New Dogs of C-Kennel for 09/05/2015

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New Andy Capp for 09/05/2015

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New The Other Coast for 09/05/2015

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New The Meaning of Lila for 09/05/2015

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New Heathcliff for 09/05/2015

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New B.C. for 09/05/2015

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New Momma for 09/05/2015

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New Agnes for 09/05/2015

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New Wizard of Id for 09/05/2015

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Mother Lion Saves Her Cub

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It Should Be Standard

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And People Say Animals Are Dumb

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I Need To Know

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Just Jammin’ To Some Tunes

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Plugging The Charger

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Mr. Eastwood Tells It Like It Is

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I Keep Hearing She’s Gorgeous

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Here’s How To Write Good

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The Malicious Mouse

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Spinning Umbrella Of Death

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‘I Vant Nein Lives’

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I Will Not Conform

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His Name Is Chewbarka

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Yep, That’s About Right

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Think Inside The Box

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Good Breakup Advice

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Probably The Cutest Burrito Ever

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Important Bar Notice

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Playing Ball With The Daughter

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Brilliant Power Outlet Design

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I Was Convinced About This

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The Character Of A Man

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Just Chilling. Definitely Not Stuck. Act Casual.

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If Only I Had 3D Glasses To See What It Would Look Like

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This Clever Bottle Design Is Impeccable

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Talented Stock Boy

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Such An Uncomfortable Situation

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“Passive Mode Will Prevent Damage and Physical Contact Between You and Other Players”

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A Daily Struggle

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Think You Know Weird News? Take The Fark Weird News Quiz

Think you know weird news?


Maybe so, but you can't prove it until you take the Fark Weird News Quiz.


We're waiting.

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It’s Free, Apparently

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The Perfect :3

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Look At All The Stuff I Can Make With Balloons

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The Differences in Dungeons Between the Elder Scrolls Games

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Jeff Ross Will Roast You For Charity On The Oddball Comedy Tour

Jeff Ross Will Roast You For Charity On The Oddball Comedy Tour

Jeff Ross Will Roast You For Charity ... 0:44 Help support the USO and the Infinite Hero Foundation by going to EBay (www.ebay.com/unitetheunited) and IndieGoGo (www.indiegogo.com/projects/oddball-comedy-festival-gives-a-f-ck) Submitted by: Oddball Comedy & Curiosity Festival Sponsored Keywords: oddball comedy festival funny or die gives a fuck uso jeff ross Views: 165

Things Didn’t Go As Expected

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An Old Italian Man

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Oh, Medical Students

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Captain Hook Keeps Your Door Locked

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God Bless the Editing Team

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Powerful Message

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Come On Human, We Have Work To Do

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Father Goose’s Nursery Rhymes for Election 2016

Hillary -- pillory Dock -- no longer has a lock
Cause all of her emails are classified for females
And the press is as dumb as a rock

Little Jebbie Bush -- just doesn't have the push
He's all ifs and buts
And in place of his guts he only has warmed over mush
Oh how hard he tries to seem mannish
He'd go along and sing anyone's song
If they'd only translate it in Spanish

Little Donnie Trump built an expensive dump
It took but an hour and he called it a tower
But its known that he thinks through his rump
He would build a wall a thousand feet tall
Cause Mexican lives don't matter at all
And he holds the Trump cards that say "Go!"
Although all of his wives are for show.
He caters to haters and nothing is too low a blow

Little Carly Fiorina refused to eat her Farina
But she was no slackard when she ruined Hewlett Packard
And she's as shameless as Anthony Wiener

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Sorry, No Elephants Allowed

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I Wish I Had This Mailman

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Feels of the Day: ‘X Factor UK’ Contestant Gets Simon Cowell To Tear Up With Moving Performance

Et Tu Brain?

