might have the last thing they’d expect: a rat.


FIELD NOTES FROM THE FUNNY OR DIE STAFF

Quentin Tarantino might be obsessed (in a good way) with Samuel L. Jackson, into feet, and a little too-prone to say the n-word, but the guy can write dialogue that sizzles like Harvey Weinstein on the witness stand.

And Wes Anderson might dress like a college professor dating Anna Wintour, be long overdue for an Oscar, and be the king of magical pop music moments, but the man is ALSO the king of what the Smithsonian has labeled “fastidious whimsy” — and this mash-up is a glorious combination of these two directors’ styles that I would pay cold, hard bitcoin to see.


CREDITS

(856): the twins are trying to…

(856): the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture.

(610): You were so drunk last…

(610): You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!

(508): I don’t remember anything…

(508): I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.

Who Do They Think They Are

Caption that reads, "No one: ...; Fish at the grocery store: ..." above a pic of a guy with a deadpan expression lying in a bathtub full of ice

Damn fish lookin' so creepy in the grocery store.

(863): ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR…

(863): ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.

Hell Yeah

Caption that reads, "Him: Will I be able to play guitar when this is healed? Doctor: Yes, of course! Him: LMAO sick! I couldn't play before I broke my arm" above a stock photo of a nurse bandaging up a guy's broken arm

I'm gonna get so many chicks now.

6 Crazy Facts You Didn’t Know About Famous Historical Events

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FDA: Stealing Young People’s Blood Won’t Make You Immortal

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5 Classic Romantic Comedies That Teach Questionable Lessons

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5 True Crime Stories That Had Unbelievable Plot Twists

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Urban Outfitters is Selling Video Tapes, Thinks You’re Dumb

By JM McNab  Published: February 19th, 2019 

Lyndon LaRouche Was A Maniac Who Gave Us Modern Politics

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Have the talk.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned this year it’s the importance of having the talk with your kid.  Not the sex talk, although that one is important too. The talk that says things will be hard but that you will … Continue reading

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Try To Read Meghan Trainor’s Press Release And Not Cringe

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