‘The League,’ Season 6, Episode 5 Recap: The Hot Tub

I know I've said it before but I'm just going to dive into this week's episode saying that Jenny is literally my spirit animal. Girl's got serious game. She bought Kevin a hot tub for their sexaversary -- which, kudos to the writers, is still being celebrated after five and a half seasons now. They can officially work on getting Kevin's testosterone situation handled amongst bubbles. Woo-hoo!

Taco gets his check from Mark Cuban - in American dollars, not Cuban dollars. He's still gung-ho about buying a house so he concedes to Jenny and hires her as his realtor. But, you know, he doesn't want a house with kids.

Kevin and Jenny head out for drinks with the gang and run into Pete and his new ladyfriend Rosette along the way. Rosette, played by Brenda Song (AKA LONDON TIPTON FROM THE SUITE LIFE OF ZACH AND CODY... sorry for the caps, it was necessary), leaves almost immediately and everyone heads into the bar. Finally, after two weeks, everyone's all together again! Ruxin's back from Korea, Andre's getting verbally assaulted, and Taco's still Taco. All is right with the world.

Ruxin's having sexual issues with Sophia and can't seem to hold off on the big O. He and Sophia head over to Kevin and Jenny's to partake in the first hot tub sesh of the episode, which leads to a whole lot of cleavage exposure. Kevin keeps ogling Sophia's goodies and weirdly ends up holding her hand. It's abundantly clear that Jenny is the girl-next-door to Sophia's sexpot. Kevin does an abysmal job at trying to prove that he's more attracted to Jenny after she calls him out on his attraction to Sophia and already the hot tub is doing more bad than good.



Pete, Ruxin, Andre, and Kevin get drinks and Pete gets inexplicably blamed for all the handholding that's been happening. Russell shows up to offer Kevin advice on how to better his bed skills with Jenny. He suggests "love pants" -- more on these later. Jenny and Taco embark on house-hunting together and they start doing some recon in the rest of the gangs respective houses. In typical Taco fashion, he has nothing good to say about any of his friends' dwellings.

Andre is being an advice slut and asking his friends, random dudes, and really anyone who will listen for their opinions on his league and his life. After running into Russell at the bar and hearing about the "love pants," Russell takes Andre (and Kevin) shopping for pants of their own. Andre takes the opportunity to ask Russell for date advice, which ends with Russell suggesting a hot tub date. Andre is intrigued.

Kevin buys a pair of love pants in anticipation for a night at a hotel with Jenny to celebrate their sexaversary. His junk is on full display in them and he looks irritatingly like a 70s movie actor. Of course, while going to get Jenny flowers in preparation for the big night, he runs into Sophia, who can't ever seem to resist being overly touchy-feely. She insists on helping Kevin and the ordeal turns into a whole lot of penis-grazing... which ends in a public ejaculation that leaves Sophia FOREVER UNCLEAN.



Kevin runs back into the pants store to rectify his situation and is met in the changing room by Rafi. Rafi causes mayhem as always, causing Kevin to throw his stained "love pants" out the window. They magically land on Rosette's head, as she happens to walk by hand-in-hand with Pete. Pete refuses to hold her hand again after she touches the pants and I really can't say I blame him. Kevin, ya nasty.

Rafi starts physically fighting with Kevin in the dressing room because he threw away the pants and the amazingly absurd clothing store manager named November has the two arrested. Jenny is left alone on a bed of rose petals (looking BANGING, by the way) and a bottle of wine as Kevin and Rafi get taken away in the back of a police car.

Reverting back to Andre, he has taken Russell's advice and surprises his date with Kevin and Jenny's hot tub. Everything goes wrong when Taco ends up blocking Kevin and Jenny's toilet with wipes Ruxin brought back from Korea, causing it to back up into the hot tub. The date is thwarted by a whole lot of crap (literally...) and I suddenly never want to go into a hot tub again. Le sigh.


THINGS TO NOTE:

Kev-hog.
Andre's splatter-painted button down.
"There are two kinds of people in the world. People who have a hot tub that is in the ground and other people who are worried that a tornado is going to take their above ground hot tub away from the trailer park that they live in."
"Hand holding is the worst. That's not where the hand is supposed to be."
"You're a pig in a blanket."
"Any unlocked house is an open house."
November, the "love pants" store manager.
"A FORBIDDEN hot tub?! That's the best kind."

"The League" airs on Wednesdays at 10 p.m. ET on FXX.

22 Times Mixing Tech And Alcohol Was A Really Bad Choice

Drinking this weekend? Do yourself a favor and avoid technology at all costs. Because no matter how hard you try to abstain from texting while drunk...




...somehow your drunk self finds a way to send something totally embarrassing.

I got black out drunk last night figured it had to be a good idea to text my crush


Sometimes even to yourself.




Like, hours later.




The point is, you probably have zero restraint when inebriated.




You might even end up getting engaged by accident.




Or you might just flat-out make no sense whatsoever.




If your phone runs out of battery, that's probably for the best.




Let's just hope it happens before you send that drunk email... to your teacher.




Or your students.




It's really just not helpful for your career in general.




Getting around is way easier with a smartphone, but it does still require some navigational skills.




Things get weirder when you're in front of an actual computer, though... especially if you have Photoshop.




And suddenly, the only limit to online shopping is your drunk imagination.

drunk onoine


Look familiar?




Somebody actually bought this online while drunk.




On the flip side, a text to your friends just might save you.

text shopping


But it's Craigslist that you really want to avoid.




And sticking fake mustaches on your TV can only be the result of drunk inspiration.

Mustache Game


Sometimes it's even the technology itself that seems drunk.

This streetlamp had one job.


Bet you didn't know spell-check could slur its words too.




It's OK, you tipsy machine. We've all been there.

Go home robot, you're drunk.

(406): I broke my foot jumping out…

(406): I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.

(353): Just got a snapchat from…

(353): Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.

(503): I just want to have sex…

(503): I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.

(505): Having weed delivered to…

(505): Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus.

It’s Like I Don’t Even Exist To You

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It Was All Fun & Games Until…

It Was All Fun & Games Until...

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The Highest Compliment

The Highest Compliment

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The Many Voices of Rocket Raccoon

I Think My History Teacher Is a Time Lord

I Think My History Teacher Is a Time Lord

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Eminem Has Really Gone Through Some Changes Throughout the Years

Eminem Has Really Gone Through Some Changes Throughout the Years

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(219): Woke up on the floor with…

(219): Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success.

(708): Taylor Swift needs more…

(708): Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.

Be Careful When You Use These

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(704): What if for Halloween I…

(704): What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?

Jon Stewart Takes On The Secret Service After White House Security Breach

Prior to resigning on Wednesday, Secret Service director Julia Pierson was called to testify on Capitol Hill about a series of high-profile security breaches.

As Jon Stewart pointed out on "The Daily Show" on Wednesday night, "it did not go well."

"Here's how dysfunctional the Secret Service is at this point: Congress had to help them come up with solutions," Stewart said.

The ideas range from locking the White House doors to spiked plants at the fence line to shooting and killing intruders. But one idea they didn't look at?

"A series of whimsical traps," Stewart said.

Yes, the kinds of traps used in "Home Alone."

As Senior White House Correspondent Jordan Klepper discovers, such traps can be highly effective.

Check it out in the clip above.

(709): I miss the days where our…

(709): I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.

Yoda Trying To Speak Correctly

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(+44): Simple revenge plan: break…

(+44): Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair.

(614): I remember grabbing your…

(614): I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.

Powerful Words From G.D. Anderson

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Those Korean Kids Are Rather Clever

Those Korean Kids Are Rather Clever

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I Need My Beauty Rest!

I Need My Beauty Rest!

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Never Listen to the Voices in Your Head

Never Listen to the Voices in Your Head

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(618): I was so high I watched a 5…

(618): I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.

Autistic Man Builds A Cat Maze For His Cats

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(618): Being the hot sister…

(618): Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement.

(305): Then he kissed my hand…

(305): Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different.".

To Do List For Men

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(816): Just FYI….you totally…

(816): Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.

(774): I got hella high today and…

(774): I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates.

Trains In Different Countries

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Pikachu’s Real Size Really Looks Like He Did in the ’90s

Pikachu's Real Size Really Looks Like He Did in the '90s

One of the most famous of all Pokémon characters is Pikachu. He is a cute little yellow guy that followed Ash around in the cartoon that so many people grew up watching (and still watch today). If you are a Pokémon fan, you know that over the years Pikachu has looked a bit different. Namely, the first gen of the character was fatter than the current character. A company in Japan is making a Pikachu stuffed animal that is a 1-to-1 scale made directly from the official dimensions. That means the stuffed animal is exactly the same size and weight that the creature would be if Pokémon were real. The stuffed animal is about 16 inches-high and weighs approximately 13.2 pounds. It also comes with its own tote bag so you can cart your giant Pikachu around. I can only assume it will sell in droves in Japan, where it will launch in November. It will cost 18,360 yen (~$168 USD) from Beams Online Shop in Japan.