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No One, That’s the Correct Answer

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That’s Kind Of Gay

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Abercrombie And Meow

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Netflix Users

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David Frost, John Cleese, and the Two Ronnies Report on Class

If you are living in America, when I say “David Frost,” you’d probably say, “The 2008 film Frost/Nixon.” And if I were to say “British class system” you’d probably say something about “upper class twits” or “chim-in-ey sweeps” or something like that. And when I say “pizza,” you say “party.” Well, today we’re going to […]

One Day It May Happen

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Irony of the Day: Watch Jared Fogle Make Fun Of ‘To Catch A Predator’ Perps Back In 2008

HAMSTER PRODUCTS

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HAMSTER PRODUCTS Uhm...

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Hot Out, Eh?

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American Voices: County Clerk Who Withheld Marriage Licenses Jailed

Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis has been sent to jail following her continued refusal to issue marriage licenses for gay couples due to her religious beliefs. What do you think?


American Voices: Researchers Tout Benefits Of ‘Happy Meals’ Bill

A new bill proposed in New York City seeks to lower the fat, sodium, and caloric content in fast food meals marketed directly to children, a measure that NYU researchers say could have a positive impact on children’s health and reduce childhood obesity rates. What do you think?


Snow White: A Deleted Scene

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Denise: The Downfall of Kermit and Miss Piggy

Mere weeks after Kermit and Miss Piggy announced their heartbreaking split, rumors have been flying around about a new fling Kermit the Frog may be having. The younger, thinner pig (which is outraging many, many people) works in marketing and is named, Denise. Yes, Denise. (C'mon, Miss Piggy is the OG Pig here, no one can compete with that name.)

We can only imagine how Miss Piggy feels. Now we know she's a strong, independent woman, and the two did announce their split together, but this new public information leads us to wonder if perhaps Kermy met his new rumored beau while he and Miss Piggy were still together. Was Denise the cause for their split? Are they really together? We hear stories like this all the time, with a biz dedicated to breakups, but this one pulled our heart strings in a pretty mega way.

Since we all love Miss Piggy, this of course leads us to instantly hate Denise (sorry girl) and sympathize with the flirtatious, spunky pig we've grown up with and love. We're sure Miss Piggy is fine, but we're not so sure that we all are. This reminds us of some past celebrity breakups and hookups comparable to Miss Piggy and Kermit's situation.

Jennifer Anniston -- Brad Pitt -- Angelina Jolie

We know, we know, this has been talked about more times than your grandma telling you about the cute boy at the grocery store who helps her get the heavy milk that she can't reach into her cart every week and how she gave him your number because how much older are you going to be single and she'd like her first great-grandchild while she's still around.

We'll still never be over it. But props to you Jen, for snagging Justin Theroux! That was worth the wait. You go girl.

Anyway, Miss Piggy is the Jennifer, Kermit is Brad and Denise is Angelina, obviously. We're gonna go out on a limb here and say that it seems Kermit met Denise while on the set of the new Muppets show. There must've been some obvious chemistry as the two have been seen getting cozy. While they're denying rumors now, we have an inkling it'll end up being true. Kermit does have a thing for pigs, after all.

Demi Moore -- Ashton Kutcher -- Mila Kunis

It is true that Demi and Ashton were split months before rumors of Mila and Ashton took flight, we see a slight similarity here in that Ashton went from one relationship to a new one with a much younger woman than before. We kinda love Ashton and Mila though, since they grew up together (who doesn't like That '70s Show?) so it's hard to compare this too much to Miss Piggy, Kermit and Denise's position.

Jessica Ussery -- Jason Aldean -- Brittany Kerr

Country singer Jason Aldean was found to have a mistress, American Idol alum Brittney Kerr, back in 2012 while still married to his wife Jessica with whom he has two kids with. This was a big scandal which Aldean received tons of backlash for. While Kermit and Miss Piggy seem to be much more amicable and Denise doesn't appear to be a mistress as Kerr was, we can't help but wonder, was Denise scheming for Kermit since she met him?

Similarly to Jason and Brittany, Kermit and Denise are in somewhat of the same industry, and Denise undoubtedly knew about Kermit (and perhaps had a crush on him growing up) before meeting him in person.