Submitted by: Galletoconk (via Technabob)

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( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°)

( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°)

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Star Wars Denial

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They’re Not Going To Help You

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Family Goes For A Ride

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We Aren’t Too Different From Rats

We Aren't Too Different From Rats

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At Least You Got a Nice Nap

At Least You Got a Nice Nap

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An Ending With A Twist

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New Favorite Line

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Adam Sandler To Make 4 New Movies For Netflix

Netflix has taken another huge step into originally content, signing comic/actor Adam Sandler to a four-movie deal that could see the first release as early as next year.

"“People love Adam'’s films on Netflix and often watch them again and again," Netflix chief content officer Ted Sarandos said in a statement released online. "His appeal spans across viewers of all ages -- everybody has a favorite movie, everyone has a favorite line -- not just in the U.S. but all over the world."

Sandler joked on Twitter and Instagram that he was trying to sign up for Netflix, and signed the four-picture deal instead:



"“When these fine people came to me with an offer to make four movies for them, I immediately said 'yes' for one reason and one reason only…," Sandler said in a statement released by the company. "Netflix rhymes with Wet Chicks. Let the streaming begin!!!!”"

Variety reports that Sandler's Happy Madison productions will develop the films with Netflix, and that the first could start streaming in 2015.

Earlier this week, Netflix announced its first original film, "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon: The Green Legend." That movie is set for release on both Netflix and in select IMAX theaters on Aug. 28, 2015.

Cutest Creature On Earth

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I’ve Been Doing It Wrong The Whole Time

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The Hamburger From Heaven

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Every Time I Go To A Party

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New Dogs of C-Kennel for 10/02/2014

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New The Other Coast for 10/02/2014

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New Herb and Jamaal for 10/02/2014

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New Wizard of Id for 10/02/2014

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New Momma for 10/02/2014

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New Agnes for 10/02/2014

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New B.C. for 10/02/2014

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New The Meaning of Lila for 10/02/2014

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New Andy Capp for 10/02/2014

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New Heathcliff for 10/02/2014

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He’s Like A Completely Different Person

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It’s All About The Attitude

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It’s Easy To Be Kind

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They Can Actually Be Pretty Scary

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Stand-Up Through a Filmmaker’s Lens

In filming stand-up comedians, Spike Lee enhances an in-person art form.

Happy Snowman

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Just Another Beautiful Redhead

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I Could Watch This Forever

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This Is Happening Way Too Often

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It’s That Easy

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You’re Not That Special After All

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Flawed Human Logic

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Business Cat Gets A Copy Machine

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No Matter What You Do In This Life

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It Belongs To Me

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Knight Rider with Dale Earnhardt, Jr.

Knight Rider with Dale Earnhardt, Jr.

2:09 Coming this Fall to NBC, Knight Rider has a whole new attitude. Submitted by: chris_singel Regular Keywords: knight rider dale earnhardt jr. angela trimbur kitt 80s racecar car driver attitude sassy nbc fast uber fries fast food whiny partner friend best scared tea 88 Views: 194

This Incredible Machine Makes Drinking Water From Thin Air

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Just A Bird And His Tennis Ball

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When You Turn 21

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How Can I Forget?

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It’s A Better Word

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It Hurts So Bad

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Legs Are Really Weird

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That’s An Honest Answer

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Today’s Funniest Tweets

by WitStream

Jena Friedman Jena Friedman

Rick Perry is about to win a daytime Emmy for "last person you want to see giving a press conference on Ebola"

John Fugelsang John Fugelsang

Ebola hits Texas, where Rick Perry continues to refuse Medicaid expansion. You guys still interested in secession?

Dan Cronin Dan Cronin

"As Texas faces an Ebola crisis, it needs the best scientific minds we got. Please welcome Rick Perry, who doesn't believe in evolution."

Jenny Johnson Jenny Johnson

"FIRST!!!!" - Governor Rick Perry

Julian McCullough Julian McCullough

I hope the cure for Ebola turns out to be welcoming impoverished Mexican children into your public schools.

Patton Oswalt Patton Oswalt

Everyone calm down about Ebola. It's very hard to catch. You can ONLY get it if someone else on the same continent as YOU has it.

Rex Huppke Rex Huppke

BREAKING: Politicians who don't care whether you have health care express grave concern about Ebola, pass out from overexposure to irony

Dan Telfer Dan Telfer

A 2nd person in Dallas has Ebola, but no big deal. It's just someone the government is keeping secret in a state where they hate science.

Kevin Seccia Kevin Seccia

Haha you spent two years choking down kale only for the Ebola to get you the same way it'll get everyone else.

Warren Holstein Warren Holstein

BREAKING: Walmart blames Ebola on Tracy Morgan.

Rory Albanese Rory Albanese

Ebola in the US! Don't panic America, I'm sure Jenny McCarthy will tell us how to cure it.

Michelle Wolf Michelle Wolf

I think we were pouring ice over our heads for the wrong disease.

Morgan Murphy Morgan Murphy

It's easier to get Ebola in Texas than an abortion

Andy Levy Andy Levy

just called my doctor and he insists i don't have ebola so time for a new doctor i guess

Frank  Conniff Frank Conniff

Ebola in Texas should scare us. The last virus that spread from there was called George W. Bush and it killed thousands.

Bryan Donaldson Bryan Donaldson

Netflix announced they are producing a sequel to Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. It’s going to be called Frozen Video, Spinning Icon.

Matt Goldich Matt Goldich

This baseball game has officially lasted more than 4 hours. Time to see a doctor.

Jim Hamilton Jim Hamilton

Oh dear god!!! I thought all those men texting me just really liked eggplant!

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Faithful Representation Of Regular Show

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These Surfing Pooches Prove They’re Capable Of So Much More Than Just The Doggie Paddle

These precious pooches may look cute, but don't underestimate them: They happen to be experts at getting big air and making serious waves.

Last Sunday, armed with a surfboard, some courageous canines took to the ocean in Huntington Beach, California, to participate in the sixth annual Surf City Surf Dog competition. Yes, that's right, these pups surfed, and proved that they can seriously shred. Not to mention, they looked pretty darn adorable doing it.

According to the Orange County Register, 2,500 people turned out to watch the pawticipants and the event raised an estimated $6,000 for animal charities.

The pups were separated into heats according to weight, and judged based on length of the ride, size of the wave and confidence on the wave. It might've been a competition, but all these dogs are winners in our eyes.

Check these talented pups out below. They might even inspire you to go conquer the big blue, yourself.

This pup looks like he's really feelin' the ocean's rhythm.
sixth annual surf city surf dog competition

Abbie Girl certainly doesn't seem like a stranger to the waves. Look at that form!
surf dog competition

These pups, who are competing in the tandem heat, prove surfing is more fun with a buddy.
surf dog competition

Joey looks ferociously fierce on his shark surfboard.
surf dog competition

This owner and his pup make a doggone adorable team!
surf dog competition

This canine prepares to enter the large dog heat with a calming piggyback ride.
surf dog competition

This pup, who's competing in the small dog division, looks pretty camera-ready doing it.
surf dog competition

Tillman's really rockin' the wave during his run in the large division heat.
surf dog competition

Ryan Rustan and his dog, Sugar, wipe out during their run, but still manage to look stylin'.
surf dog competition

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Another Hidden Talent

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How Does That Exposure Feel?

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Professor X Fails

Is This Gender Equality?

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It’s Dangerous To Go Holmes Alone

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Meanwhile During Occupy Hong Kong

Meanwhile During Occupy Hong Kong

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I’m Not Dead Yet!

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Denis Leary Is Developing a Hockey Comedy for IFC

by Megh Wright

denis-leary-17-11-10-kcDenis Leary's production company Apostle has a new comedy in development at IFC. According to Variety, the scripted comedy titled Uncle Chubby's will follow "the exploits of a group of friends in their late 20s as they play on an ice hockey team, determined to win the adult league title despite little experience playing the sport competitively." The script comes from Apostle's Jim Serpico and Tom Sellitti, who also serve as producers on IFC's other show Maron. No cast has been announced yet for the project, but Leary will serve as a co-executive producer alongside Serpico and Sellitti. Leary already has his next TV role lined up in his own FX show Sex&Drugs&Rock&Roll.

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It Took Us Twenty Years To Come To This Realization?

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7 Signs That You Are Getting Old

I turned 41 this week. It's not old in the grand scheme of things, but I can start to feel old age settling in. It's creeping up on me more and more every year and I don't know if there is much that I can do to stop it.  Here are seven things that I have noticed about getting older.

1. You get hurt for no reason. I was cleaning my closet and strained my knee hanging up a shirt.

2. You watch 60 Minutes. I never used to watch the show. My dad watched it and Murder She Wrote. Thankfully, that's not on anymore, or my DVR would be full of  Angela Lansbury as well.

3. You enjoy crosswords. I don't do them all the time, but I think about doing them, which I think is worse.

4. You eat things like brussel sprouts... AND ENJOY THEM. I love them roasted with a little bit of oil and salt. I never would have given them a second thought if I was younger.

5. You have a battle between your ear hair and your back hair to see which can grow faster. Yeah... it's not the most glamorous thing.