But we're not gonna start any rumors here.

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They Know What’s Coming

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Correcting Grammar Makes You Super Cool!

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Let Me Help Him!

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The 14 Best Duck Army Remixes We Can’t Stop Watching

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The internet has been invaded by a duck army and their terrible, addicting remixes. May god have mercy on our souls.

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Screw Reapers, Imperial Star Destroyers Are What Los Santos Really Needs!

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Aren’t We All?

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For Labor Day We Asked: “Why Is The Working Class So Lazy?”

For Labor Day We Asked: Why Is The Working Class So Lazy?

For Labor Day We Asked: "Why Is The W... 2:24 This summer Bernie Sanders said that anyone who works 40 hours a week shouldn't live in poverty, but Jeb Bush said that Americans should work more hours to increase their income. Even though most studies say that American workers work more than our counterparts are around the globe, we can only draw one conclusion from the continued income gap between the rich and poor in this country: why is the working class so lazy? Submitted by: FOD News Regular Keywords: working class labor day labor day video labor day parody labor day satire working class satire funny or die satire funny or die news man on the street video person on the street video why are poor people so lazy why is the working class so lazy working class lazy jeb bush work more hours jeb bush working class quote bernie sanders working class bernie sanders 40 hours quote bernie sanders poverty quote Views: 1,562

Falling Asleep While On The Bus

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SEEMS LEGIT

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SEEMS LEGIT

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Wouldn’t These Be for People Who Are Working Too Hard?

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That Is One Sassy Bat

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Real Life Lilo & Stitch

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Best Use of Custom Music in Metal Gear Solid V

An Actual Pie Chart

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How Van Gogh Made His Famous Painting

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@KasaiRex on Baltimore, Tweets That Point at Uncomfortable Truths, and Perfectionism

Kasai Rex is a writer living in his hometown of Baltimore. Analyzing race, gender, and class in America and abroad, his essays and reviews have appeared on Good, Salon, Vice, Abernathy Magazine, Baltimore City Paper, and Blunderbuss. This week I spoke with Rex about three of his favorite tweets, plus righteous indignation, perfectionism, humility, and […]

Internet, Meet The Most Adorable American Ninja Warrior Crushing a Backyard Course

This Crossing Guard Has One Job

Trying to Explain the Plot of Metal Gear Solid

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She Should Run For Office

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HE FOLLOWED ME HOME. CAN I KEEP HIM?

HE FOLLOWED ME HOME. CAN I KEEP HIM?

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Dad Life

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Life, Uh… Finds A Hay

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He’s Ready For Take-Off

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“Yeah, Yeah, Wild Hunt Blah Blah Blah JUST GIMME DEM DAMN CARDS!!!”

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These Awesome Nerds Had a Final Fantasy Themed Wedding

This Guy’s Terrible Zoolander Joke Gets Interrupted by an Incredible Alien-Filled, Homophobic, Political Rant

The McWhopper Could be the Start of Something Amazing

In the spirt of worldwide collaboration, I am imploring McDonald's to reconsider the "McWhopper" overture.

By way of full page ads in The New York Times and Chicago Tribune, Burger King recently floated the idea of merging the ingredients in the chains' most renowned burgers for a single day, in a parking lot halfway between an Atlanta Burger King and McDonald's. The Sept. 21 event would coincide with the International Day of Peace. Get it? Stop fighting for a day and promote world civility by working together as one happy, harmonious burger chain. (Insert smiley face emoji here).

McDonald's CEO, Steve Easterbrook, who oversees a company that ruined a perfectly tasty egg by slapping it between two maple syrup-drenched English muffins and dubbing it The McGriddle (insert puking man emoji here), swiftly rejected the proposal via Facebook. He hinted the two chains might someday work together in a "meaningful global effort," but one questions whether that will come to fruition considering the snarky final line in Easterbrook's response: "P.S. A simple phone call will do next time." (Insert dagger emoji here).

Naturally, Easterbrook received plenty of negative feedback, via social media posts, for his decision. And why not? Americans have grown so weary of partisan bickering -- from the halls of Congress to the increasingly biting war of words between cable and satellite providers -- that we yearn for a day of peaceful accord, even if it means consuming a flame broiled Burger King patty smothered in McDonald's special sauce. So, Easterbrook should reconsider. Better yet, he should ask all competing businesses, political parties, even entire countries to do the same on that one day. I'm already imagining how I could spend Sept. 21:

I roll out of bed and turn my TV to the Good Morning Today show where Robin Roberts and Matt Lauer catch me up on the latest headlines. Al Roker and Ginger Zee lock arms in front of a large weather map, using their remaining hands to point to thunderstorms in the Pacific Northwest and triple digit temperatures in Texas.

I jump in my Ford Camry and head to the local Dunkin-Bucks, where I'll spend a few hours polishing my screenplay using the free Wi-Fi (password GrandeDonut1). If I start to nod off, I'll revive by ordering a Mocha Frappuccino and two vanilla Long Johns with sprinkles.

Then it's off to Tar-Mart for some shopping. Armed with one of those sturdy red Target shopping carts, pushed my way by a cheerful Wal-Mart greeter, I'll purchase other food items that, like the McWhopper, have merged ingredients and titles: Jippy Peanut Butter, a case of Poca-Cola and Uncle Minute's rice. There are home improvement projects on my weekend to-do list so, on the way home, I pull into the local Menard's Depot for supplies.

Back home, I crack open an ice cold Coors-Weiser, turn on the TV and watch a live report showing the newly formed Republicrat Party unanimously passing every bill with minimal debate. President Obama and John Boehner celebrate by cooking hot dogs together at an open invitation barbecue on the White House lawn. Nicki Minaj and Miley Cyrus sing a duet while five Yankees and four Red Sox players form a softball team and take on another team consisting of Tom Brady and the Seattle Seahawks starting defense. Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter reports that all is quiet in the Afghani-raq region. Rush Limbaugh and Rachel Maddow embrace.

Before bed, I download the Trump/Clinton plan to better America and save it to my iKindle. I fight sleep knowing that tomorrow I'll wake up to the same divisive world I've grown accustomed to. To console myself, I leap out of bed, drive downtown and purchase a McWhopper just before the stroke of midnight. I take a selfie of me eating the concoction and email it to Easterbrook, begging him to add it to the menu permanently, hence continuing this newfound spirit of peace, love and understanding. I lie awake the rest of the night hoping he'll respond.

A simple phone call will do.

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Too Much Nose

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Markiplier and MissesMae School Jimmy Kimmel on Let’s Playing

Never Let Go

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ONE DOES NOT SIMPLY

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ONE DOES NOT SIMPLY paint mordor

Tunnel This!

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The Difference Between Seniors and Freshmen

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A Koality List of Koalas Eating

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Koalas are interesting animals. They are cute, but can be vicious, lazy but resilient, in a lot of ways they are similar to human beings. Below are a variety of GIFs of koalas eating. Please share any of your favorites in the comment section.

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Sure. Whatever. I’m Fine.

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It’s Never Too Early To Show Your Kids How Cruel the Real World Can Be

North Dakota Legalizes Weaponized Police Drones

New TMFS sketch comedy on how it is now legal in the state of North Dakota to arm police drones with non-lethal weapons, like tasers, tear gas, rubber bullets.

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News in Brief: ‘Fourth Quarter, Time Winding Down, Super Bowl,’ Report Nation’s 11-Year-Olds

WASHINGTON—In a unified message coming from thousands of backyards, living rooms, parks, and playgrounds, 11-year-olds across the country announced Friday that it’s the fourth quarter with time winding down in the Super Bowl. “Down by three, 10 seconds to go—can he do it?” said the nation’s 11-year-olds, all of whom grimaced with concentration while holding a football forward with both hands. “There’s the snap. He’s back to pass, he dodges a tackle, dodges another one, throws the ball, and—touchdown! The crowd goes wild! Super Bowl champions!” At press time, after cupping their hands around their mouths and simulating the sounds of fans cheering, the 11-year-olds had reportedly grabbed their footballs from the ground and were heard muttering, “Down by three, 10 seconds to go…” as they wound up to go again.