6. You have thoughts of joining a bowling league. I'm on a baseball team and while it would be cool to join something a little faster-paced like a basketball league, I just don't think it's up my alley.

7. You watch HGTV. I love watching sports, but I find myself switching over to shows like House Hunters International more and more. Choosing between three villas in the Italian Alps is way more riveting than a Tuesday baseball game in the middle of August.

There are probably more things... but they escape my mind. Oh, I guess there's that thing as well.


This article originally appeared on Dads Roundtable

These Awkward Ballerinas Take Dancing To Your Own Beat To A Whole New Level

These ballerinas each put their own spin on what should be classical choreography, but that's just why we love them.

And it's obvious from the first moments of the performance -- when a glasses-wearing dancer makes a late entrance on stage, shoulders slumped and frustration evident -- that this ballet has a comedic twist.



When the rest of the dancers turn, at least one is bound to twist. When they leap, they leap straight into each other. No matter what they do, the dancers can't stay in sync. And while their awkwardness on stage is clearly intentional, it's also all kinds of cool.

Video of the deliberately hilarious performance, ascribed to the Vienna State Opera, first surfaced in 2011 but is currently trending across the Internet.

Hey, if something this awkward can still look this awesome, maybe there's hope for us non-dancers.



H/T Buzzfeed

Showing Up at the White House Unannounced

2014-10-01-ChanningTatuminWhiteHouseDown2013MovieImage1.jpgImage credit: White House Down, 2013 Columbia Pictures

No, Channing Tatum has never broken into The White House. At least not to my knowledge. Well, okay, he may have, I really don't know. The investigation is still ongoing, but that picture does hint toward something fishy going on. So I'll say that he could have, but probably didn't.

I get nervous whenever I jump one of those green chain-linked fences, especially as an adult. Because as a grown man you should be able to hop a fence, and do other manly things, like, beating Contra without ↑↑↓↓←→←→BA.

But the idea of jumping The White House fence, the fence of all fences, would make me so nervous and full of anxiety that I'd probably end up getting my junk caught on the top of the fence, dangle, then hang upside down after my pants ripped in half. And I don't wear underwear so you can imagine giving the ol' elephant trunk salute to the Oval Office wouldn't be good, image-wise.

Fences in front of The White House have only been a fixture since 1819, as part of a restoration after the War of 1812 (we all remember that one... brutal), but even still, up until World War 2, some of the common grounds on and around the property were easily accessible to the general public (or certainly easier than today). In the seventy or so years since the first documented White House jumper, there have been thirty-three people who thought that hopping The White House fence was a good idea. That's a lot. It sounds like it's a lot harder to get into Ello than the most secure place on Earth. (By the way... Ello's domain translates to "the crazy." Just so you know.)

But it's never a good idea to hop The White House fence. Not even when you're a frat bro walking home from GW party with your other frat bros egging you on from behind.

"Bro, you won't do it. I know you won't."

"Say I won't!"

"You won't!"

(Why can't it ever be a frat bro? There are way too many of them.)

Among the people who somehow found their way into The White House, uninvited, was the socialite failure duo of Michaele and Tareq Salahi -- you know the folks who crashed a White House state dinner back in 2010, a cute little toddler who squeezed through the gate and was promptly and safely returned to his parents, and George W. Bush -- who also found his way into The White House on December 12, 2000.

Just Follow The Instructions

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So Much Better Than Tanks

So Much Better Than Tanks

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Could You be a Little More “Plane” Just for Clarity?

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Into the Tall Grass

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Adventure Time Laser Pen

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All It Takes Is A Paper Cut

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Music Video of the Day: Pharrell Williams Goes Anime in His New Video for “It Girl”

Weird Al Ranks His Top Five Sketch and Standup Comedy Albums

by Megh Wright

Here's a web extra from Late Night featuring guest Weird Al Yankovic, who is given the daunting task of summing up his five favorite sketch and standup comedy albums of all time. Surely no one will disagree with his picks.

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The Most Adorable Friends

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18 Awesome Halloween Costumes For Couples Who Don’t Suck

Forget about Valentine's Day -- Halloween is the best time of year to be coupled up.

Why? Because you and your boo can rock the hell out of a two-person costume. Below, we've rounded up 18 clever couples costumes that we encourage you to steal.




H/T Reddit



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Tower Of Awesomeness

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Just Another Case of the Crap Women Deal With

Just Another Case of the Crap Women Deal With

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Clooney is All About That Pumpkin Spice

Clooney is All About That Pumpkin Spice

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That Dogs Is Serious About Cuddles

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John Oliver Perfectly Explains Why Americans Will Never Like Soccer

If you've ever wondered why the U.K. is so into soccer, you're not alone.

When John Oliver stopped by "Late Show" on Tuesday, David Letterman had the "Last Week Tonight" host comment on the somewhat confusing setup of British soccer.

Oliver went on to explain the break down, how most teams have little chance of getting into the good divisions and that money pretty much ensures the same teams win every year, which culminates in Letterman bringing up the thing that's on everyone's mind: "So what's the point?"

"Late Show with David Letterman" airs weeknights at 11:35 p.m. ET on CBS.

Hashtag No Filter

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Here’s A Ridiculous Alternative To Couple’s Therapy That Just Might Work

Tinder might be able to save your marriage, one terrible dating profile at a time.

At least that's the logic behind this bar sign, which jokingly argues that staying with your S.O. may be a better option that diving into the hellish black hole known as dating.

Sandwich board wisdom



The pic was posted to Reddit Tuesday and struck a chord with singletons (or disgruntled Tinder users) everywhere, racking up nearly half a million views in under 24 hours.

Dating: it's not for everyone.



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In Memoriam Video Provides The Perfect Goodbye For Old, Dirty Couch

When a couch is with you for such a long time, you develop a close, personal relationship with that piece of furniture. So many movies watched. So many dinners together. Through good times and bad, that couch was always there for you to rest your weary head.

YouTuber Katie Dylewski didn't want her sister Alicia to miss the moment the garbage men came to take her beloved couch away, so she captured it on video and then did what any loving sibling would do: She used iMovie to give it the proper goodbye.

We dedicate this to all the lost couches out there.

I Present To You The Great Catsby

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What’re You Tryin’ to Say?

What're You Tryin' to Say?

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12 Sex and Relationship Tips I’ve Learned

1. Smelliness is not necessarily a sign of poor potential in a mate. In fact, it can be an indication of a male's overall robustness and vitality.

2. One should choose a mate who is approximately one's own size so as to minimize difficulty giving birth if and when that times comes. This really seems like a no-brainer, but it was not something I had previously considered, which may be why two-thirds of my offspring were born via C-section.

3. If the object of sex is producing offspring, then it is perfectly fine for this activity to occur in a driveway. In this case, it is also fine to advertise the event as "driveway breeding."

4. Extended conjugal visits that necessitate room and board -- i.e., marriage -- are more costly than driveway breeding -- i.e., dating. It just makes sense.

5. Though at first it might seem a bit unconventional, sometimes it's just practical to driveway date the same guy as your friends or even your sisters. However, mutual extended conjugal visits -- i.e., taking sister wives -- is just creepy.

6. You should always be on alert for signs that a prospective lover has the potential to cause you harm -- pawing at the ground, raised back hair, massive, spiraling horns, etc. Actually, I found a great photo on Craigslist of a huge, mean-as-hell-looking guy goat, and I wanted to use it here for illustration purposes, but I just couldn't bring myself to contact the farmer who posted it and say, "Hey, do you mind if I use that picture of your Kiko buck for an article I'm writing about sex tips I've learned from my goats?" So you will have to use your imagination here. Think Billy Goat Gruff times ten.

7. One should only date guys who have been wormed, who are current on their vaccinations, and who test negative for communicable diseases. Unless they are super hot, and then you can skip the first two criteria.

8. Sometimes girls prefer girls, and guys prefer guys. This is true throughout the animal kingdom. This is no big deal, so no one needs to picket or boycott or drag anyone to church against his/her will.

9. Occasionally, when extenuating circumstances such as testicular alteration prevent the male from being able to consummate the relationship, would-be lovers settle for a sort of love dance -- traipsing around each other, giving gentle lovebutts with the heads, etc. This is exceedingly sweet and lovely.

10. If you think you might be expecting, you should write down the date when conception allegedly occurred because this will make it infinitely less likely that you will end up giving birth alone in a dense patch of weeds with no one to bring you raisin treats or to assist you with cutting your newborn's umbilical cord.

11. Sometimes, even under the most ideal circumstances -- right size, right time, right driveway -- your lover will reject you. It happens, and it is not a reflection of the lover or the lovee but rather something intangible that neither goats nor people really understand.

12. When it's over, it's over. No need to linger in a relationship that was only meant to be a fling. No need to explain that it's you and not him. No need to pledge your everlasting friendship or hint that one day you might reconsider. As soon as you know you're really done, just shimmy between the fence post and the gate and skedaddle on out of there. You will be glad you did.

Help Jared Logan Get Hillary Clinton to Speak to His D&D Club

by Megh Wright

Hillary Rodham ClintonStandup Jared Logan just launched a Kickstarter project for a great cause. Logan, who most recently appeared in his own Comedy Central Half Hour special as well as Splitsider's own A Night at Whiplash, unveiled his crowdfunding project today called "Hillary Clinton: The Ultimate Adventure," in which he hopes to raise $200,000 to get Hillary Clinton to speak to his Dungeons & Dragons club. Here's an excerpt from the Kickstarter description:

By achieving this goal, we will prove that a democracy is for the people and by the people. We will show that even the most disenfranchised and oppressed group in this country (tabletop roleplayers) can still access our nation's leaders and speak to them face to face.

This Kickstarter project has been created to fund a special event. Our intention is to hire Hillary Clinton, through her representation, to appear, in person, in Eric's Dad's basement in Greenpoint, Brooklyn. We would like to engage her to speak for at least one hour in front of a very select audience of gentlemen who belong to our local Dungeons & Dragons club. Some of the project's incentives have been designed to allow our backers to become part of the event. It is our fervent hope that Mrs. Clinton will agree to roll some dice and play in the game with us, but those details will have to be negotiated.

Please help us bring our fantasy world to life. Help us bring Hillary Clinton to our Dungeons & Dragons game.

The Kickstarter includes some great goodies for backers, including a "sincere thank you email" ($5,000 or more), a copy of Logan's fantasy novel Clintara: Warrior Priestess ($7,000 or more), and an invitation to witness Hillary's visit to the D&D club live ($10,000 or more). This is truly a worthy cause, so head over to Logan's Kickstarter page to pledge your part today.

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This Sketch Is A News Anchor Meltdown Done Right

It's got to be tough being a news anchor these days. Almost the entirety of the job is filmed and broadcast to a wide audience. So, if you mess up, there's proof. And it will probably get distributed to an even wider audience via the Internet.

But, really, if you're going to mess up or lose it on air, why not go all out? Do it with some gusto like the news anchor in this UCB Comedy sketch by Los Angeles Digital. And we can all agree that an ill-fitting wig is key.

Difference Between Putin And God

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Hide the Pain Harold: Old Guy, Stock Photo Model, Tortured Soul

Hide the Pain Harold: Old Guy, Stock Photo Model, Tortured Soul

Most of the time, stock photo models are just grinning idiots with no emotion. Where's the pathos? The agony? The heartache? The evil? Harold tries to be like those grinning idiots, but that haunting gaze betrays his façade of happiness. Look into the Abyss long enough, and it begins to look back at you.

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Obama Currently Being Chased In Background Of Secret Service Hearing

WASHINGTON—In the wake of a series of lapses in presidential security, Secret Service director Julia Pierson appeared before the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee Tuesday, seemingly unaware that President Obama himself was, at that mom...

He Has Created A Nightmare

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This is Going to be a Terrible Couples Costume

This is Going to be a Terrible Couples Costume

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What Are You Doing?!

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Oddly Satisfying of the Day: Watch This Flippy Lid and Forget About All Your Troubles

U.S. Assures Hong Kong That Their Protest Just One Of Many Issues White House Staying Silent On

WASHINGTON—Addressing concerns that the Obama administration was selectively ignoring their ongoing demonstrations against the Chinese government, White House officials held a press conference Wednesday to reassure Hong Kong residents that their pro...

Man Calls Police Because Flies Are In His Kitchen On ‘Outrageous 911′

When Norm Clausen found some really big flies in his Pensacola, Florida, home, he did what probably no one else would do. He called 911

According to the TLC series, "Outrageous 911," the man called the police because flies invaded his home.

In his defense: They were really big flies.

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Girls Can Relate To This

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‘Texts From Your Ex’ Perfectly Maps Out The Awkward Phases Of Your Breakup

When you get that really weird/annoying/horrible text from your ex, you don't have to just complain about it to your friends. Thanks to a newly-formed Instagram account, "Texts From Your Ex," you can submit that crazy text and broadcast it to the account's nearly 75,000 followers (as of Oct. 1).

We've gone through and found some of the best relatable submissions so far that highlight the awkward trajectory of a breakup:

Phase 1: When you're still confused so you're open to listening to what your ex has to say about the relationship.




Phase 2: When you're starting to get over it, and then your ex starts using totally random things in an effort to get you back.



Phase 3: When you're starting to think you and your ex will actually become friends, and then they go and do something really creepy.



Phase 4: Your ex has gone too far and now you think you'll have to start ignoring them.



Phase 5: But then your ex just can't handle the silent treatment.



Phase 6: When you accidentally call your ex and all the work you've done to get them to move on just goes out the window.



Phase 7: When your ex can't handle the truth about your new life.



Phase 8: When your ex tries to apologize for last night, but you're totally done.



Phase 9: When it's been months since you've spoken and all of a sudden they try to win you back with meatloaf.



Phase 10: When you have to completely cut them off for good.

American Voices: Tetris Movie In The Works

Film studio Threshold Entertainment announced this week that it has teamed up with the Tetris Company to produce a movie based on the classic tile-matching video game.

Fancy Restaurants Be Like

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How Else Would You Explain It?

How Else Would You Explain It?

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Clifford Books Were Really Ahead of Their Time

Clifford Books Were Really Ahead of Their Time

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Welp, This Agnostic Gospel Choir Isn’t Really Sure About Much

Gospel choirs are known for their impassioned praise and harmonizing, but this one from the folks at UCB Comedy is throwing up its hands for a very different reason.

In a video posted to YouTube on Sept. 25, UCB's music video team The Backyard imagined what an agnostic gospel choir would look and sound like. Apparently it would have a lot of questions, and not just about the big stuff.

"How does God work? Is he a jerk? Is he for safe sex? Can he prescribe me Valtrex?" the choir sings as they sway from side to side.

We have to hand it to The Backyard: All the questions are real head-scratchers. Philosophers and theologists will surely be writing essays about this video for years.

FX Orders a Pilot from the ‘It’s Always Sunny’ Guys Starring Bill Burr

by Megh Wright

bill burrBill Burr might be FX's next comedy star. Deadline reports that the network has ordered a comedy pilot starring Burr called Pariah. Co-created by It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia writing/producing team John and Dave Chernin, Pariah follows "a volatile TV personality Joe Abbott (Burr) who, after an on-air meltdown, is exiled from show business and forced to navigate society as a man with no apparent skills." Always Sunny's Rob McElhenney is also on board to direct the pilot and serve as co-executive producer alongside Burr, Charlie Day, and Glenn Howerton. Other comedy projects currently in the works at FX and FXX include The Comedians, Sex&Drugs&Rock&Roll, Tracy Morgan's show, Simon Rich's Man Seeking Woman, and the Zach Galifianakis-starring Baskets.

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Swiss Santa Claus’s Terrifying Alter-Ego

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This Column Could (Possibly) Break Your Heart

I am tired of having my heart broken online.

That is not the statement of a jilted Match.com individual, for I have never explored Internet dating and therefore don't know what it's like to be dumped mid-chat or have a potential relationship snuffed out because the object of my cyber-affection unexpectedly logged off. (I don't know what happened. Our FaceTime session was going SO well!)

No, I'm referring to the never-ending barrage of videos, photos and blog posts that permeate my inbox or social media accounts daily, inviting me to click despite the generic warning: "What happens next is heartbreaking."

If you don't have friends who feel the need to inject your day with sadness, simply type that warning into Google. Within seconds you'll be blubbering over the heartbreaking capture of orca whales, plucked from their native captivity and bound for marine theme parks. Or watching the heartbreaking reaction of a toddler seeing her daddy, sans beard, for the first time. Not depressed enough? Read the heartbreaking letter some dude wrote to his ex-girlfriend Brooke, begging for another chance. Hey Brooke, if you're reading this, move on. You're too good for that guy, even if he did compose a whiny letter apologizing for all the girls he fooled around with while dating you.

Animals, more than humans, seem to be the subject of most web-generated heartbreak. "Stranger Takes Heartbreaking Photo at Animal Shelter" greeted me one morning when all I planned to do was wish an old friend a happy birthday via Facebook. Before long, I was immersed in the story of a San Bernardino man weeping outside his city-impounded dog's cage, unable to pay the fee to release him.


Then there was the series of photos under the headline, "This kitten was abandoned by its mother. What happened next broke my heart." I'm sure it did, but why share your misery with everyone? I don't need my heart broken by strangers; it's been done numerous times by people I thought I knew. Let's see, there was Pam in middle school, April in high school, Nancy in college and former Chicago Bears quarterback Rex Grossman in the 2007 Super Bowl. Please do not send me any video of that game for, to this day, I cannot watch Colts cornerback Kelvin Hayden's pick-six without feeling that familiar lump in my throat. Why, Rex, why?

Luckily for many of these stories, the heartbreak is followed by something heartwarming, providing you can pull it together long enough to keep scrolling through the web page or watch the video in its entirety. Pet lovers banded together and donated money for the San Bernardino dog's release. The little girl stopped crying and realized dad is still dad even without the ZZ Top look. The abandoned kitten was befriended by a golden retriever and now the two eat, sleep and play together.