There Are Three Types Of People At The Bar…

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This Woman is Upset Over a Wrong Kebab Order, But She Might Have Just Given Donald Trump a New Slogan

Good for You, White People

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A job all 4 years in college? Gasp!

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I’m With Stupid: Robots Could Destroy All Life in the Pacific

If you've heard of the film (or the actual object) "Rabbit-Proof Fence," you may have some idea of Australia's unfortunate history with invasive and non-native species. Suffice it to say that back in the day, a guy released 24 rabbits so he could hunt them, and they bred like rabbits, and eventually Australia had so many rabbits the government had to run a fence all the way across the country to try to contain their numbers.

It apparently didn't work, because Australia now has more than 200 million rabbits and has taken to spreading a virus that is deadly to rabbits to try to kill them off. Apparently, the virus doesn't work very well, either.

The rabbit story is pretty sad, but there's actually a better illustration of Australia's questionable dealings with invasive species. Back in the 1930s, sugar cane farmers decided they needed a way to control cane beetles, which are native to Australia but damaging to sugar cane crops. Their ill-conceived solution was to release a bunch of non-native cane toads, a large South American species that eats beetles but is poisonous to humans and other mammals.

Care to guess how many of the toxic toads live in Australia these days? If you guessed more than 200 million, you're right. There also are more than 7.2 million foxes, 1.1 million wild dromedary camels, 13 million to 23 million feral pigs and an untold number of millions of feral cats. All are considered pests and pose a high or extreme threat to Australia's ecology. (All of those numbers are from Wikipedia, so take them with a grain of salt.)

No amount of control measures, which have included hunting, trapping, poisoning and more fences, in addition to spreading viruses, seem to have had much effect on the populations of rabbits, toads, foxes, camels, pigs and cats. That's why I don't hold out much hope for Australia's latest attempt to deal with an invader.

If you've heard of Australia, you might know that one of the things it's most famous for is the Great Barrier Reef, the world's largest coral reef system, which sits off the shore of northeastern Australia. Evidently, the reef is under attack by the crown-of-thorns starfish (COTS, in the lingo of Australian researchers), an invasive species that destroys the coral.

Unlike rabbits and toads, COTS are native to Australian waters, but their numbers have skyrocketed in the past few decades, and they now pose a serious threat to the reef, which is a valuable tourist attraction. It's clear that something needs to be done to try to control the COTS population.

Here's Australia's solution, which is the most awesome thing ever: the Cotsbot, a self-guided, submersible robot that seeks out, identifies and lethally injects COTS. It's basically an uncontrolled underwater drone, and since we all know there's never any collateral damage involved with drone strikes, there's no way this could possibly go wrong.

The Cotsbot, which is undergoing testing in Brisbane right now, has a "state-of-the-art computer vision and machine learning system" and has been "trained to recognize COTS from among a vast range of corals using thousands of still images of the reef and videos taken by COTS-eradicating divers."

So, basically, they showed this killing machine some pictures of COTS, and now they're telling it, "Go and kill this thing," and they're trusting that the Cotsbot will only kill that thing and not other things like it. Sounds reasonable enough.

Thankfully, the COTS doesn't look much like your typical starfish. It's covered in venomous spines (hence the "crown of thorns" name) and looks more like a sea urchin or sea anemone. This is probably comforting to the other starfish but potentially troubling to all the innocent urchins and anemones that might be targeted by near-sighted Cotsbots.

Naturally, I hope Australia's experiment in COTS eradication works out and they're able to save the reef. I'd like to go there someday and would hate to see it covered with COTS. But I'm a little worried that the Cotsbot's "machine learning system" will learn that it likes eradicating things and might cause the Cotsbot to go on a mad killing spree that wipes out all life in the Pacific Ocean.