Awwwwww.

There is even a website, hrtwarming.com, loaded with feel good stories guaranteed to make you forget about Brooke's ex and the orca whales who are now turning tricks for Sea World patrons. Note to whoever created the website: The domain "heartwarming.com" is available. As a journalist, your penchant for misspelling truly breaks my heart.

I spent a few minutes on the site, watching how puppies reacted to a lullaby and marveling at a fish who likes to be petted. This, despite the fact that the man petting the fish keeps removing it from the water. If the fish slipped from his grasp and drew its final breath on the dock, guess what that would be?

My first on line stop in the morning is usually CNN.com, a site filled with plenty of heartbreak as I scroll through stories about the Mideast, school bullying and Jennifer Aniston's love life. Hrtwarming.com may have to be the second. Or I could just join the ever growing ranks of those wishing to spread melancholy by posting a heartbreaking story of my own -- possibly with photos -- and hoping it goes viral. In fact, I've already started composing:

Dear Nancy: Remember me?

(c) 2014 GREG SCHWEM. DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC

White House Counter Intelligence Coup

2014-10-01-Whitehouse1984overviewnw.jpg The Times reported that the ushers had muted the alarm or "crash box" on the front door of the White House because it was too loud "Armed Intruder at White House Got to East Room," NYT, 9/29/14) It was further reported that Omar Jose Gonzalez had actually made it all the way to the East Room with a knife in his pocket--something that would have been prevented if the Secret Service had put one of those accordion children's gates across the entranceway to that wing of the sacred redoubt.

Of course, you could dig trenches between the rooms of the White House and create manned battle stations in front of the staircase leading to the presidential family's living quarters which is one of the places Gonzalez passed in his travels or say on the threshold of the Oval Office. None of the journalistic recountings of the security breach has pointed out that Gonzalez's possession of a knife, might simply have been indicative of the fact that he might simply have been looking for a job in the White House kitchen. But what is most significant is that no one in US intelligence has realized that Mr. Gonzalez's talents could be employed elsewhere.

If he could break into the White House, why not parachute him down to the Iraq Syria border or to the Syrian city of Raqqa, which is now the de facto ISIS capital. Let him jump over the fence of Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi's palace and see if he can penetrate to the equivalent of the East Room, an area usually designated for receptions. This would be a real coup, even though there are some (there are always critics--"those who can do do and those who can't do criticize" goes the old saw) who would find this simply counter intelligent.

{This was originally posted to The Screaming Pope, Francis Levy's blog of rants and reactions to contemporary politics, art and culture}



photo: overhead view of White House Grounds (US Department of Defense)

Very Creative Idea

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Cant’ Tell if This Divorce Lawyer’s Ad Is Depressing or Genius

How Dare They Misrepresent Our Breakfast Choices!

How Dare They Misrepresent Our Breakfast Choices!

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No Idea as to What Is Going On

No Idea as to What Is Going On

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The Result of Combining “No Russian” With Tiny Tim is Magical

Couple Uses Stop-Motion Animation to Make Adorable Pregnancy Timelapse Video

Zip Code Anxiety

"I have never Googled an ex; I would only be disappointed when I didn't find an obituary." -- Anonymous friend

Is there anything worse than learning an ex has moved uncomfortably close to your neighborhood or office? Sure, cancer, starvation, paper cuts: all bad. But knowing the inopportunity to cross paths with someone from your past, especially when you're unprepared: the worst.

Years back I dated someone in California, and it ended as soon as it began. At the unseasoned age of 24, I had the esteemed ability to warp a three-week affair into a full-fledged romance. I spent more time mourning the relationship's demise than actually dating this guy. I concede I was a fool. I've since married someone else who not only claims to love me but makes a much better (read: funnier) match than the aforementioned. I had forgotten about California Boy -- blocked that whimpering pathetic time out of my mind -- and moved on with only the rare passing thought of, "I wonder what that guy is up to."

Thankfully, social networking was in its infancy, and we never "friended" or "followed" one another, thus the out-of-sight-out-of-mind healing process worked wonders! That and excessive drinking. How in the world people now recover from their disappointing relationships with the bastard popping up on their newsfeed is beyond me. At the ripe old age of 32, I'm mystified by the lifestyle of those even five years younger than me.

So, there I am enjoying marital bliss or whatever floral words people use for consensual detainment, when I learn from a credible source (the internet) that my former infatuation, once safely tucked away on the left coast, is now head of some fancy pants company right here in Manhattan. In my own goddamn backyard. I felt secure with the eight or nine flyover states ensuring I'd never face an awkward encounter in precarious situations; as I mutter to myself squeezing avocados in Whole Foods, for example. Suddenly the safety had come off, and it was open season on "zip code anxiety."



Allow me to explain "zip code anxiety," a little known faction of Murphy's Law, wherein the subject aims to avoid contact with a previous offender yet subconsciously allures surprise encounters when said subject least expects it. It's the hope of successfully dodging your high school bully when you venture back home for major holidays, but they're seated two tables over at Chili's. It's spotting your boss from afar at the movies on a Saturday night, but bumping into her in the ladies' room. I know what you're thinking, "New York is overrun with an absurd amount of people. What the hell is the worry?" I'll tell you: I run into people on the street constantly. Friends, neighbors, college professors, old co-workers, acquaintances, friends who live in completely different states, you name it. Perfect example: I worked as a temp at an enormous cable network back in '07 where a guy with whom I had relations years prior also worked. The office building has over 40 stories and three separate elevator banks; I assumed the likelihood of a run-in was rare, but lo! In my brief time performing menial filing tasks, we traveled in the same elevator no less than a half dozen times. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to upkeep crowded elevator etiquette amongst strangers while feigning well-adjustment, success and mental stability in front of someone who lived in your pants for over a year? And as a temp!? Impossible!

So, great. Fantastic. I'll continue scanning the pedestrians on the streets with the indecision of how to approach the inevitable. Statistically, this worry will dissolve and over time, and I'll forget my unrest. Yet, zip code anxiety will overthrow me, and California Boy will spot me on the street on the day I've left the house with a pulsing scarlet zit at the end of my nose wearing an ill-fitting shirt while eating a messy cheeseburger with toppings that have just fallen onto my lap.

So you see, this really is worse than a paper cut.

Psychopaths Can Be Creative

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Oh Well, Life Goes On

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Watch This Dastardly Middle School Football Team Execute What They Call the “Ugly Kardashian” Play

Apparently Kid Checks Out Some Dinosaurs

The Most Cringeworthy Autocorrect Fails Of September 2014 (NSFW)

In case you hadn't heard, Apple rolled out some new-fangled software that promised to get rid of our beloved autocorrects.

Our response? Why on @#$% earth would they get rid of the one thing that brings oodles of joy into our lives?! So incredibly rude.

Thankfully, we have faith in you, fellow humans, that you will find some way to continue screwing up your text messages, IMs, and Gchats. Our happiness is in your hands, people. YOU CAN DO IT.


Need inspiration for some wondrous screwups? Check out these people keeping the dream alive in September's best Autocorrect FAILS courtesy of Damn You Autocorrect below.

This Week In Web Videos: B1G Ten Trash Talk

by Luke Kelly-Clyne


There's like one month a year when I don't feel like a total misfit: late July/early August. Hockey fans have forgotten all about the Cup, we're weeks and weeks past the NBA Finals, and Sunday afternoon football is a distant fleck. Sure, baseball's happening but, as long as you don't live across the street from Yankees Stadium or the Green Giant, few people seem to give a fly ball fuck and, if they do, they're comparatively quiet about it. This is my time. It's when I feel good about humanity, about our collective ability to discuss things other than balls being thrown for money. But bliss is fleeting and — come September — all my faith is bulldozed by chatter of fantasy leagues and who's team sucks and "Fuck you, dude, no fucking chance in hell this year!" and so on and so forth. Again, I'm reminded how little I fit in with a society that worships, WORSHIPS the physical achievements of people they'll never meet. Am I a downer? Maybe, but that realization doesn't make me any more attuned to our national obsession with sports. It doesn't make me feel any less out of place. What it does do is make me appreciate comedy from folks who seem to feel similarly perplexed.

I absolutely love Rita Chin's B1G Ten Trash Talk, not just because it appeals to my personal sense of otherness, but because it executes a simple premise in a properly reflective way, a way that makes me realize the intellectually elitist things I choose to care about — like school rankings and graduate programs — are as arbitrary as having a terrible day because a 22-year-old missed a slap shot. In a world of so many meaningless divisions, it sometimes takes pieces like Chin's to remind us that our most fervent opinions are all equally useless.

Luke is a writer for CollegeHumor and a watcher of many web videos. Send him yours @LKellyClyne.

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The Way She Catches It At The End Is Priceless

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Frankenbear Monster

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What Is Schizophrenia?