Sure, that may sound a little far-fetched, but if Australia's track record with introducing things to eliminate other things is any indication, in 80 years' time, there could be 200 million Cotsbots swimming around lethally injecting things. It won't seem like such a good idea then, will it?

Todd Hartley is convinced that robots will figure out a way to breed. Be afraid. Be very afraid. To read more or leave a comment, please visit zerobudget.net.

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Awesome Skeleton Rings

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11 Ways To Celebrate Beyoncé’s Birthday

11 Ways To Celebrate Beyoncé's Birthday

11 Ways To Celebrate Beyoncé's Birthday Beyoncé turns 34 years old today and she deserves to be celebrated. Please us the following as a guide. Submitted by: Funny Or Die Regular Keywords: beyday beyonce beyonce's birthday beyonce bday beyonce hot beyonce pictures beyonce birthday party beyonce celebration jay z beyonce how old Views: 4,219

You May Finally be Able to Play Arkham Knight on PC!

video game news batman arkham knight pc patch released

An interim patch for Batman: Arkham Knight on PC has finally been released, allowing PC players to get their hands on the game without crippling framerates. User feedback suggests all is going well with the new patch, which fixes the following:

Reduced frame rate hitches
Optimizations for system memory and VRAM usage
Improved performance on all GPUs (requires the latest drivers)
More Comprehensive In-Game Settings
Fixed low resolution texture bugs
Fixed hitches when running on mechanical hard drives (HDD)

More optimization is planned for the future, which will add more support and optimize the game for Windows 10. You can read the full patch notes here.

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Standup and Fake Cocaine with Barry Rothbart

Comedy Central’s The Half Hour series continues this Saturday night and I talked to the man holding down the 12:30 a.m. spot, Barry Rothbart. The Half Hour was filmed at The Royale in Boston, a fitting venue, considering that Rothbart got his (kind of weird) start in Massachusetts. Rothbart was one of Variety’s “10 Comics […]

These Creatures Are Huge

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She’ll Like It A Whole Latte

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Can I Help You?

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LIES

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Now I Have Even More Questions That I Want Larry To Answer

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Gotta Be Their Swag

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“What Was That Noise?”

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What’s Yours?

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The Clock Is Currently Running

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Tiny Baby Fennec Fox

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Top 10 Reasons Trump Is the Perfect American Evangelical

2015-09-04-1441371587-1680946-123987461_c4b4b3bb99_b.jpg
This article first appeared at Patheos.

David Letterman retired this past spring, and one hopes the nightly Top Ten List has been retired along with him like a well-worn NBA jersey. However, that won't stop me, a lifelong Letterman fan, from doing my own weekly Top Ten List - with a faith and culture twist. Paul, drumroll please...

Number 10...

Strongly believes a woman (Megyn Kelly) should not be permitted to teach a man (Trump) and must be quiet (shut up)



Number 9...

"Evangelicals love me"



Number 8...

Loves the Bible, both Testaments, very special to him. Favorite verse is definitely that one where Jesus or Moses or one of those guys declares bankruptcy protection, marries a supermodel, and deports some immigrants



Number 7...

"The Holy Ghost, yeah sure, met him at a gala at the Tower, '97 I think. I like him, class act. Next question."



Number 6...

Like most American evangelicals, attends church to feel better about his excessive wealth, egregious spending, and general hostility towards the poor and all minorities except "foreigners that look like Melania"



Number 5...

Always asks his hairstylist to give him "the 80's televangelist"



Number 4...

Strongly believes in preaching the gospel to all nations, if by "gospel" you mean "go back to your own country so we can make America white again, I mean great again"



Number 3...

Just booked a golf foursome with the Trinity at Trump National



Number 2...

New campaign slogan: God, guns, and systematic corporate greed



And the Number 1 reason Donald Trump is the perfect American evangelical...

Rapture-ready hairpiece


--

(This week's Top Ten was partly inspired by Jonathan Merritt's great piece over at The Atlantic. Read it!)

[Photo: Steve Jurvetson, CC via Flickr]

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No Truer Words Have Been Said Before

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This Will Bee Dangerous

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Your Mom Baked Me Some Cookies

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Bait Master

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HANGIN’ OUT

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Everyone Will Be Coming This Year

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7 in Size, 10 in My Book

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Watch a Star-Studded Sneak Peek of ‘Billy on the Street’ Season 4

It’s been a long wait, but next month Billy Eichner’s finally back with a new season of Billy on the Street, and today truTV released the first sneak peek featuring some ridiculous games and special guest stars Chris Pratt, Anna Kendrick, Jason Sudeikis, Sarah Jessica Parker, Bill Hader, Julianne Moore, and Tina Fey. Also, there’s […]

News in Brief: Depression Symptom Checklist Speaking To Area Man As No Poem Ever Could

SYRACUSE, NY—Saying the bulleted list of diagnostic criteria had touched something at the very core of his being, local 34-year-old Adam Zenner reported Friday that an online depression symptoms checklist was speaking to him as no poem ever could. “When I read those words for the first time, I was completely mesmerized—it’s almost like the part about persistent sad and anxious feelings was written just for me,” said Zenner, adding that no piece of writing had ever resonated with him as deeply as the checklist’s stirring opening lines about changes in appetite and the tendency to fixate on past failures. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read it. There’s one section in particular, about having difficulty concentrating and making decisions, that I keep coming back to again and again because I just connect with it on some deep existential level. It ...


A Bathroom Like This

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This Is My Kind Of Office

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Mike Schur and Matt Hubbard Have an Interracial Comedy in the Works at NBC

A new comedy is in the works at NBC by executive producers from 30 Rock and Parks and Recreation. According to Deadline, the network has given a production commitment to an untitled single-cam comedy from Matt Hubbard and Mike Schur, which centers on a married interracial couple named Andrew and Josie “whose lives take a […]

Comparing Bernie Sanders To Hillary Clinton And Also My Ex Donna

Though it does not contain nearly the amount of potential candidates as its Republican counterpart, the race for the 2016 Democratic nomination is divisive. Early on, it seemed that Hillary Clinton would run away with the election. However, Bernie Sanders has emerged as a viable candidate. Both of them have legitimate shots at becoming the 45th president of the United States, unlike my ex Donna, who probably won't ever be president of anything, let alone the free world. Here's a comparison of the three.

Top Donors
Hillary Clinton has come under fire from left wing voters recently when it was revealed that her top donors were major corporations, including Citigroup Inc, Goldman Sachs, and Time Warner. Conversely, Bernie Sanders's top funders are from much smaller, working-class groups like Machinists/Aerospace Workers Union, the Laborers Union, and Carpenters & Joiners Union. My ex Donna's biggest donors seem to be whatever unlucky sap she's dating. Donna expects every meal and drink she gets to just get bought for her by her boyfriends, and doesn't even say thank you. On top of all of that, she insists on getting appetizers, even though we're getting free bread anyways. She neither finishes her main course, nor requests a to-go box.

Domestic Surveillance
When presented with the Patriot Act in 2001, Bernie Sanders was 1 of 66 members of the House of Representatives to vote against it. He has since been one of the loudest voices in Washington against the government spying on electronic devices. Clinton voted in favor of the Patriot Act, as well as its reauthorization 6 years later. My ex Donna didn't vote on the Patriot Act at all, but she would probably be super for it, considering how she always steals my phone and reads my texts to see if I'm cheating. Then, she'll accuse me of cheating because I happen to have friends that are girls. Meanwhile, she has Tinder on her phone, but she swears it's just to "boost her confidence."


War and Peace
Sanders is about as anti-war anyone in Washington, and has gone out of his way to limit a president's ability to declare war without Senate approval. Clinton's stance on war has been somewhat muddled. She voted in favor of the Iraq war in 2002, but has since stated that she "flat out got it wrong." I'm not totally sure what Donna feels on war, but she certainly feels the need to hold grudges a lot. Like, this one time I just suggested we get a slice of pizza, and she went on this twenty-minute rant about how I "know" she's "gluten intolerant." To this day she uses that as an example for me not listening. Imagine that dealing with the Middle East. It'd be a train wreck.