Your Refusal to Pass

Your Refusal to Pass

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Little Mac’s Moves Aren’t That Extraordinary

Little Mac's Moves Aren't That Extraordinary

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Jim Carrey Handles the Paparazzi Like a Champion

Jim Carrey Handles the Paparazzi Like a Champion

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Will Ferrell’s Derek Jeter Send Off Is The Best Send Off Of All

If you've even just brushed past a newspaper, TV or computer in the last few months, you know that Yankees' shortstop Derek Jeter is officially retiring at the end of this season. And he's been given a ton of celebratory send-offs and going away gifts as he's traveled from park to park this year.

But this. This. THIS may be the greatest send-off that anyone could ever give him. Watch Will Ferrell give Derek Jeter one last Boston taunt, which is ultimately out of love. And Ferrell doesn't care if people are watching, he will kiss Jeter full on the mouth.

Slideshow: Top 10 Must-Watch TV Shows This Fall

Top 10 Must-Watch TV Shows This Fall

When People Have No Idea What A Bidet Is

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David Wain, Rob Huebel, Thomas Lennon, and More Show Up in the ‘Newsreaders’ Season 2 Trailer

by Megh Wright

The second season of Newsreaders premieres October 23rd at midnight, and Adult Swim released a trailer today featuring new host Alan Tudyk as "Reagan Biscayne" and appearances by Rob Huebel, Thomas Lennon, Jenna Fischer, Rob Riggle, Steve Little, David Hasselhoff, Billy Ray Cyrus, and tons more.

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If You Don’t Come To School, School Will Come To You

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What’s Your Favorite Pokémon of Each Type?

What's Your Favorite Pokémon of Each Type?

The best answer:

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These Bridesmaids Photos Are A Train Wreck, And We Just Can’t Look Away

They say that a bride is supposed to be the center of attention at her wedding -- but, really, how could you ever compete with these bridesmaids?

BuzzFeed has compiled an amazing array of ridiculously strange bridesmaid snapshots, courtesy of Awkward Family Photos. The clip includes (but is obviously not limited to) pictures of Arctic-themed outfits, porcupine headdresses and a "shotgun wedding," in the most literal sense.

The photos get hilariously intense when the bouquet gets thrown into the mix. You've been warned.

Keep in touch! Check out HuffPost Weddings on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest.

You Had Me For A Second

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Another Blond Story

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Behold Your Doom

Behold Your Doom

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All Tied Up With Kids?

All Tied Up With Kids?

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Well, Alright Then…

Well, Alright Then...

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It’s Dangerous to Eat Alone! Take This.

It's Dangerous to Eat Alone! Take This.

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I’d Bet This Kid Has an Older Brother or Sister

I'd Bet This Kid Has an Older Brother or Sister

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It’s Like Christmas in America Again!

It's Like Christmas in America Again!

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Skeletons Couple Found Holding Hands After 700 Years

Skeletons Couple Found Holding Hands After 700 Years

Love really is timeless.

Via Discovery: The skeletal remains of two lovebirds were uncovered, after being locked in a romantic embrace for the past 700 years.

Archeologists found the happy couple holding hands in an earthen grave during an excavation of a "lost" chapel in Leicestershire, England, researchers reported Thursday (Sept. 18).

"We have seen similar skeletons before from Leicester where a couple has been buried together in a single grave," Vicki Score, University of Leicester Archaeological Services (ULAS) project manager, said in a statement.

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Mosquitoes Can’t Help It

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John Mulaney on His New Fox Show, ‘SNL,’ and the Scars of Catholic Schooling

by Megh Wright

mulaneyIt's been nearly two years since news first broke that standup and former SNL writer John Mulaney landed his very own television show. Since then, Mulaney has evolved from a proposed NBC series to a highly anticipated Fox sitcom with the backing of executive producer Lorne Michaels and an all-star cast including Nasim Pedrad, Martin Short, and Elliott Gould. Ahead of Mulaney's series premiere this Sunday, I recently got the chance to talk with the man who co-created Stefon about how the pilot evolved from NBC to Fox, why he prefers the multi-cam sitcom format, and some of the misleading advice he took during his Catholic school days.

First of all, congratulations on landing the show at Fox. It must feel like it's been a long road to get there.

Yeah. It's funny — that's why the fact that it's going to be on TV feels so weird and jarring right now. This has been a thing for almost two years that I've gone into an office and worked on, so it's never been a thing on television. And I was used to standup, which has the fastest turnaround in comedy ever — it's immediate — and then Saturday Night Live's probably the second fastest because we would write the stuff Tuesday night and then it'd be on TV Saturday night. I just started to think about this like a day job, not in the day job sense of I was slacking off and dreaming about other things, but I just was like Oh, I have this job, I go into this office, and I started to forget that this will be a TV show in the end.

Now that you have a little hindsight, do you look back on developing the show as a long, grueling process, or did it fly by?

Well it hasn't gone fast, but that's probably more because we moved cities a couple times, then I got engaged to my girlfriend and then I married her, and now she's my wife…

Congratulations!

…thank you. And then we got a dog, and then we were developing the show, and then there was a period of time where there was no show. So it's had many phases, and some personal life stuff happened as well, so it has seemed like a long time.

What exactly happened between NBC passing on the show and Fox picking it up?

A lot of sitting in my apartment wondering what I was gonna do. [laughs] I started to hear it might not be picked up by NBC the week it wasn't picked up, and I knew that I was also planning to propose to my girlfriend. And I was like Wouldn't that be funny if that all happened on the same day? So then I proposed, and then we got a call that the show was passed on. [laughs] But it was an amazing day. I mean, it was kind of perfectly planned, because I still think of it as one of the best days of my life.

NBC Studios/Universal was so wonderful and wanted to stay with the show, and they've been with it the whole time, and Lorne Michaels and the cast and everybody. It was immediately very heartening that they wanted to keep going with it. I didn't know what was gonna happen, but they all knuckled down and did some Los Angeles stuff that I don't know about and they got it a home. I was back in New York City and my wife was working on her book, and I was just unemployed… [laughs] …and I was just sitting around and going to the Comedy Cellar at night. It was a lot of explaining to people that it didn't happen; they'd go "Do you have a TV show?" and I'd be like "…nah, they said no."

How different is the Fox version from the original version NBC passed on?

The NBC version had a little more of a premise to the pilot that was a catalyst to the whole story. When you meet my character it's the day he stops drinking and doing drugs — which I have jokes about in my standup because I stopped drinking in one day many years ago — and it was just meant to be a funny, very careless and thrown away sobriety story as opposed to making it dramatic at all. And it had a lot of really funny stuff in it and we kept a lot of jokes; kind of the setup and a lot of the shape to it remained. A guy named Peter Rice and Kevin Reilly [from Fox] became very interested in the show and I heard that they liked it and had some tweaks to it, and I met with Kevin about it first. The people at Fox were great, because they wanted to just blow the show open and make it a lot looser. I think they said "I just want a show about this standup and these people in his life and just a funny show about that — just let the show be itself." And Peter Rice was great because he said he just wanted what he saw of me as a standup — he said those are the stories for the show. And I was very like Oh thank God — that's what I always wanted to do.

So it was a relief?

Well, it was kind of like hey, why don't you lean into your natural instincts, which is to tell these stories from your life as comedy? You've done it in standup — do it for the show. It wasn't like every episode had to be about the same premise or formula, which, by the way, no one was forcing on me. That was just something I thought TV shows had to be, so it was very nice to hear that I didn't have to do that.

Who are the other writers on Mulaney?

Marika Sawyer has been with this from the beginning — even from the beginning before we had a staff and she was just helping me and being my friend. She and I wrote a lot of Saturday Night Lives; she and I and a guy named Simon Rich wrote a lot of sketches together, we were a little trio of child monsters. Marika worked with it from when I was first writing the script, came out here for the first pilot, and is now a writer and producer on the show. There are many others: Robert Carlock, Jon Pollack, Dan Levy — also a good friend of mine who has been with it since the beginning. I remember talking with [Dan] about my idea of wanting to do a multi-cam in front of an audience, and I had all these character ideas but I just didn't know what I would be. And he was like "You should be a standup" and I was like "Well, I don't know if we can do that, because of you-know-what." And he said "It's fine," and I wanted someone to tell me it was fine. Boy, Dan's gonna read this and think I'm blaming him. [laughs] No, I'm not blaming Dan Levy, I was really excited when he said that. And Lorne Michaels said that as well. Two legends: Dan Levy and Lorne Michaels.

You've described the show's format as "throwback sitcom." What made you choose to go with that format — specifically multi-cam with a live audience and standup sets between scenes?

I left Saturday Night Live and I was on an airplane and I was trying to think about what I wanted to do, and I thought I just wanted to have my own self-titled show of some sort, but I just couldn't picture it; I kept thinking about a single-cam. There was Louie and Girls and Maron, Kroll Show had just come out, and boy, a lot of other great shows were on; I was just seeing what a lot of my other friends were doing and I was like I can't do that as good as that. And I also thought that there's something about me that doesn't lend itself to that kind of storytelling as much as other people. And I was such a fan of all these single-cams, and I thought like What is bugging me about doing a half-hour show? What is missing? And I realized that the audience was missing and that I'd been doing standup for ten years in front of audiences, I'd been doing Saturday Night Live for four and a half years — which is a four-camera show in front of an audience — and I thought Oh right, that's what I like, I like to be a comedian on a stage in front of people. I'm not subtle… [laughs] …so I don't know if a subtler art form would suit me, so I started to think about that and I just immediately was like Oh that'd be funny — imagine doing one of those shows. And I started to really think about it; I was like huh, that could be fun to try and do one of those things that I grew up on but just make it weird.

There definitely seems to be a higher amount of pressure than usual for your show to succeed since you have tons of fans from SNL and standup who are waiting to watch it. The multi-cam aspect of it also seems to be a divisive factor among fans.

Well, there's so many many many millions of people who have no idea who I am or even that Mulaney is a person, so I keep that in mind always. I thought long and hard about what I thought was successful about me as a standup and how that'd be a TV show, and that's how I got here. So I hope that if people like my standup they'll give it a shot. If people hate live audience shows, I can't do much for them.

You wrote Nasim Pedrad's part with her in mind, right?

Yeah, there's a lot of Marika Sawyer in that part, and a lot of Nasim in that part too. So we worked with her a lot thinking about it, and especially when we made the jump to the other network, it was like, well, let's make this as funny as possible — let's have everybody throw their fastball, let's write for aspects of who everybody is.

Was it the same for Elliott Gould's character?

Well, Elliott's character evolved so much once he agreed to do it. But amazingly, I had this sort of Zen, New York, former '70s radical, very proudly gay man who had come out of the closet many years ago when — it's still an incredibly courageous thing to do — but then even more so, but he also had a very meditative and yet fiercely New York personality. That was all in mind based off this woman I lived near on 12th Street who was stoned a lot and would make chicken nuggets and offer me chicken nuggets and tell me stories about the neighborhood. So I had all of that in mind and the idea was Well in a dream world we could get Elliott Gould; I wonder who we could get? Then we actually got him, and I can't say enough about him. I couldn't be a bigger fan of someone. I went to see him at BAM years ago before I was doing this back when they had that Elliott Gould retrospective there, and he's such a kind, gentle, centered, constantly evolving Buddhist kind of guy, and that started to influence the character. And he's also from Brooklyn and grew up in show business, and there's so many aspects that overlapped that it became enhanced as we went on.

Ice-T has a small but amazing part too. How'd that come about?

Dan Levy. We were in Las Vegas at my bachelor party having dinner and he said "You should get Ice-T to say 'Mulaney is filmed in front of a live studio audience.'" I remember all the talking at the table stopped, and I was like "That is exactly what we will do." I wrote an email like ten minutes later — it was the most direct I've ever been during this whole process. I just said that we need to get Ice-T to do this, we need to get this to happen now. He was contacted, and he had already asked me to do his podcast Final Level so we were in touch before then, and he did it over the phone from New York in a studio and I'm very grateful that he did.

Judging off my viewing of the first few episodes, I can tell you were definitely Catholic schooled in real life.

Yes.

Well then, from one former Catholic schooler to another, I have to ask: How did Catholic school scar you as a kid?

Well I went to Catholic school in the '80s and '90s, so it wasn't like Doubt — it wasn't them hitting us with rulers and stuff. Most of my teachers were "laypeople," which is a term none of your readers give a shit about. [laughs] We had a few nuns, but not until high school did we have more priests and nuns as teachers. You know, it was interesting — we did have sex ed from an early point in school even though it was a Catholic school — like seventh grade — and I did faint three different times over the years during the Miracle of Life video, which was very very embarrassing to me. One of my best friends' moms after I had fainted was like "It's okay, maybe you're just afraid of vaginas because you're gay" [laughs] and she was trying to comfort me, and it was very weird and so embarrassing at puberty to be fainting in front of all those people three different times.

So we did have sex ed early, which I think was impressive. It was misguided sex ed — I did think you could get a woman pregnant by looking at her from a very early age. I was terrified of getting someone pregnant. We were told that condoms were porous and they sweat which meant they leak, and that all condoms leak a little so those don't work and you can only use abstinence. That I wish I had not been told.

I remember for our sex ed the priest told us masturbation was a sin, but if we were sleeping and woke up and were masturbating, that was okay and it was not a sin to finish.

See it's funny, because I tell people these stories where priests or nuns are talking to us about sex, and they assume there's some overtone because of the current scandal. But there was nothing predatory ever — it was just a funny older misguided person teaching you about sex. I remember a priest telling me — God, this must have set up my whole life — he said "In order to have a life of any substance, you need to be a little uptight about sex." And I took his advice.

[laughs] Wow. Yeah, that's very Catholic.

Yeah, and it was perfectly phrased too, where it's like "Ball's in your court, but…" [laughs]

ISIS Having Difficulty Finding American Recruits Physically Fit For Jihad

AR-RAQQAH, SYRIA—Frustrating the Islamic extremist group’s efforts to bolster its ranks and expand its influence overseas, representatives for ISIS told reporters Wednesday that they have so far encountered considerable difficulty in finding A...

Bobby Jindal Apparently Wants You To Watch Stephen Colbert Make Fun Of Him

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal attempted to beat Stephen Colbert at his own game after the comedian roasted the Republican governor's scientific views. However, his strategy included tweeting out several links to the segment in question.

On Tuesday, the Comedy Central host mocked Jindal during a "Colbert Report" segment on the Values Voters Summit, which took place in Washington, D.C. last weekend. Colbert showed a clip of The Huffington Post's Howard Fineman questioning Jindal -- who holds a degree in biology from Brown University -- on whether he believes evolution explains the existence of complex life on Earth.

"The reality is I was not an evolutionary biologist," Jindal replied, deflecting further questions on his personal scientific views.

"Jindal is off to an impressive retreat from knowledge, but there's a lot more science he could run away from," Colbert said. "For example, he should insist thunder is just God bowling."

On Wednesday, Jindal took to Twitter to fire a few barbs back at Colbert. The governor included links to the Colbert segment in most of his tweets, likely drawing more attention to the clip.

.@Stephenathome, missed ur show last night, was too busy pulling out pages on evolution in my kids' biology textbooks http://t.co/hSlZUjCWJc

— Gov. Bobby Jindal (@BobbyJindal) October 1, 2014


If evolution is true @stephenathome, then why is your humor so far behind @thedailyshow? http://t.co/hSlZUjCWJc

— Gov. Bobby Jindal (@BobbyJindal) October 1, 2014


You’re no Jon Stewart, but you are funny, Mr. Colbert. http://t.co/hSlZUjCWJc

— Gov. Bobby Jindal (@BobbyJindal) October 1, 2014


.@stephenathome my kids tell me they're learning about Charles Darwin in school…Common Core math is getting weird.

— Gov. Bobby Jindal (@BobbyJindal) October 1, 2014


In 2008, Jindal signed the Louisiana Science Education Act into law. Under the legislation, teachers are allowed to introduce "supplemental textbooks and other instructional materials" to students, which critics say opens the door for teaching creationism as well as skepticism about topics like global warming and cloning.

“I’ve got no problem if a school board, a local school board, says we want to teach our kids about creationism, that some people have these beliefs as well," Jindal said in an interview last year. "Let’s teach them about intelligent design. I think teach them the best science. Let them, give them the tools where they can make up their own mind, not only in science but as they learn and teach about other controversial issues, whether it’s global warming or whether it’s…climate change or these other issues."

Jimmy Kimmel Confirms Every Suspicion You’ve Ever Had About Pot Smokers

If you want to know the Speaker of the House, you're out of luck, but if you're asking who's the star of "Big Momma's House," well, that's a different story.

Jimmy Kimmel says the marijuana industry is getting more involved in the political process, so he was curious to see if everyday pot smokers pay enough attention to make a positive impact. To find out, Kimmel sent a camera crew to a medical marijuana dispensary in Hollywood to give potential voters a "Pot Quiz" with basic political questions, and the results are pretty much exactly what you think they'd be.

"Jimmy Kimmel Live" airs weeknights at 11:35 p.m. ET on ABC.

24 Things That You’re Only Proud Of In College

College is a time to explore yourself and the world around you. It's about figuring out what you and life are all about. But let's be honest, our standards during college were relatively low. So many of the things that happened back then go into our personal "lock boxes" never to be spoken of again.

Until now!

These are things most college students are proud to brag about. And then you grow up, you become an adult, and these same things just don't carry the same amount of pride that they once did.

Like ...

Succeeding without doing any work at all.


You passed your classes without attending and sometimes without buying the required textbook. An interesting strategy.



Showing off your beer pong setup.


But perhaps it led to a bright future in engineering.



Waking up in a random bed after a night of drinking.





Throwing up and rallying back to drink more.





Getting up before noon on the weekends.


11 am? What an early bird!



"Cooking" Kraft mac and cheese all by yourself.


The secret ingredient is poor.



Improvising in the kitchen.


Bam! What's all the racket in there?



Pulling all-nighters.





Asking your parents for money.


Thanks, mom and dad!



Showing off your fake ID.


"What, it's totally me! I got a haircut and lost a lot of ... nose."



Stringing up Christmas lights in your room year round.


The night-light for college kids.



Displaying the street signs you and your friends had stolen.