LGBTQ Marriage
All three of them claim to be in favor of marriage equality, but I'm like 80% sure I heard Donna say some off handed things about these roller bladers we walked by once.

The Big Takeaway
The Democratic Debates will be of the upmost importance for both candidates in the fall. It'll be a tough pick for moderate liberals. On the bright side, Donna is not running for president.

(AUTHOR'S NOTE: Donna if you're reading this, I miss us).

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Jason Sudeikis’s Son Learned How to Walk Through Slam Dunks

Jason Sudeikis was a guest on last night’s Tonight Show, where he proudly bragged to Jimmy Fallon about how he helped his son learn to walk with the help of a toddler-sized basketball hoop he put in his bedroom. Sudeikis still thinks his son has a lot of practice ahead of him: “Look, I love […]

Well, It Actually Is A Beetle

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Friends for Profit

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Poor Spider-Man

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Love Knows No Bounds

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If Only…

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When Dad Creates Netflix Profiles

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I’d Double Tap That

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Cyclist Gets A Ticket For Not Riding In The Cycle Lane. This Is His Response

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Clever Bookcase Design, “Read Your Bookcase”

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Terry Is Tough

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Evilmilk Picture Overflow 95

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IT’S SWEDISH

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IT'S SWEDISH and that's what you get for illegal downloading, you cheapskate!

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Who’s the Prettiest Sage in Hyrule?

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Is That A Yes or A No?

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She Definitely Deserved It More Than Anyone

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Defying Gravity Like A Boss

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Driving While 90

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(330): she’s p upset…

(330): she's p upset bro
(1-330): Where is he. I have a sword.

I Knew I’ve Seen This Guy Before

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SECURITY LEVEL

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SECURITY LEVEL def con 1

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“Did That Just Go Into the Neighbors…”

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Well sh*t...

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The Controls of My Heart

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Which Moon Did We Land On Though?

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Swim Upstream

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Can These College Professors Guess the Meaning of These Millennial Slang Words?

(801): Come camping we have xanax…

(801): Come camping we have xanax and steaks.

Awesome Pencil Sharpener

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(850): With gravity the way it is…

(850): With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something.

(508): Having sex with my…

(508): Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom.

The SpaceBar

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(416): It turned from Netflix and…

(416): It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.

(412): Have you ever been so high…

(412): Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.

Oonga Chingo Pango PEW PEW PEW

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Cuddling Changes With the Seasons

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Walking on Sunshine

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(303): There aren’t enough…

(303): There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.

(443): Crust to egg proportion…

(443): Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.

The Greatest Dad Prank Of All Time

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(314): You don’t know being…

(314): You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed.

(903): Honestly, I want an…

(903): Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.

That One Special Person

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(775): Just went to court for a…

(775): Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!

(928): Will you rub my calves…

(928): Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?

Well, I’m Out

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Please Do What You Can to Help

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Flyin’ High

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Now That’s Intense

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Dirty Talk

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I Would Go To The Gym Every Day

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Once Again, Curiosity Killed the Cat

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No One Is Going To Read It

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Girls With Tattoos Picdump 7

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This Baby Beluga Whale Loves Photobombing the Connecticut Governor During a Press Conference

Plane-ly Inappropriate

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Who Says Bats Can’t Be Cute?

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Grandma Doesn’t Mess Around

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Daily Cheney #1215: Glass Houses

Daily Cheney #1215: Glass Houses

0:22 Enjoy your daily inspiration from former Vice President Dick Cheney Submitted by: Daily Inspiration with Dick Cheney Regular Keywords: dick cheney dick cheney bio daily inspiration daily cheney cheney daily show Views: 232

New Herb and Jamaal for 09/04/2015

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New Agnes for 09/04/2015

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