Bragging about your one night stand.





Dazzling people with your homemade bong.


Bong, James Bong. (Joke h/t to RoarLikeBear.)



Sneaking onto the roof of a building and leaving your mark.





Having food delivered in class or the library.





Smuggling alcohol where alcohol was not allowed.


Pretty sneaky.



Claiming any furniture that was totally free.


Awful? Or pure JEAN-ius?



Binging on some sugary, caffeinated, alcoholic monstrosity.

Original Four Loko anyone?



Beer bonging it up.





Painting your body up for the big game.


Our bodies all looked a lot better back then.



Knowing everyone at the bar.





Showing off your totally tasteless Halloween costume.


(Psst, she's a tampon. Yeah, we know...)



Getting your party getting broken up by the cops.





But now, adult you is just like ...

ESPN Gives On-Air Personalities List Of 6 Pre-Approved Opinions

BRISTOL, CT—Following the network’s three-week suspension of analyst Bill Simmons over comments regarding NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, ESPN reportedly sent all on-air personalities a comprehensive list Wednesday of the six pre-approved opin...

Probably The First Time Someone Has Caught This

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The Art of Bravery

The Art of Bravery

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Exhale

Exhale

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Kittens Learning How To Use Stairs Are Why Moving Pictures Were Invented

So, they've conquered walking, but now these kittens are taking on their next big challenge: stairs.

In this compilation from MrFunnyMals, a gaggle of adventurous little felines try their paws at climbing up and down steps.

Although they don't have size on their side (often, one stair is almost as tall as they are), and depth perception seems to be a fairly new concept for them, they sure look adorable trying.

That's how you learn, kitties!

H/T Tastefully Offensive


Sarah Silverman’s ‘SNL’ Promos With Taran Killam Are So Adorable You’ll Want It To Be Saturday NOW

If her promos with Taran Killam are any indication, Sarah Silverman's first outing as "Saturday Night Live" host is going to be adorably silly.

Silverman had a brief stint as a writer for the long-running sketch show in the '90s, which she said herself didn't go well. But with proven comedic and musical chops as well as a penchant for social and political satire, Silverman should prove a natural "SNL" host. Plus, she can laugh at herself, which these promos make abundantly clear.

Let's just hope her awesome dad makes a cameo as well.

"Saturday Night Live" airs Saturdays at 11:30 p.m. ET on NBC.

There Are Still Nice People In This World

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Weird Al Finally Explains That Time He Ambushed Iggy Azalea

First things first, "Weird Al" Yankovic is a craftsman, but it might surprise you to learn that almost didn't happen.

The comedian's parody of Iggy Azalea's "Fancy" was one of the big hits from his latest album, "Mandatory Fun," but it didn't come without some controversy. Earlier this year, TMZ reported Yankovic "ambushed" Azalea at a concert to get permission to parody the song.

Now, he's finally opening up about it, and it turns out TMZ was kind of spot on.

"Late Night with Seth Meyers" air weeknights at 12:35 a.m. ET on NBC.

Jason Sudeikis, Maya Rudolph, Bill Hader, Danny McBride, and More Join ‘Angry Birds’ Movie Voice Cast

by Megh Wright

jasonsudeikisSony is making a movie based off the hit addictive game Angry Birds, and they've filled the main voice cast with some big comedy names. Variety reports that the studio has cast Jason Sudeikis as the lead character Red, Josh Gad as Chuck, Danny McBride as Bomb, Bill Hader as a pig, Maya Rudolph as Matilda, and Peter Dinklage as the Mighty Eagle. Supporting voice cast will include Kate McKinnon, Keegan-Michael Key, Hannibal Buress, Tony Hale, Ike Barinholtz, Cristela Alonzo, Jillian Bell, musician Romeo Santos, and YouTube stars Ian Andrew Hecox and Anthony Padilla of Smosh.

"I'm extremely proud of this cast,” producer John Cohen said of the casting news. "Not only do we have Jason, Josh, Danny, Bill, Maya and Peter bringing these characters to life, but they're surrounded by an all-star ensemble of emerging comedic talent — these are some of the funniest people out there today, and we're thrilled to have them all on board." The Angry Birds movie is currently slated for a July 1, 2016 release.

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How To Break The Ice

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High Have No Talking What You’re Idea About

High Have No Talking What You're Idea About

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The Life of a Procrastinator

The Life of a Procrastinator

GIF me a little more time.

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Better Than Folgers

Better Than Folgers

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The Perils of Taking Sexy Pics

The Perils of Taking Sexy Pics

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We need Wi-Fi Trees

We need Wi-Fi Trees

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Love Lessons From Scary Movies

Horror movies can freak you out, but they're not as scary as falling in love.

Luckily, monster films and slasher flicks can offer lots of tips about relationships.


Everything Looks Different In X-Ray Vision

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Run Out Onto the Field at an Ohio State Football Game? Then Be Prepared to Feel the Wrath of the Ohio State Strength and Conditioning Coach!

Ohio State assistant coach Anthony Schlegel wasn't having ANY of this rowdy fan's shenanigans.

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The Self-Administered Bikini Wax Is A Huge Rip-Off! (Don’t Try This at Home)

2014-09-29-IMG_2171.JPG
I have a pair of strappy sandals that to put on requires a contortionist's skill. It involves sitting down, bending over, hinging a knee sideways and pulling an extreme foot-flex move, all the while straining my optic nerves to see beyond their peripheral range to buckle the teensiest metal pin through the teensiest hole that inevitably, somehow, seals itself shut between wearings. God help anyone who tries to do this in skinny jeans and/or after a spaghetti dinner. Forget it. Reach for a slip-on.

This delightful routine came to mind recently when I thought it'd be a great idea to give myself a bikini wax. I've always felt that the self-administered pedicure sounds like a revelation until you're down there dealing with your own dirty feet. Well. Compared to the self-wax? The self-pedicure is a freaking CAKEWALK.

Before I get into the hairy details (boo), let me give you a small history of my own hair-removal life. For a long while I patronized a salon here in Los Angeles with a happy, sunny name and I swear, it was a cruel joke that all the aestheticians were giant, mean, brusque, overbearing Russian women. It's not fun holding your legs open in a froggy position while a giant, mean, brusque, overbearing Russian woman threatens you with hot wax, periodically yelling at you to "HOLD!" or to "SPREAD!". You just alternate between states of flinching fear and searing pain until they pronounce "DONE!" or "GET OUT, BITCH!" at which point you stumble out to the lobby in a shell-shocked daze, hand over your credit card with your last nerve, and then get amnesia exactly 6 weeks later when it's time to book your next appointment.

One day the amnesia wore off and realizing the torture I was enduring, I decided to fork out serious cash for laser hair removal. Now there's a real treat. Pointed at your junk is a hot laser gun and with each blast, it feels like a million rubber bands are snapping you in the tiny square area of a Chiclet. They keep moving it, Chiclet by Chiclet, until all 1,346,912 "zones" have been "treated". (And hey! Shouldn't I be wearing protective goggles too?) All this seems like a reasonable trade-off for the promise that the hair will never come back again. But then, after the recommended 8 to 10 punishing treatments, IT DOES. And when you inquire about it, they hem and haw and tell you it's all about the hair's growth cycles. And that every woman's growth cycles are unique, just like her. So even after hundreds of dollars and a gazillion evil rubber band snaps, you're left with an amorphous bikini line with several stragglers that need regular weeding.

Enter the razor. The razor's okay and it gets definite bonus points for its cost and pain-free attributes. But you have to shave daily. And that leads to bumps and razor burn.

That's when I got this genius idea: I can wax myself! I'm nicer than a mean Russian lady. Plus, they sell provisions in every drugstore, right? Shouldn't that mean any idiot could do it?

I suppose any idiot could do it if they also happened to perform in Cirque du Soleil.

So there I was, leg up, bent over in some Kama Sutra nightmare, using this crazy kit that didn't come with any fabric strips. Yeah, that's right: you're supposed to spread on the simmering wax with the enclosed wooden spatula (that has the nuance and precision of a 2x4), and then (while your head is still between your legs), wait for a minuscule moment in time when it has the perfect softness/hardness, and then rip it off in a strip. The wax. By itself. With no aforementioned fabric strips to help yank it. For the first section, I didn't wait long enough and smeared a gloppy mess of wax that stuck where it shouldn't. And burned like Hades. For the next section, I waited too long and a Magic Shell-type situation occurred (my inner thigh being the ice cream in this analogy). I had hardened glops of plasticky wax stuck to me, ripping off skin if I tried to budge it. Luckily, the kit included some soothing blue food coloring that did a pretty decent job at dislodging the plastic wax clumps. And with periodic breaks to drain all of my body's blood supply from my head back into the lower extremities, I managed to finish. Forty-five minutes and a splitting backache later I was sporting a red, burning, swollen yet stylish bikini line.

The moral of this story? For the love of all that's good, don't try this at home. And since the professional options are no better, I say we ladies band together to bring back the giant, overgrown bush. Who's with me?






This post first appeared on Joeycake.

photo by Jolie Jenkins.

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